MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

[FluffyUnicornClouds]

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

Seriously these people are not your parents, their own son is no contact. Text both mil & fil the same text

"Hi mil & fil. I completely disagree with the gift situation to my DC, I find it controlling and manipulative and I am not standing for it any longer. I am disgusted at being called a thief and it's the final straw for me. The DC and I are joining dh in having no contact with you mil. I would like to thank you fil for trying to be the voice of reason in all of this, I appreciate it. Can I just end this by pointing out the irony of you calling me a thief by spending dc money on nappies & food for him but you having been effectively stealing and humiliating my children for 3 years by keeping their money! Fil don't be s stranger, mil I suggest you think about why your family don't want you in their lives. P.s no Christmas presents required this year, we have given the DC their money you stole from our own pockets. Merry Christmas"

You are going to have to box clever.

Get the children to only open their envelopes when you are sat next to them on the sofa.

Get them to say thank you to Grandma and ask you to hold the money for safe keeping. As they immediately hand it over you can cheerfully say 'thank you I'll be putting it straight into your account'

If you explain to them it's the only way they will get to spend their money they will do this. They are obviously frustrated with the situation too.

Don't hand the money back to your MIL.

If she kicks off then that's her issue. She really can't be doing this, it's such bad form, really underhand I'd say.

I assume MIL and FIL have joint money and it was a joint present. Take advantage of FIL being furious. Ask him to transfer the children's money across to you asap.

Cool, so your kids won’t be burdened any longer with having this gas lighting, controlling liar in their lives then, surely? The woman’s own adult kid has cut her off but you keep inflicting her on your kids? Awful.

You can't reason with people like your MIL. Best to leave it alone and go no contact like your husband.

@CalmdownJanet
Great message👍

That’s awful OP. i wouldn’t be going out of my way to facilitate a relationship with someone who said I couldn’t be trusted with the DC’s money.

After reading your update I'd be going NC with her too. What a horrible woman.

Wow, ok, on the positive side you've got to the root of her issue.

Wil your fil be able to talk some sense into her?

Thanks for you update @FluffyUnicornClouds. There, MN ....

... was a perfect description of personality disorder!

The story kept changing (deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender) because MIL is not interested in truth.

She is interested in control.

Drop the hook, stop playing and stop engaging with the batshit woman.

Your children do not need any financial lessons from her.

Hi, MIL how are you, awful weather we are having.

Nothing deeper.

Your fil sounds like a sensible guy, perhaps now he knows what she's thinking he may talk mil round.
I always ask my son and dil what they want me to for gs Xmas and birthday.
Sometimes I know they're a bit hard up and I am subsidising their gifts for him too but that's fine because what matters is my gs is happy and loved and nothing is more important.

You've got FIL on side. This is so important.
Play smart not hard. She's shown that she's a bitch. Now use it.

Just send the most polite and passive text ever.

"Hi MIL, I was deeply hurt by your comments the other day. You are of course right that as it is your money you do have control over its use.
However. They are my children. And I will not allow them to be hurt by you and your choices further.
This Christmas you will not be allowed to pass any gifts to them and we will not be seeing you, hosting you or visiting you on the main Christmas days. I will be ensuring that these days are free of stress and upset for my family.
If you wish to discuss this matter further I am more than happy to sit down with you. However the children will not be involved in this matter any further."

You say the PILs are not hard up. If FIL is on side then I'd talk to him alone about this and ask him to transfer you the value of what is in the DCs accounts so that you can put it in new savings accounts that you and DH can oversee. MIL can then keep what she has hoarded. If he's not willing to intervene then personally I'd go NC with them both. You shouldn't allow your DCs to continue being controlled like this.

Definitely @CalmdownJanet 's message 👍🏻

Weird. Tell her you can do without her money- and her company for preference. You are setting a poor example to your children by allowing this woman to play with you all in this way. Stop it.

DO NOT send @CalmdownJanet's message.

You cannot win against a narcissist. There is no teaching a narcissist a lesson. You are 100% guaranteed to lose!

Don't react, don't engage.

Seriously. Hello MIL, terrible weather we are having is grey rock and will drive her nuts. Not reacting to Xmas gift will drive her nuts. Finding the karaoke evening at the pub on christmas eve unmissable will drive her nuts.

Do not engage with a narcissist. Smile and nod and don't take any notice.

I agree with screaming lady.

Just don't engage, she's a nasty piece of work

Wil your fil be able to talk some sense into her?

I find it hard to believe that he wasn't aware what was going on.

You can't win with people like this.

You know she's lying about the money from 10 years ago, because if that was the problem, shed have given DD her money when she asked for it.

It is definately about wanting to control how it's spent, and remember her refusal to give DD her money is evidence of that.

Talk to your DH, does he want you to cut contact as well? You can see she's not a positive person.

If he would like the kids to have a relationship with her (even when he won't himself), I would simply message that "to avoid any unpleasantness in the future, please do not give money to the children, physical gifts only." It'll probably be the wrong things, but you say thank you and then give to charity shops. You don't need to engage in this drawn out drama.

Once she's given the crap gifts, she loses control, you can keep them, throw them, but she can't use them to control you. If she asks for suggestions, offer non-key gifts, so if she gets it wrong, it's not something the DCs are really looking forward to.

I agree with ScreamingLadySutch do not engage with them. Have low or no contact with them.

You can't win in this situation. Write off the money and disengage from them.
Your husband doesn't want to speak to her, but he doesn't mind his children seeing her? What's that all about?

It was none of her business what you spent that £100 on. DS benefitted from it indirectly.

Take the cash firmly from the cards straight away and say you will put it in the children's new bank accounts - if the children are OK with you doing that, talk to them first and make sure you get their accounts set up, it's very easy. I would also make sure the kids open their cards on the other side of the room, or don't open them at all until you've left "I'll open it at home" and then put them in your bag and keep a constant eye on it.

When they're 18 they can move what's in 'her' accounts to theirs and meanwhile it might even be earning a little interest.

Find out about the n accounts - ask FIL. What bank, what names are they in, what's the account numbers? When you have that info, visit a brach with the children, passports, birth certificates, and arrange for them to have cash cards sent to your home. Make sure the address the right one. Arrange internet banking.

Your children are old enough to start learning how to manage their own money. At 14, I started paying dd's pocket money straight into her account. She had a cash card. I had no cotrolover that account, and no acess to it online except to pay into it from my account.