I can’t cope with my daughter being home

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I have a lovely, laid back DH. I hold my hands up and admit that I myself am a bit hot tempered and controlling. We have four lovely mostly grown up kids, three of whom are very chilled and DD1(24).

DD1 is a fantastic person; kind and brave and great fun. She also has slightly divaish tendencies and mood wise she is either really up or really down.

DD1 and I clash. We are either getting on brilliantly or we are clashing. At the moment she is between jobs and has been living at home for the past two months and I honestly feel I’m about to have a breakdown. Tiny things are being blown out of all proportion. Poor DH is at his wits end.

So today I offered to make everyone scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. DD only wanted toast. I got the pan and eggs and everything ready, made and buttered the toast then quickly scrambled the eggs and called everyone for lunch.

DD1 decided her toast was cold. Said she was going to put it back in the toaster. It was dripping with butter so I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was going to put it under the grill. I said chances are you will burn it or start a smeech and the fire alarm will go off. Besides it’s not really cold, mine is fine. She said mine is too cold; I don’t want to eat cold toast. I said make yourself some more then. She said I don’t want to waste food; I want to warm this piece up. I said well I’d rather you didn’t.

Then it all kicked off. Apparently I was very controlling not letting her warm her toast up. DD1 and DH both having a go at me. I apologised several times and they carried on having a go at me. What’s wrong with you, why are you always so angry nowadays?Etc.

I’m bloody angry because I’m living with a moody bloody diva. I spend a lot of my time encouraging her with her job hunting and being nice but nothing is ever good enough; she just picks faults, moans about my cooking and accuses me of things like not using a nice tone (or even having a nice face) when I talk to her. If I talk to her siblings on the phone or give her little brother some attention she kicks off. And bloody DH is like her little lapdog or something.

I think the toast is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I just don’t want to engage with her any more.

Step back, toast gate ' don't do it in the toaster' let her grill it and set of the smoke alarm and ignore she can deal with it.
Piano gate 'nip down and say to dad' let her deal with it.
If in doubt say nothing

I think you're pandering far too much to everyone. Leave them to sort out their own lives and dramas - and their own lunch.
A few years ago I moved back home for a year, I was then the same age as your daughter is now. Had similar issues with my mum... as much as I love her she drove me nuts.
Always running around after me, making me food etc and checking I was OK, then would act the martyr about doing so much for me (which I had never asked for in the first place and I hate being fussed over).
She would also constantly voice disapproval about how I did things and would make "corrections" about how I should do it instead ("you'll be cold, take the other coat", "don't do the dishes that way, do them this way", "you don't get enough sleep, you should be going to bed at X hour etc) which was irritating as it felt like she still thought of me as a child that couldn't be trusted.
Actually her fussing made me behave more like a child, I was often grumpy and "diva"-ish.
We get on much better now that I live independently, although I'm still prone to a tantrum when I'm with her (I'm 30 FGS). I think it's my automatic reaction against her wanting to micromanage things (her current obsession is whether I'm getting enough vitamins, cue lectures on what I should be eating).
So yeah, I can almost guarantee if you step back and give her breathing space things will improve.

You could have let her put it under the grill OP and there would have been no argument. It'd have barely taken any time to heat up had she preheated it and then put it under quickly.

I wouldn't have allowed butter in the toaster though so thats not unreasonable

But putting buttered toast in the toaster would ruin the toaster, and putting buttered toast under the grill could start a fire, as the OP stated. Presumably the OP (and her DH) are paying for the toaster and grill and don't want them ruined??

OP - YANBU. Heating up buttered toast in an electrical appliance is stupid, dangerous, potentially expensive and just plain WRONG!

Buttered toast under the grill wouldn't start a fire unless you're a moron lol.

DH will never hear a word against DD1, she is his golden child

Uh-oh ☹️

I wouldn't want her in my way in the kitchen, warming her toast. Eat it as it is or, as a pp says, do it yourself. When you're not there op so she doesn't get underfoot.

Your kitchen, remember. Bought and paid for by you. Not her. Yes, shared if she has the right attitude, happily. Pull rank if not.

Your husband is a problem op.

Step back and let her get on with it.
I recently had my 23 year old son living back with me for several months having finished uni. I am not controlling, but you cannot help yourself getting iritated by little things, but you have to remember they are not children any more and try and treat them as adults. I have always battled with my son over his lengthy showers plus I have a water meter. I really had to let that go other wise we would be at loggerheads every day. He was also leaving the tv on everytime he left the house, after initially telling him I gave up. It worked for me, life is too short if they are not home long term.

I have enjoyed this thread simply for the discovery of 'smeech'. I've never come across that before.

You were right, it would splatter over the grill or ruin the toaster. It wouldn't have damaged the microwave but would have been gross. Any reason she cant cook her own food if she is going to complain?

I think you need to step right back. Start saying things like "sure" or "whatever you think" when she strops and go off and do something else. Stop offering to make lunch or solve her problems like with the piano playing etc. Just do your own thing. Easier said than done.

The thing about the toast is she was ungrateful. You made her lunch and instead of saying "thanks" she told you there was something wrong with it. That is why you were upset. And if she does that with another adult not related to her, it won't go down well either.

With the piano - well I'd have turned to my husband and asked him why he thinks I am lying to him. Then I'd have left them to it.

We've still got 2 adult DDs at home (23 and 21). I've just gone into the dining room to lay the table for tea for them and their BF's to find one of them has put the airer onto the wood floor with two jumpers dripping all over it. I'm so bloody cross I nearly threw the roast dinner into the garden for the birds. And who cleared up the tsunami......

It's a tolerance test, OP, having adult DC under your roof. But I know I must grit my teeth and bear it as I know I will be bereft when they finally fly the nest.

You seem that have become the default bad guy. How did that happen?

I think I'd start to drop out of being the centre point of the family. Stop organising them, running around after them and playing messenger. Let them get on with it until they start to own their own shit and, most importantly, are forced to deal with one another properly without you absorbing all the bad feeling and becoming the pantomime villain in your own home.

@TinklyLittleLaugh I feel your pain. DS1 (27) moved home this week due to relationship break up. DD1 (19) is very close to her SIL and the children and has sort of sided with them. There's no real "fault" in the break up-more about DIL long standing issues. I've had 7 days of being told I'm a crap mother even tho I'm doing my bloody best to support everyone best I can. Right now DS1 is top priority as last weekend he was practically suicidal. I have younger children too.
DD1 has her own struggles but right now she needs to be an adult and stop being a diva.
Physically I'm ill too with very little xx energy
Bloody kids-the things you don't get told at ante natal 😢 xx

Now she's home is she making your dinner or lunch at all? Is she contributing to the household or are you doing it all? If so, I'd stop!
And I'd definitely not interfere between your husband and daughter because even if you are trying to help, it's backfired.

I'm in the same position. I am finding it very wearing, although her company is welcome when she's in a good mood. (Not often). i sympathise with her situation it's horrible living at home in your twenties and trying to find a job etc... but I am tired of having dependent adult children.

Honestly OP I'm in your husbands camp. Chill the F out!

At 24, she should know how to safely prepare food, if she was rude, correct her for language or tone/attitude if it wasn't acceptable, but let her crack on with heating it up, seriously?!!

And the piano situation - you were stirring!!!! You should have told her to go down and tell her dad herself and stay out of it.

Sounds like you are constantly jumping to put someone down.

So, my DD is staying with you?

My DD is 21 and has always been quite demanding and difficult. I am constantly criticised for the things I do in my house (coughing, playing music, singing, cooking things she doesn't like) and DH often takes her side. She sighs a lot when I talk.

Every now and again I sit her down and give her a good talking to, along the lines that she'd wouldn't be so rude to her friends so why should I put up with it. She recognises her behaviour then and is less intolerant for a while.

We're very close and people always say how much I must miss her when she's at Uni but actually I brace myself for her return, although it's lovely to see her. She spends a chunk of her holiday at her grandparents house and that helps because they have a big house and worship the ground she walks on.

At 24, she should know how to safely prepare food

Like reheating buttered toast in the toaster?

Feck me, that warming up toast business would have made me FURIOUS, butterycrumbymessmakingnonscientific idoitic bastardry....just make another slice! If you put it in the toaster it will ignite, if you put it under the grill it will be rank and waxy.
Does that make you feel better OP? She is behaving like a toddler.
But also perhaps feeling very scared, uncertain, anxious, unsettled and antiboomer so maybe have a heart if you can bear it....? I feel really sorry for these guys sometimes (not all the time)

I'm in my late 20s still live with my parents. And we have had some humdingers over right petty things in the past. Typically when examples are needed I can't think of any. But afterwards give it an hour or so and it's as though nothing has happened (not sure if good or bad) does that happen with you and your dd or is there a frosty mood for the rest of the day or even into the next day?

I have nothing useful to add sorry OP but so happy to have learned the word 'smeech'!

Buttered toast aside, most toasters have a reheat setting, so, yes, reheating toast is a thing.

If you want to talk about abusive behaviour, let's talk about your controlling behaviour. Which you admitted right at the top of your post.

I hate the number of people on MN who will excuse parents abusing their adult children when they would never say the same about identical behaviour between partners. It's still a criminal offence. Nobody gets a free pass to abuse their children just because they've passed their 18th birthday.

Of course you can reheat toast, it's reheating buttered toast that the op objected to specifically. If the op is being controlling it is to prevent her muppet of a child causing an accident.