MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

[FluffyUnicornClouds]

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

I'd give her cash in a card and take it back !

They do both have bank accounts but they were set up and are again policed by MIL and are nothing to do with me.

Just seen this - (read from end of thread backwards).

Open new accounts for the kids. Do as another poster suggested and pop the cards in your bag to open later. If necessary leave if she causes a stink about it.

DOn't do what a PP suggested and pretend to buy/buy something else and e-bay it. It is just buying into her spite and madness.

PLUS your children will never learn how to spend their money wisely if she is telling them what thy should and shouldn't want.

Good suggestion from LifeSpectator re: bank accounts, soo.

If DH is nc with his mother, I don't understand why you let her anywhere near the dc. She's clearly a controlling loon.

the money gets put in a Xmas card when we go there Xmas eve and she then takes it back

Why are you letting her do that? Take the cards from your DC once they've opened them, thank your MIL, then tell everyone it's going in your handbag for safe-keeping.

And then go non-contact with her.

Personally I'd also be emailing her or writing to her, to explain that you're not prepared to let her control the children's money any more. Ask her to transfer the money to the DC's real bank accounts (if they haven't got any, open some now).

And when she refuses - as it sounds like she will - walk away. Your DH has gone NC for a very valid reason and I'm not sure why you're putting your DC through this torture every time.

Yes the money gets put in a Xmas card when we go there Xmas eve and she then takes it back. They may get a box of chocolates but the money is their gift.

So what would happen if they handed that money straight over to you for you to keep safe? Would she actually wrest it off you?

WWID? I would go to the bank and see if I could get control of the accounts, or pass it to the chn.

Assuming I could, once it was done, I would then message her briefly that I'd decided to put a stop to it. (Don't assume she doesn't know what she's doing.)

These are your children - as bat shit controlling as she sounds YOU are allowing this?

Your children need you to stand up for them. They need to know that they can control their own money and this gift is nothing of the sort.

Pull on your big girl pants and deal with her!

I would either message beforehand and have it out with her that you want their money returned to them or wait until Christmas Eve and refuse to give the money back. But you need to do this for your children because they are children!

This is a much easier case than most since your dh is already NC with them so he won't be trying to smooth things over.

Why on earth are you allowing the grandmother to abuse and attempt to control your children op ?
Bloody Hell ! Just end this now.
Tell the stupid woman to keep her money and cut contact.
It's beyond comprehension why she thinks the way she does. I'm a grandmother and I'd like my gc to come visit me when I can no longer get around. Your MIL is looking at a very lonely old age.

@FluffyUnicornClouds - if MiL actually hands over a card with the cash in it, get your children to hand you the cards to put in your handbag for safe keeping.
Then at least they will get this years money.
As for the previous years money, you need to tell MiL that the children want their previous Christmas presents from her (i.e. the money) and if she isn't willing to hand over the money, then all gifts and visits will stop. She has the control to do the right thing here and you are no longer going to have the 'gifts' dangled in front of your children like carrots as some form of enticement to stay in touch. You are all willing to forego the money (seeing as how they don't have it to spend anyway so it's no skin off their noses) so that they don't have to be exposed to this negative environment.

Put the ball firmly and squarely back in her court. She either hands over the money or you stop visiting. Get it sorted before Christmas though, and I'd even consider going over to visit her without the children too.

Yes she was very much like this with DH, basically he went NC due to her controlling and interfering the final straw was when she wouldn’t speak to us for 3 weeks as we decided to get a new to us family car and didn’t consult her first.

So why are you now back in touch?

Tell her to shove her money. Really it's disgusting this control over your DC.

Your husband has wisely gone no contact. So with this in mind, and knowing why and what your MIL is like why are you allowing her to control your children in this way?

Mark the note, at least that way you have the fun of seeing if it's the same 20 quid she hands out every time.
I wouldn't bother bringing it up, simply except that she doesn't actually get your children anything. It's shit, but it's what has been happening. You dh obviously has her number, follow his lead.

Oh dear.

This really is a very shit situation.

I think if she has given the money to the kids in a card and then taken it back without permission, she has actually stolen it.

Either way, she either gives them the cash that she owes them, or she doesn't see them at birthdays or christmas, because there is no way your kids should be going through this.

Yes the money gets put in a Xmas card when we go there Xmas eve and she then takes it back
Op can you talk through what actually happens. The kids open their cards, find £108, say Thanks Granny. Then what? If she asks for it back, can you firmly say "actually both kids have stuff in mind so I'm taking them shopping tomorrow. I'll just take it now" and have it off them?
It might mean she refuses to hand over the other £300 but doesn't sound like thry have much chance of seeing it anyway.

The bank account she manages I assume is just money from her? That's fine, just don't set up any expectations for itm.ots hers until its handed over to them to keep

Tell your DC to open the cards hand you the money straight away.

When MIZl asks for it, say 'No, it's fine, DC have asked me to put it in their bank for them. I'll do that. Thank you for your kind present.'

If MIL causes a scene, repeat and tell her that they have their own accounts and don't need it looking after.

Your DC already know that she's a PITA. Horrible behaviour from your MIL.

Do your DC get anything positive out of their relationship with their grandma? Or are the gifts the only way she gets contact with them? I would be going no contact, she sounds terrible.

I would tell DD to say thank you but I don't want the money at Christmas. This won't go down well but will make a point.
If she's not allowed to spend it on something that will be useful to her and, most importantly, that she wants, it's not really her money.
I would also make a point of giving DD a gift of money to cover the shortfall and make sure that she opens the card in front of mil.

Slightly a side issue, but you can buy great reconditioned laptops with a year guarantee online if you look at their specs/decide what you want. Both mine have really brilliant reconditioned ones which are better than they could have afforded new.

Ultimately it's her money. She's pretending to give them a gift but actually the gift is the small box of chocolates. I'd tell the DCs they can't accept the cash from now on.
Say thank you for the chocolates and then tell MIL they don't want the money. Never get them to call her to ask for access to the money again.
She can only be controlling because you're allowing her power in this situation. She's setting up potential conflict between your DCs by her arbitrary approach. If she wants to put the money into their accounts, then she can. With most child bank accounts, the funds revert to the DCs when they become adults so they would have a little fund of savings when they're older. But it's more likely, she'll stop giving the money when you stop her using it to control them.

Its also really important OP that you not let the other kids spend any of this money if your DD isn't allowed to spend hers. Ideally you should match the 50 quid the one child did get to spend by giving 50 to the other two.

Tell MIL that none of them will be spending any of this money until it is released to all of them, and explain that you havehad to redress the injustice she had done by allowing one but not the other two to spend 50 quid.

She is being cruel and manipulative towards your children.

It's your job as their Mum to protect them from cruel adults.

You need to cut contact all together.

I must try this trick of offering people a cash gift and then taking it back! A laptop seems a really suitable use for the money. There seems to be no logic to your MIL’s decisions. Well done your DD for saving so much towards it.

I agree that you should tell her no more so-called gifts. It doesn’t help your children to develop good spending habits if every time they choose something, they are told they can’t have it. It could also create friction if one child is allowed to buy something and the other isn’t.

I would be really upset if I had to deal with this. You need to have a word qith her before Christmas this year, and tell her not to do it.
Wither hand over the money, or dont, but no take backs!

Ultimately it's her money.

Insteps being her money when she gives it to the DCs.

She is effectively stealing from them, as she is taking a gift back.

It would be better for her to give nothing at all.