MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

[FluffyUnicornClouds]

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

If MIL opened the accounts. The odds are she has control over them.

Shame on you for allowing this for so long.

Double shame on you if you continue to allow and facilitate contact between your children and this controlling woman.

Absolutely fucking baffling that you have ANYTHING to do with her given that your husband her own son is NC with cause

Which in this instance makes you the unreasonable party despite her behaviour

'Dear MIL,
The DC do not require Christmas gifts or money from you from here on out, please keep all the money you are already withholding from them (list amounts) and donate it to a children's charity. Please do not contact us again.
Fluffy'

I am shocked you have continued to let her control and humiliate your children for so long. Shame on you.

I'm really glad that you managed to talk with them about this. Its great that your fil agrees with you. But I would just write off mils money. Its not real. Next time she gifts money in a card, take out the cash and pop it in your bra. When she asks for it back, say that the kids want to go shopping. If that fails, then just rip up the card (unopened) and say no thanks.

I am not sure about these bank accounts

If there is no way op can get them transferred etc then whyam not let the go?

Tell fil...

Not if the MIL is named. Effectively it's MILs money. If I was OP I'd just write it off as stupid tax for allowing this to go on for so long.

If they're exclusively in MIL's name then she's stolen their money, hasn't she. If they're special kids' accounts then she'll probably be named as Trustee, in which case, when they reach majority then it all changes anyway, as the money's held in Trust for each named child.

OP, ask FIL about the accounts.

Following your update, you really have to cut contact with this controlling bitch. Your DH has the measure of her and I would bet that he is completely bewildered about why the fuck you have insistently maintained s relationship with her. I too think you must surely owe him and your children a big apology for having been such an idiot here.

You could maybe keep some minimal contact with your more reasonable FIL, though you will have to tread very carefully indeed if you do.

You need to take on board properly your DH's opinions on both of them too. Respect him. He has years more experience of his parents than you do. At least he doesn't seem like the usual men we see complained about on here who can't cut ties with Mummy and don't want to incur her wrath, so behave like total wet blankets.

Unfortunately for your DH and children though, you appear to have taken on that role for him. Inexplicably. You really need to put that right immediately.

Your DC are growing and this is an opportunity to teach them how to handle their finances.
Give them a set amount of money each week and set up a chore chart of what everyone is responsible for . DH still refers to it every night to check what his chores are. DC remember theirs.
Ours got $50 a week each in high school, until they got part time jobs.
That $50 paid for everything, Phone, food at school, outings, outfits, presents the lot.
If they wanted hair done or makeup, they saved.
They are now early 20’ s and very good at budgeting.
Say goodbye to money from PIL, and don’t give MIL any further power.
Good luck

Aargh what an awful woman!

My Mum tries to do this with my nephew.
She will give him money for a birthday or Xmas and then tells him what to spend it on and sometimes asks for a list of what he spent it on.
This is because he has a thing for designer trainers and she does want him to spend it that way.

I've had to tell her a few times that you can't give someone money as a gift and then tell them how to spend it.

He's 29 FGS, he's adult enough to know what he wants and it's not like he's using the money to buy crack cocaine.

She's getting her kicks from this, and clearly relishes being asked for the money. Your DH has the right idea.

If you don't want to go NC, then at the very least remove her means of control; consider that money non-existent and request that MiL no longer gifts the kids cash. She's teaching them damaging behaviours around ownership and spending.

I honk I'd set up accounts for them now. And I'd whisk their Christmas money away like a hawk. I'd tell the kids to give you the envelopes unopened. Then say as you won't let them actually have the money they now have their own savings account.

You'll only get to do it once though. And there will be fall out. But maybe that's just as well.

Sorry. Should have rtft. Good work.

She's a toxic hag. Let the money go and none of you mention it again. You can't choose your family but you can choose to be their doormat or not. Poor kids. All of you need to learn how to say no.

New bank accounts asap - Nationwide/ Santander/ HSBC all do good child current accounts with contactless visa card from 11. Start a fresh and ditch the MIL money and all that comes with it.

Oh fgs just fucking tell her to stop being a dick. Either it's a gift and they get the money and you as the parent will decide what is a sensible purchase, or she stops with the facade and just doesn't get them anything. She is using it as a means to control and they are now old enough to be wise to her game. I wouldn't have it.

Your husband being NC with his mother doesn’t excuse him from his parenting responsibilities. If anything, he’s the one that has nothing to lose by telling her the kids want their money.

Why have you assumed all of the burden of dealing with this woman? It’s totally unfair.

Horrible woman! What a DARVO she pulled on you. I’m amazed you didn’t lose your temper. I think it’s clear she is a nasty piece of work and you should be done with her. FIL isn’t blameless either. He has passively allowed this to happen and not intervened.

How are things now?

Charge MIL interest - she’s clearly borrowing your DC’s money!