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Original poster

I can’t cope with my daughter being home

236 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2019 15:37

I have a lovely, laid back DH. I hold my hands up and admit that I myself am a bit hot tempered and controlling. We have four lovely mostly grown up kids, three of whom are very chilled and DD1(24).

DD1 is a fantastic person; kind and brave and great fun. She also has slightly divaish tendencies and mood wise she is either really up or really down.

DD1 and I clash. We are either getting on brilliantly or we are clashing. At the moment she is between jobs and has been living at home for the past two months and I honestly feel I’m about to have a breakdown. Tiny things are being blown out of all proportion. Poor DH is at his wits end.

So today I offered to make everyone scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. DD only wanted toast. I got the pan and eggs and everything ready, made and buttered the toast then quickly scrambled the eggs and called everyone for lunch.

DD1 decided her toast was cold. Said she was going to put it back in the toaster. It was dripping with butter so I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was going to put it under the grill. I said chances are you will burn it or start a smeech and the fire alarm will go off. Besides it’s not really cold, mine is fine. She said mine is too cold; I don’t want to eat cold toast. I said make yourself some more then. She said I don’t want to waste food; I want to warm this piece up. I said well I’d rather you didn’t.

Then it all kicked off. Apparently I was very controlling not letting her warm her toast up. DD1 and DH both having a go at me. I apologised several times and they carried on having a go at me. What’s wrong with you, why are you always so angry nowadays?Etc.

I’m bloody angry because I’m living with a moody bloody diva. I spend a lot of my time encouraging her with her job hunting and being nice but nothing is ever good enough; she just picks faults, moans about my cooking and accuses me of things like not using a nice tone (or even having a nice face) when I talk to her. If I talk to her siblings on the phone or give her little brother some attention she kicks off. And bloody DH is like her little lapdog or something.

I think the toast is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I just don’t want to engage with her any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2019 16:44

Well I think he really wanted to believe she wasn’t bothered so he could carry on playing, guilt free.

But no, the not believing me is a bit of a lightbulb moment. Because I don’t feel we are a team with the kids: I am always bad cop. He is lawyer for the defence. Not so much of an issue now they are mostly grown up but has caused massive problems in the past.

I am a different person when DD is not here. Maybe it is just us clashing or maybe more.

She does clash with DS2 too. The other two tend to not engage.

OP posts:
AllStarBySmashMouth · 10/11/2019 16:45

Ah yes, Pianogate makes more sense.

BuckingFrolics · 10/11/2019 16:46

I bet you try and resolve all issues and placate everyone - you should stop that for a start, DD and DH are not 6, they don't benefit from mothermediator.

Step way back, not in a punitive way but in a "we're all adults" way. If DD is upset with DH she can tell him. It's not your problem.

Read up on the Drama Triangle cos your family sounds like it's caught up in it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2019 16:47

And warming up toast? Is it even a thing? I have never warmed up toast, or even considered warming up toast, in my life. Just eat the bloody toast.

But it’s not about the toast.

Or even the piano.

OP posts:
sawyersfishbiscuits · 10/11/2019 16:47

WineThanksFor you OP X
My DD (21) is exactly the same. Her specialty is making me look bad to my DM... it's bloody awful. She's threatening to move back home currently... I just hope it doesn't happen because I can't cope with the massive tantrums over absolutely nothing!

DelphiniumBlue · 10/11/2019 16:48

I've got DS 1 back at home, he is quite touchy if he thinks I'm telling him what to do.
My advice to you is back off big time. Its really hard but don't get involved with other people's issues. If DD was bothered by the piano, she could speak to DH herself. No need for you to be involved, or for you to have an opinion about how hot her toast is.
Save your comments for stuff that actually impacts on you.

Brakebackcyclebot · 10/11/2019 16:49

Pianogate - sounds like they both behaved really badly. Next time, don't intervene on DD's behalf - if DH's piano playing is upsetting her, onus on on HER to talk to DH. It sounds like she manipulated the situation, knowing that she is DH's golden child, so that you ended up looking like the bad guy.

Stop trying to make everyone else happy OP. Make yourself happy and let them sort themselves out.

RandomMess · 10/11/2019 16:49

Your DH is well put or order, this dynamic will continue for as long as he indulges her unacceptable behaviour.

I would be livid over pianogate.

Nousernameforme · 10/11/2019 16:49

Disengage from them both for a while.
Let them sort each others woes out and make their own food. They are both adults. You didn't need to get involved in either of those situations really and their responses were dreadful. Can you spend a bit more time out of the house mooching round shop,s museums, sit in a cafe anything to avoid them.

exLtEveDallas · 10/11/2019 16:49

I suppose the answer is to stop offering. My 14 year old complained that her toast was cold one morning and I said "OK, sorry about that, you carry on and do it for yourself from now on"...the following morning she was annoyed that I hadn't put hers in after making mine. I reminded her of the previous morning... she now makes her own or eats mine without complaining :)

Ilove · 10/11/2019 16:52

I only like cold toast. Can I move in?

Brakebackcyclebot · 10/11/2019 16:53

the not believing me is a bit of a lightbulb moment. Because I don’t feel we are a team with the kids: I am always bad cop. He is lawyer for the defence. Not so much of an issue now they are mostly grown up but has caused massive problems in the past

This is crux of it? You want everyone to be happy. DH just wants an easy life and will let you be bad cop so that he doesn't have to be - he just wants to be popular and if that's at your expense, so be it. This isn't being laid back - it's being lazy.

DD wants to play you off against eachother, and it's working.

Step back and don't step in as middle man any more OP. It isn't helping you, and it certainly isn't achieving your aim of everyone being happy.....

DillyDilly · 10/11/2019 16:53

Slightly off topic but why on earth are you buttering toast for adults? I’d have put the first lot of bread in the toaster, scramble the eggs, put the toast on a plate on the table and stick on the next batch.

madcatladyforever · 10/11/2019 16:56

For fucks sake I'd go nuts if someone put buttery bnloody toast in the toaster. Its a piece of fecking bread, just do a new one.
That would give me the rage too OP. Nice buttery trail for you to clear up.

Kaykay06 · 10/11/2019 16:56

Next time ram the toast in her mouth and tell her to get a job and fuck off
Don’t cook for her in fact I’d just get on with my own life and give her a date to have found a job and moved out
No way would I be putting up with that shit in my own house she’s a grown up apparently, you need to ignore her shit.

Groovinpeanut · 10/11/2019 16:56

I think you need to put your foot down OP!
From now on let your daughter sort her own food out, her behaviour is out of order ( I've never got this cold toast thing, just eat the toast)
The piano behaviour was devious and sneaky.
Just leave them to it. Put your ear phones on and settle down with some lovely relaxing music oblivious to their antics Smile

Treesthemovie · 10/11/2019 17:00

It does sound like you were the one that was annoyed about the piano and tried to say it was her. Also "lovely piece of buttered toast"? It's just a bit of toast and was hardly slaved over, she can heat it if she wants to.

katewhinesalot · 10/11/2019 17:00

"Do it yourself then" should be your new mantra.

APerkyPumpkin · 10/11/2019 17:02

Stop bloody putting yourself in the firing line and making her toast..why isn't she running around after you making you food for a fucking change if she is so good at everything?

Ginfordinner · 10/11/2019 17:02

I hate that the word "controlling" is overused. I don't think anyone was being controlling here. I wouldn't have buttered the toast though. I would have just put the butter on the table.

Stillfunny · 10/11/2019 17:03

We had the same thing here. DD23 and Daddy's girl. Found if soo difficult when she was trying to "take over " on MY kitchen, rearranging stuff , etc.
DH always took her side , telling me to chill out when I would get annoyed. He would though, what interest did he have in kitchens?
I hear you OP! Not easy .Smile

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2019 17:03

Thank you lovely mumsnetters for indulging my moaning. I am going to make a solid effort to step back a bit. This too shall pass.

OP posts:
Wonkybanana · 10/11/2019 17:05

It does sound like you were the one that was annoyed about the piano and tried to say it was her.

Eh? How do you get to that?

averythinline · 10/11/2019 17:05

She sounds a brat but your DH is a problem.,, I think you can only step back... she moans about piano ... meh she can tell him , makes her own lunch .. you sound like you've stepped a bit into "mum" mode of a younger child... at that age she needs to be sorting herself out...
Paying rent/supporting herself is she?
Not surprised siblings don't engage with princess....

BreconBeBuggered · 10/11/2019 17:06

I've always felt that toast made in a toaster goes cold far too quickly. As the parent of an adult and a teenager, it's nice to feel I may have been right for once.
Sympathies, OP. Mine would almost certainly have popped buttered toast back into the toaster, which is why I keep the thing hidden.