I can’t cope with my daughter being home

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I have a lovely, laid back DH. I hold my hands up and admit that I myself am a bit hot tempered and controlling. We have four lovely mostly grown up kids, three of whom are very chilled and DD1(24).

DD1 is a fantastic person; kind and brave and great fun. She also has slightly divaish tendencies and mood wise she is either really up or really down.

DD1 and I clash. We are either getting on brilliantly or we are clashing. At the moment she is between jobs and has been living at home for the past two months and I honestly feel I’m about to have a breakdown. Tiny things are being blown out of all proportion. Poor DH is at his wits end.

So today I offered to make everyone scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. DD only wanted toast. I got the pan and eggs and everything ready, made and buttered the toast then quickly scrambled the eggs and called everyone for lunch.

DD1 decided her toast was cold. Said she was going to put it back in the toaster. It was dripping with butter so I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was going to put it under the grill. I said chances are you will burn it or start a smeech and the fire alarm will go off. Besides it’s not really cold, mine is fine. She said mine is too cold; I don’t want to eat cold toast. I said make yourself some more then. She said I don’t want to waste food; I want to warm this piece up. I said well I’d rather you didn’t.

Then it all kicked off. Apparently I was very controlling not letting her warm her toast up. DD1 and DH both having a go at me. I apologised several times and they carried on having a go at me. What’s wrong with you, why are you always so angry nowadays?Etc.

I’m bloody angry because I’m living with a moody bloody diva. I spend a lot of my time encouraging her with her job hunting and being nice but nothing is ever good enough; she just picks faults, moans about my cooking and accuses me of things like not using a nice tone (or even having a nice face) when I talk to her. If I talk to her siblings on the phone or give her little brother some attention she kicks off. And bloody DH is like her little lapdog or something.

I think the toast is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I just don’t want to engage with her any more.

I have 2 boys aged 21 and 22 both away at uni....they come home to me in the holidays....as much as i love them they are a nightmare to live with...by the time they go back in September my house looks like a student squat and im on my knees with exhaustion...i sympathise with you op.

I really don't care if I piss my dcs off, particularly if they are 20+ years old. In fact, surely parents are supposed to irritate their adult kids

Luckily I don't have particularly argumentative kids that get fussy about toast or just give it to the dogs if they dont like it and make another piece

We used to make cheese on toast by putting the toaster on its side abs using it as a grill.

Just coming on to say DD has two interviews this week, hurrah! So fingers crossed she will be off soon and happily living her own life.

And for those worried about DH’s piano playing and the neighbours, we are very detached so that’s not an issue.

@littlehappyhippo, aw, poor little dd only 'a few years out of her teens' can't be expected to know how to behave? Alternatively she's a fully grown woman who's lived away from home and could entirely legally have an 8 year old child of her own. 24 year olds are parents, lawyers and doctors - I think it's a pretty good age to expect to know how to behave like an adult!

OP I think you've accepted that, on the face of it, toastgate was ridiculous - you're acting as if it's a full on three course meal that you've spent hours slaving over she's insulted rather than a 5p piece of bread that took you half a second to press 'down' on the toaster to produce.

HOWEVER I totally, 100% see where you are coming from in terms of 'straw that broke the came's back'. It makes me laugh because your DD sounds EXACTLY like my dsis. I did not think there were two of them in the word, but they sound like actual twins, with everything from the up/down personalities to the divaish tendancies. We used to say dsis was like the 'little girl who had a little girl - when she was good she was very very good, when she was bad she was horrid!' When she was in a good mood there was nobody more fun or charming, when she was in a bad one she was horrendous! And there was no telling what mood she would be in - she went from one to the other with no warning.

You sound like my ddad, who always clashed with her over ridiculous things, and your dh is my peacekeeper dm. I can only sympathise because living with someone with such extreme personalities is horrible - both me and my other dsib moved out early ourselves because it was so exhausting living with her. As you mention - whenever she was away family life was so calm - then the moment she came back she was always arguing with someone. Then you felt guilty for thinking that but it was true - it was either her vs Ddad, or her vs me, or other dsib, or Ddad and Dmum arguing with each other because of the way Ddad had argued with dsis....God forbid you pointed this out to her, then it was all 'everyone hates me, no wonder I'm so upset when you all gang up on me, you don't even want me here!'

Sorry this was such an epic but it brought back so many memories! I can only say that since we've all moved out things are much calmer - hope it will be the same with you

Bloody hell Once are you one of my other kids? How is your sister doing in life? I do worry. DD makes friends and boyfriends and gets jobs very easily but she’s not good at sticking to things. She has had a lot of fresh starts.

Deja vu again...😂 she is nearly thirty now and I would say doing pretty well/happy but not what I would call "settled" has moved around a lot lived in different countries doing different jobs etc.its funny because she makes friends SO easily but seems to struggle with long term relationships/very close friendships as she can't keep the "super fun" persona going forever and the moment a b/f or whoever gets a taste of her in "grumpy" mode and get spoken to like the shit on her shoe they seem to think screw this and they break up. Unfortunately as family we don't have the same option!

I would say bear in mind the feelings of your other dc as it did cause a lot of stress in our house growing up and we did feel resentful of the "nice" parent (your dh in your case) always minimising behaviour that at minimum was really stressful and at maximum verged on vaguely psychopathic.

Sounds like Kate on the Archers. Complete pita sorry to say.

Yep Once I can totally see DD living like that, right down to the travel. To be honest I suspect DD is somewhere on the ADD spectrum. She definitely has some sort of well masked issue.

And the heads up about my other kids is very telling. I think DD2 feels quite oppressed and exasperated by her diva ways sometimes although they do rub along okay on the whole. I think DD1 would like to be closer but DD2 is quite wary. DS1 is super laid back and friendly but doesn’t engage with the drama, but she clashes with DS2 and I try to prevent this as much as I can.

Just enjoy what you are doing OP.

She has to fit in. If she doesn't like DHs piano playing it's too bad. I had this as a dc as my df played under my room.

My ds in living here after uni. He often does his own food.

She's 24, fair enough you didn't want her to put buttered toast in the toaster, but when she said she'd put it under the grill you should've left it at that. She doesn't need micromanaging or you telling her temperature of the toast is OK, when you're not the one eating it.

She didn't ask for toast, you offered.

If you think this is your hill to die on up to you tho.