I can’t cope with my daughter being home

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I have a lovely, laid back DH. I hold my hands up and admit that I myself am a bit hot tempered and controlling. We have four lovely mostly grown up kids, three of whom are very chilled and DD1(24).

DD1 is a fantastic person; kind and brave and great fun. She also has slightly divaish tendencies and mood wise she is either really up or really down.

DD1 and I clash. We are either getting on brilliantly or we are clashing. At the moment she is between jobs and has been living at home for the past two months and I honestly feel I’m about to have a breakdown. Tiny things are being blown out of all proportion. Poor DH is at his wits end.

So today I offered to make everyone scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. DD only wanted toast. I got the pan and eggs and everything ready, made and buttered the toast then quickly scrambled the eggs and called everyone for lunch.

DD1 decided her toast was cold. Said she was going to put it back in the toaster. It was dripping with butter so I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was going to put it under the grill. I said chances are you will burn it or start a smeech and the fire alarm will go off. Besides it’s not really cold, mine is fine. She said mine is too cold; I don’t want to eat cold toast. I said make yourself some more then. She said I don’t want to waste food; I want to warm this piece up. I said well I’d rather you didn’t.

Then it all kicked off. Apparently I was very controlling not letting her warm her toast up. DD1 and DH both having a go at me. I apologised several times and they carried on having a go at me. What’s wrong with you, why are you always so angry nowadays?Etc.

I’m bloody angry because I’m living with a moody bloody diva. I spend a lot of my time encouraging her with her job hunting and being nice but nothing is ever good enough; she just picks faults, moans about my cooking and accuses me of things like not using a nice tone (or even having a nice face) when I talk to her. If I talk to her siblings on the phone or give her little brother some attention she kicks off. And bloody DH is like her little lapdog or something.

I think the toast is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I just don’t want to engage with her any more.

I think dd1 didn't want her dad to know the piano was driving her crazy so she lied. If she complains about dh, be non committal and tell her to talk to him directly and not through you. This is a case of shooting the messenger. I think you should let them get on with it. So much upset over cold toast is ridiculous, your dd needs get a life. I think you should make a menu plan for the week. Let your dd decide if she wants to join you in the meal and indicate it on the chart at the beginning of the week. If she doesn't like how you prepare her food she can get her own. I got fed up with ds1 (15), not eating his packed lunch so now he makes his own.

I'm the other shoe here, a DD. You know best yes, but let her make her mistakes. She's an adult, but a young one. She probably desperately wants her independence but for some reason she's still at home. So treat her as a lodger rather than DD in situations like this.

"It does seem a bit odd if she was only having toast, to make it and then leave it to cool"

Well I would have thought that it depends if she usually has cold toast or not.

If she's known for being fussy/changing her mind-best thing is to leave her to do it herself though.

So she's jobless? She can bloody run the house then!!!

We were always quite a shouty household, then DD1 went to uni and it was calm. Literally, the whole atmosphere changed overnight

Honestly, going just by what you've written in this thread, I would say that can only be because your other kids are able to ignore your meddling more than she is. Cos to me, from your own words, it sounds like you're the cause of all the drama.

I get it OP, you were already feeling a bit 'up to here' with her then she just moans about the toast temperature (which is certainly something anyone with manners wouldn't do if someone had gone to the trouble of making them lunch). YANBU. She needs to grow up a bit, in her own place!

I think you were controlling and unreasonable. She's an adult, she can warm up her toast if she wants.

Well no, not in the toaster she can’t. How can you put toast dripping with butter into a toaster without it either bursting into flames or ruining the toaster, probably both?

Cos to me, from your own words, it sounds like you're the cause of all the drama

...aaaand another classic Mumsnet AIBU spiteful overreaction.

I’d have been the same about the toast! It’s not controlling. It is your house. I wouldn’t want the alarm going off.

Although honestly you can heat it in the microwave. Or she could just make fresh toast.,,

It sounds as if your Dh and DD are gangin up on you OP - and that is very unpleasant to feel like a spare wheel in your own home. At 24 she could easily be looking for somewher else to stay and really not expeting you to run round after her. Pianogate indicates she likes making trouble, as she outright lied and tried to turn the whole thing against you.

The toast - I think the actual perfection or otherwise of the toast is a bit of a red herring. You make lunch for everyone, scrambled eggs, she wans something different, you make it for her and instead of letting you sit and enjoy your lunch when you've made it she whinges on about the toast. Trying to put buttery toast in the toaster is stupid, but she probably knew that would get a rise out of you and then it all got abit out of control because you are annoyed by her being rude when you have essentially just cooked for her. Does she ever offer to make lunch for everyone, how would she react if you moaned it wasn't perfect?

It sounds as if your voice is not being heard, and you are not able to relax and be yourself in your own home. And it is your home, she is an adult and whichever one of you is the instigator of clashes, she is the one who needs to find alternative arrangements if she doesn;t like it. You shouldn't have to put up with being shouted up and have nasty things said to you in your house.

But putting buttered toast in the toaster would ruin the toaster, and putting buttered toast under the grill could start a fire, as the OP stated. Presumably the OP (and her DH) are paying for the toaster and grill and don't want them ruined??

HOW?! Seriously?

Does no one else make garlic bread with the grill?

Why are you doing all the cooking?

To echo this others, start a rota. You may also find it beneficial to agree house rules with your grown-up DCs and write them down. Rent (if applicable), cleaning, cooking, civility. It's going to be a two-way thing as benefit adults, but you may see an improvement as a result: partly because everyone shows respect and partly because you are gently loosening the parental reins.

The toast wouldn’t have bothered me. I would have said go and make yourself some more then or whatever. And just left it at that.

The piano... next time dd says something about dh tell her she needs to tell him herself. You shouldn’t have to be piggy in the middle.

Can see how controlling it is to tell someone that their food is the correct temperature after they've stated they would like it hotter? How would you feel if you had a cool cuppa and someone insisted it was perfectly hot and delicious?

^
But can you see how rude it is to sit on your arse and let someone make you some lunch then complain? Sometimes adult children seem to revert to childish / studenty ways when they come home. Personally I find they improve if / when they become parents themselves.

I adopt a 'let it go' attitude but that's much harder when they're living with you as in OP's situation.

Your relationship hasn't moved on from a relationship which was appropriate 10 years ago.

Both examples show you micromanaging.

You can't do that with a 23 year old and expect not to clash constantly, especially if she is more like you and - like you - unable to let things slide and put up with unsatisfactory but livable compromise.

It takes a specific dynamic and personalities for multiple adults to live in a household harmoniously. The dynamic isn't a parent child dynamic unless the parent is a compulsive "helper" and the child loves being helpless and helped.

Where the child has grown out of the dynamic and the parent maintains it you get stuck in the teenage rebellion stage because the dynamic has to change to move on to an adult relationship.

Either you have to treat her as a fully competent adult, the way you'd behave if your sister or best friend lived with you, or you can't live together harmoniously.

I know I can't live with other adults except DH so I know I would struggle if my teens wanted to move back in as adults. I knew not to move back in with my parents once I'd experienced not living with them, and therefore always worked university holidays to stay renting in my university town and only visited for a few days at a time.

Having other adults aside from DH live with me for even two weeks makes me very unhappy and uncomfortable. I'm horrible to live with if I have to share my sofa/ kitchen with adults other than DH for an extended number of nights - I know.

I don't think it's unusual but I think you have to know yourself and where your limits are, and not blame your adult daughter for reacting badly to being parented like a 13 year old.

She needs to move out for both your sakes - you might feel better with a deadline, even if that's the end of January. Meantime you have to step way back. So does your DH.

Using that analogy, it would be like someone complaining of a lukewarm cuppa and saying they'd just put the entire cup of tea back in the kettle to warm it up.

Putting buttered toast back in to the toaster is insane.

She is doing things to rise you because it's easy. Calm down and be even kinder to her if you can.

Agree with @Disfordarkchocolate just leave her alone and let her heat up her toast - you didn’t notice yours being cold as you put hot egg on it.
If she’s having something different to you all for lunch next time, just ask that she comes and butters her own toast which is still in the toaster whilst the rest of you eat.
Pick your battles.

Having had two bounce back and forth until they were in their late twenties early thirties. I would step back. the toast should not have been made an issue. If they have a beef with their dad then tell him not you. It can grate on your nerves especially if they have friends over who also make a mess and swan around. Mine had to do their own washing, ironing, if I cooked a meal they cleared up afterwards. Otherwise I left them to their own devices.

She didn't complain. She said it was cold and wanted to make it hot. And the hyperbole about being grateful for 'making lunch' is ridiculous. She heated bread. Hardly salmon en croute.

Yes, the toaster was a stupid idea. But everything else was a step too much interfering.

"Can see how controlling it is to tell someone that their food is the correct temperature after they've stated they would like it hotter?"

It's not so much that though is it as the daughter not having the sense to just make herself another slice.

Or when she knew Op was doing lunch doing her toast herself to try & time it to eat it hot with everyone or just waiting for it to be done & eating it straight away.

Of course putting buttered toast in the oven won't start a fire btw! You can make baked french toast... Any kind of thought about putting fat in the oven will tell you buttered toast is no more dangerous than most things to put in the oven.

Warm buttered toast is a joy.

Cold toast with congealed butter is rank.

I like cold toast but, in my defense, I only butter it once cold.

Here’s a great response for you, learned from having 3 teens and a stressy DH....

DD - dad’s piano playing a giving me a headache BLAH BLAH
Me - thank you for telling me

DD - my toast is too cold, I can’t eat cold toast BLAH BLAH
Me - thank you for telling me

DS - DS2 is doing my head in, he’s used my razor
Me - thank you for telling me
DS - aren’t you going to DO SOMETHING?!
Me - I’m taking it on board

Re Pianogate - she probably lied as she didn't want to upset your DH. From experience I can tell you that she's probably feeling frustrated about being jobless, and fed up of having to be home i.e. not out working or studying. Being home and jobless also means that most of her social interaction comes from the people she lives with, so she probably does want to keep people happy and avoid annoying them unnecessarily. She likely thought that playing piano makes DH happy and even though it's driving her up the wall, she doesn't want to upset him. This might be the case especially if she knows he will stop because she asks. She probably hasn't said but might feel like a bit of a burden and doesn't want to be more of one, by getting people to stop doing something they enjoy. However, she would probably still like to have a whinge about things that irritate her sometimes. Just venting about problems can help (I think you said so yourself earlier in the thread), so she might have even felt better after telling you and getting it all out.

Unfortunately, if there is a personality clash, and she's already feeling frustrated and a bit down about the situation in general, there are likely to be fallings out. I think it may be a good idea for you to take a small step back - it sounds like she's used to not living at home, and is used to being independent. So she's perhaps not used to someone fussing over her and telling her what to do all the time, and its getting her back up a bit?