DD is so unhappy at school. Don't know what to do.

[MayorMumbum]

Some of you may remember my panicked threads from a few months ago about DD and her school situation. Sadly we're in a bad situation again .

I had to remove my DD from primary school for the last six months of year 6. She was getting bullied very badly and had lost all confidence and developed trichotillomania as a result of the stress (pulling her hair out). She is still having issues with severe anxiety/insomnia even now.

We home schooled for a while then moved house to give her a fresh start and managed to get her in to a good high school with a good reputation just in the nick of time. I had really thought things were going to be okay.

It has been a nightmare. She has been bullied by various different children from the first week. She broke down last night completely and said she cannot deal with the stress/noise and the constant fighting. She explained she feels like the year 7 "victim" . And yesterday for no reason a boy ripped her headphones out of her ears and phone on the bus. It really shook her up.

I'm beginning to see some signs that DD may be on the autistic spectrum, namely Aspergers. There's a lot of it in our family and she seems to fit many of the symptoms so I think she's struggling for several reasons.

She hasn't made a single real friend and spends most lunchtimes alone. She is incredibly unhappy and I really think this will be the same issue no matter which school she goes to. She just isn't coping emotionally and I don't know what to do.

She is beautiful, kind and academically advanced but no matter what I do/she does, she never seems to make friends and she is being constantly verbally abused/harassed. I've been on the phone to the head of year seven times since September who basically told me "I can't force children to like her".

It's breaking my heart .

Our DC has anxiety. Eventually our GP did a raft of blood tests to check vitamin levels, infection levels, etc. On their advice, we also did an exclusion diet and coeliac's testing. Diet and vitamin levels definitely impact on our DC's anxiety levels. It's just another area to consider when you go to speak to your GP.

My daughter sounds just like yours. Bullied at the local primary school and coming home covered in bruises, punished by teachers for standing up for herself. They were awful, saying she had depression at 7! Anyway, turns out she has SEN...severe dyspraxia, auditory processing disorder and sensory processing disorder. She hates loud noises and bright lights, or crowds. I sent her to another primary...that lasted a week before she hated the noise in music class to the point it made her vomit. I could see my bright child failing academically. I pulled her out and home school, using myonlineschooling and doing private tutoring myself. She is now positive about education, a happy kid and really accelerating her learning. My message to you is that you have to push hard for diagnosis as lots of families are competing for limited NHS resources. I ended up going private for the dyspraxia assessment, and was shocked at how bad she was performing.

Wrt GP referral, write down the concerns you put in your OP and the family incidence. Eye contact etc could be masking, girls are good at that. Ask for a referral to probably CAMHS or the Child Development provision for assessment.

There is a place in Kidderminster (quite close to you) that does private assessments. Otherwise the waiting lists for assessment are very long.

DD is in the higher sets but she says constant disruption/noise is the norm and she can't focus on learning. She says she often sits there covering her ears because the noise is so stressful for her

it is highly unlikely that the class really is that noisy, which suggests that she has sensory issues too, and may just find the school experience completely overwhelming. Noise cancelling headphones and access to a quiet space at lunchtime would help.

My friend took her autistic son out of school to home school, mainly because the stress of school left him drained and exhausted, and unable to join in any after school activities as he was wrung out.

He LOVES home schooling, and more importantly he now has the head space and energy to join clubs. He does some sort of Home Ed club or out of school activity eveyr day. Boys Brigade, science club, book club, music lessons etc.

His socialising is therefore with smaller groups and for shorter times. he now has good friends.

I think that if you know she will flourish if you take her out, then think of it as a serious option.

Our local college will take kids from 14 to do GCSE courses, and so he will do his GCSEs over 2 -4 years there. It does not require him to do full days, but just to be there for the lessons he needs.
There are also on-line schools through which you can do the whole of secondary if you like.

What are the requirements for a child to do GCSES at college?

I haven't RTFT, but wanted to jump in quickly - my DS was bullied horrifically in secondary school, and I told the LEA he wasn't being kept safe (his SEN wasn't supported either). I managed to get them to put in place a tutor every day at our local library while he was out of school (10 months) until he was given a place in another school.

I would try to find an organisation who support children with SEN - I'll have a google & see what I find, as my advocates closed down.

I wouldn't take her off roll yet, but IMO I wouldn't send her in. I couldn't. It was like the lion's den.

Let me see what I can find & I'll post again.

There will be a way forwards", but not at this school, I don't think.

What are the requirements for a child to do GCSES at college?

very little.
The 14 year olds are interviewed by the college. They want to see that their circumstances would mean that coming on to this course is the best option for them. Lots of HE kids join the age 14 courses, along with some kids who ahve been school refusing, or want to move out of their school due to bullying etc.

They take all abilities and levels.

If you google SEN advocacy, there are several agencies now. We had a free service, but you might struggle to find one now.

They can help with getting assessments done too - that might be first thing to push for.

Major ds is at a grammar school and moans constantly about behaviour and disruption. The behaviour isn't great but it's difficult to know how much is him struggling because of his autism.

jennifer ds was diagnosed in September and his diagnosis letter just says 'autism spectrum disorder'. You are right about Health visitors and other professionals being more aware now. Ds did show signs and was late to talk etc but nobody seemed to suggest autism. It's taken a very long time to get to this stage with ds and things have really deteriorated with him.

I'd suggest you take her to the GP about her major anxiety in any event, but go along with a list of all the things that point to ASD and ask if he could make a referral. However, in most areas the waiting list is pretty horrendous.

If she were diagnosed with Aspergers would a place at a school for children who struggle with mainstream education be a possibility?

Yes, but almost certainly only with an EHC Plan. It sounds as if she may well qualify, although the fact that she is academically able may make it a fight - local authorities and schools tend to forget that SEN also encompasses problems like severe anxiety, social communication and sensory difficulties where they prevent a child accessing school at all. You might find the advice on IPSEA helpful, and also SOS SEN's booklets - www.sossen.org/shop247/index.php?cPath=22

I do quite like the sound of college at 14. I think that would be a much better fit for her.
We have a plan now so we'll see what this school come back with.
We're considering moving to Lichfield in 2 and a half years and the local high schools all seem really good so if we did pull her out that would be the point she would go back I think.

Thank you to everyone who has posted links etc. Its really helpful. I have an appt for Monday with the GP and am going to set up a meeting with the school also.

Could you ask the school if she can be put in the bottom set but with extra extension work? Bottom sets tend to be very small and much quieter in general. She also may find students that are easier to connect to

I feel for you as she sounds so much like my own DD at that age, so I know what you are going through. We also pulled her out of year 6 due to really badly handled incessant bullying. We also suspect Aspergers as does our GP, but she's very high functioning, so it's been missed & getting referrals accepted is a nightmare

I fought tooth & nail to get her into the high school with the very best pastoral care & best rep fir dealing with bullying. Thankfully after some teething problems with old adversaries targeting her again, things did settle down a lot. My DD does have other issues, so we accessed the SENCO who was a big help with the sensory processing disorder & DD had a pass to leave class if things became too overwhelming.

I'd advise pushing to see the SENCO & asking can they help with support fir your DD whilst also seeing your GP about the sensory issues & a referral to CAHMs for an ASD assessment if you can get one.

Please let your DD know that it does get better though. Mines in college now & after many friendship issues, she has found her tribe & by year 10 has a solid friendship group of great kids just like her & the bullies now see her crew as "the coolest kids" & are desperate to look like they are their friends. Much to hers & her friends amusement

Mine wore noise cancelling headphones around school due to noise sensitivity. She also learnt yogic breathing techniques since small which help her stem the panic attacks which escalate the SPD. Make them assess her for extra exam time too, she will be slow processing, which will hamper her chances of achieving her full potential in exams. Again this is the SENCO as first call & don't let them fob you off without testing her because she's bright. It's about kids reaching their full potential, nit reaching school expected targets.

Good luck

Before you see the GP go online and read as much as you can about autism in girls (they present differently to boys). Make a note of everything that relates to your DD. Also look up sensory processing disorder and do the same. Write it all down and hand a list to the GP, and ask for a referral.

In the meantime request a meeting with the SENCO at school to discuss your concerns.

Go over the head of years head. Make an appointment with the deputy head or head teacher and ask them what they intend to put in place to help your dd integrate and make friends. Ask them what they intend to do to ensure your dd is safeguarded whilst at school.

If you don’t get an adequate response from the SENCo or head teacher, ask the school office for a copy of the complaints procedure and follow it.

They don’t have the option to wash their hands of the situation.

PM me if you want to op. I’m also in the midlands and have a DD in year 7 who has ASD.

We managed to get her in to the "best" in the area and thought she would be OK.
Coming late to the thread but in my experience the “best” schools are often less equipped to support children with additional needs on a day to day basis because if the majority of kids are coping well they have much less experience of needing to support the ones who struggle. I purposely didn’t put my kids in the best school in our area because I knew they would need additional support so instead I looked for schools with lots of experience and a variety of ways in which they support their pupils. Simply put, the teaching can be superb but if the child is stressed and anxious they won’t be in a place to learn.

It might be worth looking at other schools in the area and exploring their process for supporting learning - a different school may make all the difference in the world is they understand her particular needs.

Yep jelly ds will be leaving the well respected grammar school he attends after his gcses to go to our local secondary modern. The best schools do not always cater well for those with additional needs.

NAS info on dx www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/children.aspx

Autism presents very differently in girls, please do some research online about the traits in girls and masking if people try to fob you off because she's seemingly socially competent in their misguided opinion.

Do get on the NHS waitlist for an assessment, it's average 18 months to 2 years in most areas because the service is overloaded. You can drop out later if you want to, but for now do get a place.

Private dx, if you find a team that asses privately but also work for the NHS part-time, you can have the private dx and it will be accepted by the Local Authority if you go for an EHCP.

This booklet is one of the best I've seen that describes and explains sensory issues. SPD is now included as part of autism assessments.

www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?v=201507131117

I'd definitely pull her out of school, do get advice on de-registering though, that's a very important part and once it's done it can't be undone, check on the Homeschool board for the right time and way to do it.
Homeschooling isn't just about teaching kids the GCSE curriculum, it's about letting them be themselves in a safe environment. Many parents "de-school" their kids first, get their anxiety levels to manageable, have happy kids, then start with the academic things.

You can attend FE college from age 14. Depending on what your local or the FE college where you move to can offer course wise it might be an option, so home school for now with a view to college.

At college she would be with an older group which might help and in my experience it is less disruptive.

I've just skipped back and seen someone has already suggested it.

There are also 'University Technical Colleges' which have had a short but interesting history, again they take from age 14 and specialise in a particular field.

I have sent you a pm

There is a FB group for homeschooling families. You will find tons of info on there and read about what people are teaching their kids. I think most don’t use expensive online schools.

Try searching

Home Education UK Exams and Alternatives

It also gives you the opportunity to reduce the stress and do gcses over a few years, fro example start with English and Maths and then move onto other subjects.

They also mention that it is a good idea to take the first few months off and let her heal before going back to education.

• going back to education at home.

Her HOY has still not called me. Been waiting all day, so not sure what to do tomorrow. I was hoping to have a meeting set up with someone from the SENCO.