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Original poster

MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

347 replies

FluffyUnicornClouds · 05/11/2019 07:42

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 05/11/2019 08:33

Why are you letting your children go through the humiliation of asking her only to be rejected?

She's a manipulative cow and you're letting her get away with it.

SpiderCharlotte · 05/11/2019 08:34

If she gives them money in a card get them to sit with you and give you the money 'for their bank account'. Then if she asks you tell her that's where it's going. If she demands it back, give her it and leave. Then I would have nothing to do with her.

She's teaching your children financial control and abuse and you and your DH should not be letting this happen. Seriously, you need to sort this out.

BillHadersNewWife · 05/11/2019 08:35

ADogWithaBone

What has MIL said when you've questioned her about it?

WHY do people have to ask these passive aggressive questions!??

SO rude and annoying.

"What did he say when you mentioned it?"
"What did she say about it when you asked her?"

You see it more and more and it's weird!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SpiderCharlotte · 05/11/2019 08:36

I agree @BillHadersNewWife it's always been one of my pet hates on here and it's on the increase. Just ask the question properly without the faux assumptions.

BillHadersNewWife · 05/11/2019 08:37

OP....tell the children that the money MIL offers is fake money and provide the 100 for DD yourself. Tell MIL the DC and you have decided money is no longer accepted and they'd like a gift to unwrap please.

She'll FUME as her power is gone.

BillHadersNewWife · 05/11/2019 08:38

Spider it's so weird! The OP obviously asked on here because she wants advice on how to manage the situation...why do people waste their time posting that weird response!? It's obvious the OP needs a bit of guidance or advice. Glad I'm not the only one!

Derbee · 05/11/2019 08:39

For gods sake stop giving an known abusive person the tools to mentally torture the children

Agree with this. Also with the PP who pointed out how awful it must be for your DH to have gone NC, only to watch his children be controlled and manipulated in his place

BillHadersNewWife · 05/11/2019 08:39

She's teaching your children financial control and abuse and you and your DH should not be letting this happen.

I agree. Get your DH...or you...to take the power from her.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/11/2019 08:40

When she asks what they want for Christmas, get them to tell her nothing. Open the card and give her the money back. She's dangling a money carrot and by accepting it, you're giving her control. She is manipulative and controlling. By accepting her way of dictating their spending, you are allowing it.

JoRob1 · 05/11/2019 08:40

Why are you letting your kids humiliate themselves and get their hopes up to be shot down? It’s cruel and she sounds an absolute witch.

Make them new bank accounts, she has no hold over them, then follow your husbands lead and go NC.

bouncydog · 05/11/2019 08:41

I would give DD the money for the laptop and make other arrangements for Christmas Eve. When MIL asks why, I would just tell her that her behaviour with taking the money back and the children then having to seek approval to spend their “gift” causes them disappointment and upset. Don’t get into a row over it. She will then have to decide if releasing control and contact is better than nothing.

SpiderCharlotte · 05/11/2019 08:42

@BillHadersNewWife definitely not the only one!

OP if you're not going to talk to your MIL about this, and I really think you should, there's no point going down the money road if your children then have to beg for it. When asked about presents your DC's should mention something easy to buy and tangible - a specific thing to be wrapped up.

jessycake · 05/11/2019 08:44

I think you are either stuck with it and just grit your teeth or you refuse to go Christmas Eve or you risk making a scene by snatching the money money to look after straight away. What is your relationship with the in-laws like generally ? I would see about opening other accounts for them though & to regard their grandmothers controlling ways with their money as problem for her alone . And to not think of it as their money . I think I would eat beans on toast and give her the extra for the laptop though and let them know it .

eggsandwich · 05/11/2019 08:44

Do you buy her a Christmas and birthday present ? If you do I would do exactly the same to her till she gets the message, and if she asks for something she’s thought of to buy with the money say a firm no.

mummymayhem18 · 05/11/2019 08:45

That's disgraceful. You need to put a stop to this and stop letting her get awhile with it

verticality · 05/11/2019 08:45

OMG, I bet she's actually spent it!

I would go in with: 'MIL, can I ask whether you have spent the money that you were going to give to DD rather than putting it in a savings account? Because she needs a laptop for her homework. Children do their schoolwork on computers these days. It's a reasonable, grown up request, and I can't understand why you would refuse it unless the money isn't actually there?'

Derbee · 05/11/2019 08:46

“Hi MIL, DH and I feel you are trying to control the children with your ‘gift money’’ and the situation is not working for anyone. Unless you are prepared to give them the money and let them decide how it’s spent from now on, we would prefer it wasn’t offered”

Or
“Just to be clear, DH and I will not allow the DC to accept gift money this year.”

mummymayhem18 · 05/11/2019 08:46

Sorry that should have said "stop getting away with it". Stupid auto correct 😂

MerryMarigold · 05/11/2019 08:47

This is SO weird and I have never heard of this happening! I've never heard of anyone taking the money gift back, let alone policing what it is spent on. Please be aware how odd it is and that MIL is extending the abuse your DH decided to go NC over, to his children. I am surprised he is allowing his children to still see her and be treated like this.

You need to tell her why (don't get into a row, just say why and walk away) and then also go very LC or NC. Do not allow ANY more cash 'gifts' which in fact are not gifts, they are just a means of abuse and control.

TiceCream · 05/11/2019 08:48

You’re letting MIL control and humiliate you, and letting her financially abuse your DC, for the sake of £100 a year. I’m afraid I’d be telling her to keep her money if she’s going to be controlling. DH has gone NC so she’s obviously awful, why are you still subjecting your children to her behaviour? You need to open new bank accounts too and tell her to get lost.

MrKlaw · 05/11/2019 08:51

If she perhaps wants to encourage saving, she could give £50 cash for spending on 'fripperies' and put £50 into a savings account for each child?

She's being totally unreasonable though

pumpkinpie01 · 05/11/2019 08:54

What an awful controlling Grandma she is ! I feel quite sorry for your DC , what is she like with them in general ? Does she spend time with them ? Take them on days out ?

PocketDictionary · 05/11/2019 08:56

I would ask MIL to list what would be an acceptable spending of the money. Then get the DC to choose something and get it bought. It does not have to be something they even particularly want. The point is to get their money out of MIL and then they can use gift or sell on Ebay for hard cash. Sit back and watch MIL implode.

Derbee · 05/11/2019 08:59

It does not have to be something they even particularly want. The point is to get their money out of MIL and then they can use gift or sell on Ebay for hard cash

I would rather have DC that recognise controlling and manipulative behaviour, and move away from it. Not teach them to be manipulative and controlling too.

AJPTaylor · 05/11/2019 09:01

I would tell mil to hold on to any savings she wants to put money towards until they are 18. They won't be asking for anything from her before this point again.
Tell kids that they can have the money at 18 and not to ask granny again then go lower contact.