I can’t cope with my daughter being home

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I have a lovely, laid back DH. I hold my hands up and admit that I myself am a bit hot tempered and controlling. We have four lovely mostly grown up kids, three of whom are very chilled and DD1(24).

DD1 is a fantastic person; kind and brave and great fun. She also has slightly divaish tendencies and mood wise she is either really up or really down.

DD1 and I clash. We are either getting on brilliantly or we are clashing. At the moment she is between jobs and has been living at home for the past two months and I honestly feel I’m about to have a breakdown. Tiny things are being blown out of all proportion. Poor DH is at his wits end.

So today I offered to make everyone scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. DD only wanted toast. I got the pan and eggs and everything ready, made and buttered the toast then quickly scrambled the eggs and called everyone for lunch.

DD1 decided her toast was cold. Said she was going to put it back in the toaster. It was dripping with butter so I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was going to put it under the grill. I said chances are you will burn it or start a smeech and the fire alarm will go off. Besides it’s not really cold, mine is fine. She said mine is too cold; I don’t want to eat cold toast. I said make yourself some more then. She said I don’t want to waste food; I want to warm this piece up. I said well I’d rather you didn’t.

Then it all kicked off. Apparently I was very controlling not letting her warm her toast up. DD1 and DH both having a go at me. I apologised several times and they carried on having a go at me. What’s wrong with you, why are you always so angry nowadays?Etc.

I’m bloody angry because I’m living with a moody bloody diva. I spend a lot of my time encouraging her with her job hunting and being nice but nothing is ever good enough; she just picks faults, moans about my cooking and accuses me of things like not using a nice tone (or even having a nice face) when I talk to her. If I talk to her siblings on the phone or give her little brother some attention she kicks off. And bloody DH is like her little lapdog or something.

I think the toast is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I just don’t want to engage with her any more.

Well that was an epic. I feel much better for a vent. Please feel free to regale me with your own tales of how everyone is in the wrong except you.

Honestly, not letting her warm her toast is nuts. Just telling her not to do it in the toaster was enough.

Adult children suck sometimes

The other day my 23yo (who was visiting...moved out a month ago, finally) told me to stop fiddling with my hair as it makes her think I am not concentrating on her 100%

No thought to the previous hour I had listened to all her (mostly imaginery) woes and helped her out financially with some stuff

She was invited to bugger off back to her own house if she didn't like the audience she was getting

Why have you even got an opinion on her toast?

I have a 24-year-old still living at home and he can clash with dh a lot. It always tends to be over silly small things like him not opening the window when he is taking a long hot shower! We are just trying to encourage him to move out as soon as possible – I am going to help him with househunting in April time when hopefully he will have saved up a big enough deposit. It’s difficult because they act like kids but they’re not kids. Don’t know what advice to give you other than be supportive and assist her in any way possible to move out asap

I think you were controlling and unreasonable. She's an adult, she can warm up her toast if she wants.

Rude and divaish to make a fuss about toast but not a massive deal if she wants to warm it up. I assume the argument is the outcome of bring at the end of your tether. I think you need to decide some ground rules or limits to the arrangement and sit down to chat when you're in a good mood.

I warm toast in my toaster (Dualit).

I also think you were unreasonable. If this was any other adult would you have so many opinions on what she did with her toast?
Just step back and let her have some breathing room.

Oh dear. It's hard having adult children back at home isn't it? I do sympathise because if I had my 24 year old DS back home again I think we'd kill each other, much as I adore him.

I do think you overreacted about the toast though. You were right about not letting her put it back in the toaster, but should've bitten your tongue about the grill. Pick your battles & all that.

As for your DD, is she stressed about job hunting & having to live back home? That's very likely to make her more diva-ish than normal. From experience with one of mine, I'd suggest backing right off with the job hunting help. If I try helping my DS he gets stubborn & digs his heels in.

I think with adult children living back at home it's quite difficult establishing new rules & boundaries. You have to really pick your battles, as I've learned the hard way when I've had my young adults moving back in for a while. It's almost like having teenagers again, but at least you know they'll be gone again as soon as they find their feet. I love mine to bits, but do breathe a sigh of relief when they move out again.

Don't U hav a microwave? We warm up toast in ours.

Disengaging will do your mental health good.

See this is why I posted on Mumsnet. You are all right and very wise. I do need to step back.

Mine is 22 ,living at home
I hear you op
And I had similar with mine kicking of over the fact we weren’t walking the dogs where she wanted to walk them

I’m not even going to mention Pianogate, which occurred yesterday.

But I still think it’s churlish to complain that the lovely piece of buttered toast someone has made for you (while you were sitting on your arse) is not hot enough. It wasn’t even cold ffs.

Why the hell would any sane person put already BUTTERED toast back in the bloody grill ?!

that is disgusting... and NO you are NBU OP.

If she craves a less controlling environment.. tell her to move the hell out.

It's not about the toast though...

Is this really the hill you choose to die on? You do sound very controlling and I say that as a mum of a 23 year old.

Regarding the toast argument...

Can see how controlling it is to tell someone that their food is the correct temperature after they've stated they would like it hotter? How would you feel if you had a cool cuppa and someone insisted it was perfectly hot and delicious?

I know you have recognised you need to step back but having someone criticise your personal choices and preferences isn't good.

Actually tell us about pianogate as that might be more illuminating.

It's incredibly annoying when some one flounces in and criticises something you've done for them and makes a big deal about 'correcting' it. I'm not surprised you were angry. I think you could say you're not cooking for everyone every meal. I do supper but not lunch. Too many meals makes it all look too easy!

PianogatePianogatePianogatePianogate
You know you want to really!

Why were you making everyones lunch on your own? Let the chilled out lazy buggers make their own and clean up after, and no I wouldn't put toast dripping with butter back in the toaster.

Wow! I'm impressed you haven't been hung drawn and quartered by the MN collective. Any criticism on here of adult children leaves one open to public dismembering.

I get you op. She sounds like a pita - just have the warmish toast already, not everything has to be perfect! But you and she are not dissimilar eh. I'm not saying you're s pita - I'm sure you've learned over the years not too be lol. You're clashing, that's it. All there is to it. Not your fault or hers (in they lol!).

Can you talk openly with her about the clash element? My DD and I have discussions about our clash points and have managed to come to some level of peace or she can't have it all her way and I can't have it all mine.

Except it's my house not hers. If she wants to reheat her toast, that she's made, in her house then fine. Just saying.

From this example it sounds like she tries to provoke you. I'd just say thank you, eat the toast and be grateful! I'm 32 and my mum made me fishfingers in a briosh bun yesterday (made them for the grandkids and made me one too!) was amazing, just having someone make me something is really rare, always tastes better when mum makes it too

Maybe drop some hints about uni or something if she hasn't been!....

*in theory

Pianogate.

So DH has taken up the piano and is practising at least a couple of hours a day. DD1’s bedroom is directly above said piano and yesterday she was stomping around, nearly in tears, saying DH was driving her mad with the piano.

So I popped my head round the door and said, could you give it a rest now; you’re driving DD mad?

DH ran straight upstairs to question her and (unbeknown to me) DD denied being in any way annoyed. DH came down and carried on. I said what do you think you are doing? DD is being driven crazy.

DH accused me of trying to stop him playing the piano. I said no, I’m not bothered; I was thinking of DD. DD comes down and again says she’s not bothered.

DD accuses me of being a stirer. I say she needs to stop changing her story and messing everyone about. DH accuses me of being a stirer and hating his piano.

Basically I am in the wrong. Despite not being the one driving everyone mad with excessive Scott Joplin, or even being the one complaining about it, I am apparently in the wrong.