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Original poster

MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

347 replies

FluffyUnicornClouds · 05/11/2019 07:42

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 05/11/2019 07:45

Do the kids physically get the money and then she takes it away again? I think you should get in there first and say you will look after it or just tell her you dont want it if there are strings attached

SNmum101 · 05/11/2019 07:47

If she’s constantly disappointing and frustrating your children, why let her continue with this? Just tell her to send a card in the post, and it’s ok if she can’t afford / doesn’t want to give your children a gift, but to stop withholding the money. Either she gives it to them or she doesn’t.

dementedpixie · 05/11/2019 07:47

Do the kids have bank accounts? Give her the bank details and tell her if she wants to give cash it can go straight in. Very unfair of her to police their spending

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BrieAndChilli · 05/11/2019 07:49

If your DH is NC with her then just all of you go NC. Just send her a message saying that the kids don’t want a penny for Christmas as it’s pointless as they won’t be able to spend it.
Alternatively could they ask for the money for things like school uniform/shoes, underwear, etc that you would normally buy and you give them the money you would have spent?

Chocolatecake12 · 05/11/2019 07:49

This is awful!! It’s as though she’s not really giving them anything at all by taking it back again.
You need to get in first and take the money from them before she does or you could say to her that if she’s not going to let them have it then don’t bother in the first place.
I hope your dd gets the laptop!

coragreta · 05/11/2019 07:49

Tell her it's for something she does approve of and use it for the laptop instead?

Winterdaysarehere · 05/11/2019 07:50

Just tell mil you have given dd the money for the laptop as she clearly is the fucking money police.
Tell the dc to right off the cash mil has stolen from them.
Save from you /your family at your house in future.
I would be fuming tbh...

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/11/2019 07:50

So she's not actually giving them any presents and is controlling you and the children. I'd follow your husbands lead if I was you.

Phillipa12 · 05/11/2019 07:50

Take the money first if its phsically in the card or if it isnt hand the card back to mil saying that the dc are never allowed to spend their gift on what they want so its a useless gift and therefore not wanted. Your dh is nc for a reason, if she blows up about it i suggest nc for the rest of you, your mil is very controling.

LighteningRidge · 05/11/2019 07:50

I agree with pp above. I personally would speak with her myself and explain the laptop is for homework purposes and this is how children submit homework now.

Alternatively lie and tell her she needs a new [fill in the blank sports equipment] and go get the laptop. If DS was allowed football boots should work for new hockey stick etc.

PurpleWithRed · 05/11/2019 07:51

Talk about adding insult to injury - not only does she police the gifts but also what your daughter wants (and the savings so far) are really sensible but she is still refusing to hand over the money.

Does MIL not understand the difference between a games console and a laptop or is she just being controlling?

Bit of a life lesson for your children, sadly.

Freddieiscomingforme · 05/11/2019 07:52

Does mil actually have the money?
Can she afford it?
Could it be she's giving the money pretending it's the kids but in reality she can't afford to give it so takes it back?

I'd have a quiet word and ask her.
If it is the case you can tell her not to pretend to give generously if it's not the case she'll see how she appears to be.

Kez200 · 05/11/2019 07:53

If she wants to give them ring fenced savings then let her. But dont get them to ask for it like this its humiliating. A laptop isnt in the league of being a waste of money.

Have a word with her and FIL and say things have to change and try and agree a way forward.

Was she like it with your DH?

OnlineShopping · 05/11/2019 07:53

I’m surprised you aren’t all NC with her and following your DH’s lead.

I would just return her card or whatever she sends and say it’s not appropriate for her to promise children money and then not actually give it to them so you’ve decided to stop the confusion by no longer exchanging gifts/cards. Then cease all contact with her.

RosesAndLilies · 05/11/2019 07:53

Why are you and the children maintaining a relationship when DH is NC? Surely that's a family decision?

Sounds like PIL are using money to control. I would stop that from happening as they are not being fair to the DC

Loaf90 · 05/11/2019 07:54

Sounds as though she doesn't trust your judgement OP

billybagpuss · 05/11/2019 07:54

I’d stop asking mil for any money at all, assume it doesn’t exist and make no fuss over it not so much as a thank you and if she asks why just say there were too many strings attached that it wasn’t worth it and they are not going to thank someone for a gift they never receive.

I’m sure your DD will be able to save the shortfall by Christmas

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/11/2019 07:55

Open a bank account for your DC and ask her for the money to go in there. She can’t disagree with that and if she does then I’d be saying they don’t want money as gifts any longer; if probably blow things up then and tell her that stealing your children’s money is lower than low.

Adogwithabone · 05/11/2019 07:55

What has MIL said when you've questioned her about it?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/11/2019 07:58

Wow that's so cruel of her, dangling the money in front of them, but not giving it to them. I think from now onwards I'd simply refuse any offers of money, stand your ground and be truthful when asked why.

A laptop isn't 'tat' and I'd be tempted to get something from school to say she needs 'x'model/type and present it to your mil along with the entire amount (not just the top up), so you spend as much of her 'money' as possible. Let your dd put away what she's saved to use in something else.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/11/2019 07:59

I’d not if!

MarthasGinYard · 05/11/2019 08:03

So they don't physically get the money and you aren't trusted with it either.

It's not really a gift is it. At those ages they could have a savings account each and you could ok their bigger purchases before they withdraw the money.

Sounds like a right faff.

NChangeForNoReason · 05/11/2019 08:06

As a pp suggested pretend it's for something she will approve of which is large cost (bike, educational accessory etc).

Then next birthday/Xmas refuse the gift. Simply state that whist you appreciate the sentiment, having to justify each purchase doesn't work for you therefore ur happy not to receive the gift.

Cherrysoup · 05/11/2019 08:11

If she’s constantly disappointing and frustrating your children, why let her continue with this? Just tell her to send a card in the post, and it’s ok if she can’t afford / doesn’t want to give your children a gift, but to stop withholding the money. Either she gives it to them or she doesn’t.

All of that. She sounds fucking horrible. Tell her not to bother as the kids are so disappointed re her controlling THEIR money.

Chloemol · 05/11/2019 08:11

Why not get your dh to speak to his mother. Ask her for all the money to go into the kids bank account and you police it. If she refuses just tell her not to bother giving anything anymore as it’s upsetting the children

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