I can’t cope with my daughter being home

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I have a lovely, laid back DH. I hold my hands up and admit that I myself am a bit hot tempered and controlling. We have four lovely mostly grown up kids, three of whom are very chilled and DD1(24).

DD1 is a fantastic person; kind and brave and great fun. She also has slightly divaish tendencies and mood wise she is either really up or really down.

DD1 and I clash. We are either getting on brilliantly or we are clashing. At the moment she is between jobs and has been living at home for the past two months and I honestly feel I’m about to have a breakdown. Tiny things are being blown out of all proportion. Poor DH is at his wits end.

So today I offered to make everyone scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. DD only wanted toast. I got the pan and eggs and everything ready, made and buttered the toast then quickly scrambled the eggs and called everyone for lunch.

DD1 decided her toast was cold. Said she was going to put it back in the toaster. It was dripping with butter so I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was going to put it under the grill. I said chances are you will burn it or start a smeech and the fire alarm will go off. Besides it’s not really cold, mine is fine. She said mine is too cold; I don’t want to eat cold toast. I said make yourself some more then. She said I don’t want to waste food; I want to warm this piece up. I said well I’d rather you didn’t.

Then it all kicked off. Apparently I was very controlling not letting her warm her toast up. DD1 and DH both having a go at me. I apologised several times and they carried on having a go at me. What’s wrong with you, why are you always so angry nowadays?Etc.

I’m bloody angry because I’m living with a moody bloody diva. I spend a lot of my time encouraging her with her job hunting and being nice but nothing is ever good enough; she just picks faults, moans about my cooking and accuses me of things like not using a nice tone (or even having a nice face) when I talk to her. If I talk to her siblings on the phone or give her little brother some attention she kicks off. And bloody DH is like her little lapdog or something.

I think the toast is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I just don’t want to engage with her any more.

Surely everyone

The road to hell is paved with those words. Young people are trying to be themselves, not you. They have to try new ways to do things, not just do exactly as you do.

And no, I make scrambled eggs slowly, toast while I'm doing it, butter last thing. Or, crucially, say, "can someone sort the toast while I make the eggs?"

You have my full sympathy. Ds is the same age and is long overdue his own place but refuses to move out. Instead he stays here and acts like a 14 year old who is lazy, entitled and obnoxious.
This sounds like something that would happen here. If I say anything (like don’t put it in the toaster - I don’t want you to break it) I too would be accused of being controlling.
I am in the edge as well but we can’t get him to move out - he is saving up first!

Pianogate:

Why were you trying to make it all right for her? She is an adult and not a shy retiring one. She is quite capable of saying to her Dad “could you have a break for a while please”.

Maybe she was feeling mad about it but also aware that she had no business to ask him to stop so was getting in with it in her own way. Even if she did want him to stop, that is her responsibility to deal with. But you made a triangle if it by putting yourself in the situation and asking him to stop.

Likewise why did your DH join in toast hoo ha? You WNBU to tell her not to put buttered toast in the toaster, but ridiculous about the grill, or you could have suggested a frying pan. And your DH could have stayed out of it. You all make triangles. You all feed the drama.

Haven't rtft but just feel the need to say to you all that buttering your bread (or toast) and then grilling it is an absolutely delicious snack. It somehow smells like bacon while grilling and tastes like a marginally healthier version of fried bread.

Wow her behaviour is pretty horrific tbh! I also remember arguing with my mum like that..when I was about 13! Surely this is a grown woman holding down a full time job? Why are you letting her get away with this behaviour?!

My two pence worth from my own experience as a young adult.
I suspect that when she can be AK home, you and your dd reverted to the positions you were in when she left.
She reverted to be and act like a teenager (she still has no more responsibilities etc...) whilst you reverted to Mum.
The problem there is that she has been living in her own and developed her own ways to do things, which will clash with yours.

The story with the toast - I wouldn’t dream to have a go at DH because my toast is ‘cold’ or not warm enough when he has done the cooking. That’s because I appreciate the fact he has done it HIS way, which might be different than mine. I might say I prefer my toast warmer but I would never make such a big song and dance about it. I think your dd needs to learn to be much more appreciative if the effort going on rather than taking it for granted (like a teenager).
I also wouldn’t take it well if someone was telling me not to do x and to do y and that really the way it is good enough. Because that’s how you treat a child and I’m not a child anymore.

Imo your DH and dd are looking sheepish, not because of toastmasters but because of pianogate. I suspect they BOTH know they went too far. Your dd in lying when you were trying to support her. Your DH for looking for reasons, any reason, why you were wrong and he could continue playing when he knows very well his two hours of ‘playing’ would be testing for everyone .

The first step there is to start treating her like an adult, not a teen, with the responsibilities associated with it. I’m pretty sure that cooking the family meal once or twice a week in the evening (esp if she has just come back from work) will make her much more appreciative of your efforts when you are cooking for the rest of the family. (Same with your DH btw. Cooking lunch at the we isnt the same as cooking the evening meals every single evening after a long day at work).
Same with doing some of the housework (washing, cleaning etc....).
Don’t assume she will be moving out as soon as she got a job either. You might be in in the long run if she can only find work in drips and drabs. And your relationship needs to move from mum/teen to adult/adult anyway.

@BlouseAndSkirt, I’m interested in the idea that the dd would think that she has no right to complain to her dad about the piano playing but somehow has the right to make a huge fuss about toast that isn’t warm enough/not prepared the right way for her.
Either this is not the reason at all why she then went lying to her dad saying she never said that. Or she thinks it’s normal to treat her dad with respect in his own house but somehow it’s also ok to walk all over her mum.
I’m not sure which option is more appealing tbh.

She might complain if you didnt make her toast! So what! Just point out it is better she makes it as she likes it and leave it at that.

Sheepish or not, it still seems like things need to change all round!

I was thinking of your neighbours if your house is a semi having to potentially listen to two hours of piano practice every day.

Ds1 gives me rows for leaving the living room door open as I'm still walking through it and for leaving the butter out the fridge. Then he leaves the butter out and the door open on his way out.

Smile and wave, smile and wave....

Sounds like you just wind each other up. Getting involved in warming her toast is bonkers. Fair enough to say don't use the toaster but anything else leave her to it.

You and your daughter sound too similar

Why couldn't she warm it under the grill? That's a bit controlling. You're treating her like a child. Cold toast is horrible, just because it's alright for you, it's ok for her?

You put bread in toaster but don't put it on until the eggs have started. Then it's ready simultaneously
Maybe I am an octopus

Warming buttered toast under the grill sounds like a massive waste of electricity. Just eat it cold or preferably when it's ready.

DS - aren’t you going to DO SOMETHING?!
Me - I’m taking it on board

I'm having this, thank you!

Warming buttered toast under the grill sounds like a massive waste of electricity. Just eat it cold or preferably when it's ready

In that case toasting it in the first place is a waste of electricity! Just eat bread!

Pick your battles!

I'm no house proud controlling diva but I wouldn't want anyone putting buttered toast back in my toaster either.

My current bugbear is shoes. And coats.
Ds and dd (23 and 21) are both back from uni and on gap years. The fucking mess is driving me up the wall, much as I love them and they're decent kids.
They WILL not put their shoes away in the cupboards and there are too many thick coats and jackets on the cloakroom hooks so they fall on the floor and no other fucker apart from me ever picks them up.
And don't get me started on (not) wiping the counter tops in the kitchen. And leaving stuff piled in the sink "because the dishwasher was full!" SO EMPTY IT THEN!!!

On the back of this thread, I was looking thoughtfully at DD, wondering if we could live together if need be when she was 24. Her face, when I told her what I was pondering, was a rictus of horror. Long may her reaction stay that way. . .

In that case toasting it in the first place is a waste of electricity! Just eat bread! erm, no, because presumably she wanted toast.

erm, no, because presumably she wanted toast.

Yes, hot toast.

How wasteful. Just eat it cold. If you want it hot make it yourself, once, in the toaster using one lot of electricity without making a massive drama out of it.

I think the only way OP could have pissed off her DD more would have been by telling her not to reheat her toast because it was a waste of electricity!! LMAO