MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

[FluffyUnicornClouds]

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

*It stops, not insteps

Fuck off autocorrect. This will not end well for you.

Tell this vile CU*T to shove her money where the sun does not shine.. and NOT to pretend to gift money to your DC ever again.

This is NOT a gift ffs... it's a very twisted cruel means of controlling your DC because she has lost control of her DS. As soon as she tried to take that money out of those envelopes I's have stopped her right there, and said NO YOU DON'T.

What a nasty FUCKER this person is... I'm stunned and I'm angry for you OP allowing he children to be treated like this all these fucking years ?! who the hell does she think she is ?!

How does your DH feel about you and the kids having a relationship with his parents when their relationship is so bad he went no contact? What do you and them get from the relationship with them, as your post would suggest not much.

I think if she has given the money to the kids in a card and then taken it back without permission, she has actually stolen it

Sorry M3lon - isn't realise you'd already raised this point.

Buy her a bunch of flowers as a present and take it back home with you 'to look after' at your house.
Seriously though... she's horrible.

Tell her to stuff her "gifts" if your children can't actually have them.

I think you should never have let this go on for 2.5 years.

1. Tell the kids that granny is stealing their money and you are sorry, but you can't get the old money back.

1. Tell MIL that she is stealing the DC money and that her reasons for not allowing a laptop are unreasonable.

1. Next time, refuse to give her the money back. Agree with children in advance that they will IMMEDIATELY hand you the cash and you will hold on to it. Short of her physically tackling you to get the cash, there will be nothing she can do.

I actually don't believe this scenario, the more I think about it.

Schaden she isn't really giving it to them but they're all participating in the charade that she is. It's not a gift when the recipient knows they have to give it straight back and then meet random criteria to access it.
OP and the DCs need to stop pretending it's a gift.
Basically the MIL is waving money at them and saying 'ooh look what you could spend if I decide you're worthy enough' . Once everyone acknowledges that is what's happening and that it's not a gift, they will be able to deal with this appropriately.

DH should speak to his mother firmly to ask her to either physically give the DC money and let them keep it, or stop promising to “give” money but then not allowing them to access it, and instead buy them gifts of her choosing and seek suggestions from him/you if this would be helpful.

He could tell her that if she chooses to continue to offer to give money but retain control, the “gifts” will not be accepted by him/you for the DC, because it is not actually a gift if controlled by her, and isn’t good for her relationship with the DC.

She is not really giving them a gift at all. It is just a way to control them.

Your should sent her a message to the effect of you no longer want them to receive money as a gift as it has caused upset. You would rather they receive just a gift (to take home) or instead of a gift they could have a nice day out with the pil. Or they don't need to give a gift at all. You just meet up at Christmas and spend time together and you forget about the money you have already received (or not received)

You need to disarm her by telling her you don't want them to receive cards with money anymore. A gift would be welcome but not essential.

Derbee Explain how you think it would be the DC controlling the MIL? She has said it is their money. It is not controlling for the DC (or OP for them) to ask for what is theirs. It is calling out the MIL's controlling and bullying behaviour.

She sounds vile. Me and soon to be DH don't have any children, but BIL has a little boy. MIL gives him as a gift books of her own children, from their childhood (they look disgusting too) so I know what you mean.

Stop enabling her. Discuss with the children and explain, they're old enough!

I bet it's the same money in the envelope every single time.. back and forth.. she's giving them ZERO.

She's a vile old COW.

Just tell her the truth and tell her you won't be "accepting" anymore "gifts" from her as they're not really gifts when your children have to beg and plead their cases in order to spend any of it

OP just phone her and say the DCs won’t be accepting any gifts that they can’t keep as you want them to develop their independence and you’ve opened bank accounts for them to start managing money and being responsible

If you don't stop this now Fluffy this evil witch will use money to control them all of their lives; she will set them against each other (she's already started this by showing favouritism to your DS, and then not letting your DD have any of her own money).

Just as a matter of interest, does she favour your DS in general? Is she using him to replace the son (your DH) who is now NC with her. Surely this is affecting your relationship with your DH?

Please, please put a stop to this now. No matter how much more she has that they might one day inherit, tell her to stuff it. Let her leave it to a Cats' Home, because I know from bitter experience that she will destroy your family.

It happened with my parents, myself and my siblings. Paternal GM played one off against the other and completely ruined our relationships with each other.

My DF was an only child (his DB had died when he is only 26) and she guilted him so much that he couldn't break contact. She destroyed my parents' marriage causing trouble between my parents, and between all of us as she favoured first one and then another. I was lucky (though I didn't realise it at the time) because she hated me and so although I felt unloved and rejected, I wasn't ever drawn into the money madness. She lied and manipulated everyone, and we let her.

I hated her, and I still do. She was a vile, controlling, manipulative bitch and did untold damage.

Yes the money gets put in a Xmas card when we go there Xmas eve and she then takes it back. They may get a box of chocolates but the money is their gift.

Don't go over Christmas eve - or don't open the envelopes there and then put them away in your bag for Christmas day.

MIL tried this with toys - DH didn't say anything just quietly packed them when we were leaving.

I’d also step back – my DGP were bit like this with money often making promises my Mum always warned us that what it was my Dad wouldn’t have considered going NC. I’ve had to tell my DC that while DGP are saving for them which is lovely and kind it won’t buy anywhere near what MIL suggests it will – won’t pay for Uni or a house though it will help.

If their not allowed access to the bank accounts I’d shut down any conversation about them till much older and possible try and check they are in their names.

Basically the MIL is waving money at them and saying 'ooh look what you could spend if I decide you're worthy enough' . Once everyone acknowledges that is what's happening and that it's not a gift, they will be able to deal with this appropriately.

THIS ^

Haven't rtft but if your DD can hold on for a few more weeks then I would play along and keep my mouth shut until Xmas. Then when she gives the £100 take it and put it straight in your bag. If MIL says anything say it's going on equipment she needs for school, or if you want to be direct tell her how unfair this whole set up is. Then get DD a lovely laptop in the sales and decide going forward how much contact you really want with MIL.

People like this get away with the shit they pull because it's so outrageous no sane person would understand the motives behind it, so are paralysed with how to deal with it and end up letting it slide. Do you ignore it (and let her get away with it)? Do you rise to it (and give her an excuse to make you the grabby bad guy)? Do you rationalise with her (impossible as these people just don't listen)? Threaten NC (they don't submit to blackmail and will quite happily cut their nose off to spite their face and blame you)?

Play the long(ish) game and get your hands on this years money.

OP I am sorry really sorry for your kids...such a nasty thing to do.I would not give her the satisfaction of hurting my kids, No money is ever worth that.Maybe sit down with the kids and explain in an age appropriate way that some people say they will do things then sadly they don;t and gran is like this.She is not a very nice person you have found and you are really sorry but you and daddy will make up the money for what they need now and there will not be any money coming from gran again as she told a lie.Then put an end to the matter,,,the kids will be upset obviously but no one would ever be allowed to play with mine like this,Protect your kids from her and if she ever offers money again say thank you but no you keep it gran and do not ever accept anything from her again...she has tried to have a hold on your children do not let her,,they do not deserve to be upset and even be subjected to this behaviour,Protect your kids sanity OP by calling out ,apologising and dealing with gran,

She sounds like she's being very cruel and controlling, personally I'd tell her to stop with the gifts. If she gives the money before Christmas Eve don't take the money with you to have it taken away again.

Apart from that I'd go no contact, if she cares about her grandchildren she'd get over her controlling side.

This is just bizarre. Why is she in control of your children's bank account? She can no longer control your DH so she is going for your DC. You need to step in as their parent and protect them from this behaviour.

Well bet your DC don’t think too highly of her. She is controlling

Does she do all the "when we're gone, we'll see you right with money" thing? Is that how they keep you dangling even though your DH has walked away from them?