I can’t cope with my daughter being home

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I have a lovely, laid back DH. I hold my hands up and admit that I myself am a bit hot tempered and controlling. We have four lovely mostly grown up kids, three of whom are very chilled and DD1(24).

DD1 is a fantastic person; kind and brave and great fun. She also has slightly divaish tendencies and mood wise she is either really up or really down.

DD1 and I clash. We are either getting on brilliantly or we are clashing. At the moment she is between jobs and has been living at home for the past two months and I honestly feel I’m about to have a breakdown. Tiny things are being blown out of all proportion. Poor DH is at his wits end.

So today I offered to make everyone scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. DD only wanted toast. I got the pan and eggs and everything ready, made and buttered the toast then quickly scrambled the eggs and called everyone for lunch.

DD1 decided her toast was cold. Said she was going to put it back in the toaster. It was dripping with butter so I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was going to put it under the grill. I said chances are you will burn it or start a smeech and the fire alarm will go off. Besides it’s not really cold, mine is fine. She said mine is too cold; I don’t want to eat cold toast. I said make yourself some more then. She said I don’t want to waste food; I want to warm this piece up. I said well I’d rather you didn’t.

Then it all kicked off. Apparently I was very controlling not letting her warm her toast up. DD1 and DH both having a go at me. I apologised several times and they carried on having a go at me. What’s wrong with you, why are you always so angry nowadays?Etc.

I’m bloody angry because I’m living with a moody bloody diva. I spend a lot of my time encouraging her with her job hunting and being nice but nothing is ever good enough; she just picks faults, moans about my cooking and accuses me of things like not using a nice tone (or even having a nice face) when I talk to her. If I talk to her siblings on the phone or give her little brother some attention she kicks off. And bloody DH is like her little lapdog or something.

I think the toast is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I just don’t want to engage with her any more.

I agree that putting buttered toast back in the toaster is silly, but not allowing her to put it back under the grill for a minute, and telling her that she'd probably burn it and set the fire alarm off was definitely unreasonable and unkind actually.

I think you might need to take a look at your own attitude and behaviour towards your daughter - she is 24, she will move out sooner or later, and you need her to move out while your relationship is good, otherwise you will find that she keeps you at a distance once she's moved out. You might, of course, be glad of that.

Who puts buttered toast back in a toaster? It sounds like the DD is trying to cause a row with you. Ask her to find her own space and move out so you can both get on better. YADNBU. She is.

I do wonder. We were always quite a shouty household, then DD1 went to uni and it was calm. Literally, the whole atmosphere changed overnight.

But she is lovely. And great fun. And can be very caring.

But yeah, some great advice on here about not engaging. I am a fixer and a mediator. I need to back off and leave them to it.

I would let her warm her toast but there Is no way I will have her living at home, with no job and THAT attitude.

If she clashes, she may as well find another job (any job) pronto and get to do as she pleases on her very own place.

I'm with you OP. Reheating buttered toast is weird. She needs to help more and your dh needs to get the hell on board.

Slightly off topic but why on earth are you buttering toast for adults?

Yeah - it’s really Buttergate not Toastgate. The buttering was the mistake!

Just leave them to it more, OP.

“I’m making scrambled eggs for lunch.”
“No thanks Mum, I’ll just have toast.”
“OK, well help yourself when you’re hungry then.”

“Dad’s driving me mad with piano!”
“Is he? Mention it to him then, love, I’m sure he doesn’t want to annoy you.”

Don’t allow yourself to be blamed. You need to Teflon-coat yourself and let it all wash over you serenely. Don’t rise...

Don’t allow yourself to be blamed. You need to Teflon-coat yourself and let it all wash over you serenely. Don’t rise...

Good advice

I agree that you have to not get involved & let her sort out for herself what is irritating her.

She sounds horribly manipulative though & your husband no help.

Perhaps the pair of them can move out!

@TinklyLittleLaugh

You and your DD sound as bad as each other. At least she has an excuse. She's only 4 years out of her teens! You're old enough to know better!

I know I have controlling tendencies (I’m generally quite anxious) and I try very hard not to be that person.

Right. Thinking calm, detached, Teflon, la la la.

Going to make dinner now (including veggie option for the cold toast refuser). If she kicks off I will tell her to make her own from now on.

Controlling? Jesus, this rather serious accusation gets bandied around for cheap points on this board.

1. I'd be slightly peeved about the toast, but it was sufficient to say just don't put it in the toaster. She could have microwaved it for 10 seconds. without anyone even having noticed.

1. You did unnecessarily interject yourself in what should have been a matter between your husband and daughter. She should just suck it up when your husband is playing piano, she's old enough to be supportive of him playing.

If she kicks off I will tell her to make her own from now on.

I do no such thing. Just enjoy your dinner and bin hers if she doesn't like it. Let her figure out the next steps from there.

I hate anything other than hot straight from the toaster toast BUT would be very grateful for any toast made for me. Agree with a PP that you must stop mediation between DD and DH. Leave them to it.

On the other side .... my household is DD22 and me. DD has recently graduated, doesn't have a job yet and is excessively tidy. Within reason this is ok. In recent weeks this has meant that every drawer in the house has a neat label on the inside, all my bookshelves have been ordered alphabetically by author (with small labels denoting letter of surname), my wardrobes have been totally reorganised ..... some of this is ok but some means that if she isn't here, I can't find anything!!!!! I'm slightly looking forward to being able to rebel ....

Oh grow up OP

I am a fixer and a mediator.

That shines through. When asked why I do my job (SW type) I often say, "because I'm nosy and interfering". It keeps me honest. Because I could equally say, "because I'm caring and empathetic". Being a fixer and a mediator sounds good. But solutioning your adult children's and DH's life is not healthy.

She doesn't like the piano? 'Talk to your dad'.

She doesn't like the toast? 'Don't ruin my toaster'

Stop positioning yourself in the middle of everything and expecting everyone to appreciate it. They won't and you just end up looking like the issue.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

She needs to move out, and preferably not in the same town as you. She’s clearly a bit of a shit stirrer and plays your husband off against you.

I don't think that it's controlling to tell someone not to put buttered toast into the toaster or under the grill tbh.

I'd be wondering why they even needed to be told!

I don't think that it's controlling to tell someone not to put buttered toast into the toaster or under the grill tbh.

I think that word gets used too much. But it's the drip drip drip.

Don't put it in the toaster (fine
Don't put it under the grill (why not)
It's fine the temperature it is (hmm)
Make yourself some more (sheesh)
Who does this I've never heard it in my life (a-ha)

Don't put it under the grill (why not)

It will cause smoke and it will stink out the kitchen and is bad for lung health?

That's a big leap to go from her being annoyed to telling her dad that he has to stop playing. It's a betrayal actually if she was just having a private whinge. Did she ask you to get him to stop? Otherwise, all of a sudden she's confronted with him running upstairs and him being forbidden to play when she's in the house! OP, what a thing to do to someone. It's like you're trying to cause trouble for her. She shouldn't have lied, but I can understand why she did.

It does seem a bit odd if she was only having toast, to make it and then leave it to cool while you scrambled the eggs.

Does everyone eat warm toast?

Going to make dinner now (including veggie option for the cold toast refuser)

I hope you're not doing all the dinners OP. You are 3 adults. You need a rota. Start to think housemates and step out of mum role.

Does everyone eat warm toast?

Warm buttered toast is a joy.

Cold toast with congealed butter is rank.