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Original poster

MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

347 replies

FluffyUnicornClouds · 05/11/2019 07:42

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

OP posts:
saraclara · 05/11/2019 08:13

So it's three years since they've actually had a gift from her.

You need to put it to her that way. If she doesn't consider topping up an amount that your daughter has saved hard and sold things to reach, (to spend on something practical) is acceptable, then nothing is going to meet her standards.

If this year's money comes in the form of cash, then don't allow it to be handed back. Arrange with your kids in advance that as soon as they open it they're to pass it straight to you

Original poster
FluffyUnicornClouds · 05/11/2019 08:14

Yes the money gets put in a Xmas card when we go there Xmas eve and she then takes it back. They may get a box of chocolates but the money is their gift.

They do both have bank accounts but they were set up and are again policed by MIL and are nothing to do with me.

When the kids get pocket money it goes in our safe as they usually save up for something they want. So it’s not like she’s handing the £50 to spend on sweets or whatever.

Yes PIL can afford it, absolutely no doubt about it they are far from hard up with money.

Yes she was very much like this with DH, basically he went NC due to her controlling and interfering the final straw was when she wouldn’t speak to us for 3 weeks as we decided to get a new to us family car and didn’t consult her first.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 05/11/2019 08:17

'They do both have bank accounts but they were set up and are again policed by MIL and are nothing to do with me.
'

Well set them up another one of your choice.

Blimey sounds like she runs the show

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Lentilbug · 05/11/2019 08:17

She mad OP. I just would not bother. She is using the money to control people.

Mumshappy · 05/11/2019 08:18

Can you afford to put the 100.00 towards yourselves? I would just do this and let dd pay off this contribution by doing chores etc. In my experience people who are controlling with money get some sort of kick out of the power in this type of situation. Just assume the money from her is a no go from now on. Dont ask dont let the dcs ask. Make it a family joke from now on that she actually buys them nothing as the money is never forthcoming. Shes not going to change.

Potnoodledoo · 05/11/2019 08:20

So do the kids ever get to spend any of their money.?

Onemorecrisp · 05/11/2019 08:21

I’m not actually sure it’s legal for a grandparent to run the bank account ????

Set up your own if you want them.

Why do you allow this. I would tell her clearly do not give money as gifts anymore you are better without it. Give your daughter the £100 for the laptop yourself.

Nishky · 05/11/2019 08:23

Well you set up bank accounts for them. No way would anyone treat my children like this. I would have told them to fuck off long before this.

This has made quite angry. What message are you giving youR kids about how it is ok to be treated.

Kinley · 05/11/2019 08:23

They do both have bank accounts but they were set up and are again policed by MIL and are nothing to do with me

Get your kids their own bank accounts and stop enabling this shitty behaviour. How have you let it go on this long!

AgnesGrundy · 05/11/2019 08:24

FluffyUnicornClouds set your children up with new bank accounts - your DD must be at least 12 and should have an account she controls herself. It doesn't matter that mil has an account for her, it's not as though people can't have multiple bank accounts.

Then talk to the children - your DD is right. Tell her so, and keep the children in the loop.

Tell MIL - ideally face to face in a public place (not your home as you're trapped and can't just leave) with the children present and prepared, that you can no longer accept your children being teased with gifts they are not allowed to keep. Say you'd like her to decide whether to stop giving them money, or actually give them the money to keep. One or the other. Tell her clearly and in so many words that dangling money in front of the children and then taking it away is cruel and much worse than giving them nothing.

Then stop talking and leave her a gap to rant and rave or be speechless. Then say your position hasn't changed and leave.

woodymiller · 05/11/2019 08:25

I'm sure I recently read on another thread that you need to take your lead from DH. He knows mil best and won't have gone NC without good reasons. Stop trying to facilitate a relationship between you, her & the DC. Write the money off. Explain to your DC that she's using it to make you try and dance to her tune, they sound old enough to understand (maybe DD could use it as a basis of a story). Can you afford to give DD the shortfall for the laptop? She sounds quite savvy (selling on eBay & saving) so I'm sure she'd understand that this might mean less presents under the tree.
Ds recently bought himself a laptop - we got a deal in Curry's by trading in an old one (asked friends and someone had a broken one they were happy to give him) & took interest free credit (which we paid off in a lump sum) DS got £200 off a £600 laptop so spent £400. A cheaper laptop would've had less discount and could've ended up costing more.

Brefugee · 05/11/2019 08:25

Ask one more time. If you all have the strength when she hands over the money this Christmas hang on to it for dear life - basically make her rip it out of their hands.
Then tell her to fuck off to the other side of fuck. And kick her out.

Theworldisfullofgs · 05/11/2019 08:25

Stop giving her presents. Tell her you'll give her the money instead and go shopping with her so you can approve what she buys.

Btw your dh needs to deal with this.

Kinley · 05/11/2019 08:26

I really think it's time you tell her to either hand it over or stick it up her bottom. You're teaching your kids how to be controlled.

MarthasGinYard · 05/11/2019 08:27

Also if your DH has lived this with her then he should intervene and not have his dc suffer aswell.

Theworldisfullofgs · 05/11/2019 08:27

Sorry missed a bit. Write the money off and go no contact.

Floralnomad · 05/11/2019 08:27

I fail to understand why if her own son is NC you are still subjecting you’re children to this womans behaviour so I would be following his lead and not bothering anymore . Your dc will never see this money because it doesn’t exist

OtraCosaMariposa · 05/11/2019 08:28

My granny was like this. We would ask for something specific, she'd decide whether it was worthy or not, and if she decided it wasn't, she'd buy something else.

When I was about 12 she offered to knit me a jumper of my choosing, I was delighted. Went for a strong geometric design in red, black and white. ( It was the 80s and fashionable, honest!) Granny decided black wasn't suitable for a girl so I got navy, pink and cream instead. Awful. Never wore it. Still smarting 30 odd years later.

CherryPavlova · 05/11/2019 08:28

Either she wants the pleasure of giving but can’t really afford it or she’s bonkers.
Either way you need to have an adult conversation and discuss it openly away from the children. If the behaviour continues, don’t allow the children to open cards from Grandma without you taking the money and saying you’ll look after it in the safe.

SpiderCharlotte · 05/11/2019 08:29

Set up their own bank accounts that she has nothing to do with for heavens sake! Any money they get from elsewhere (pocket money, gift money from other relatives etc can go in there).

She'll continue to do this a) while she still has control and b) while you let her continue. Please tell me you've had a conversation with her about this?

TowelNumber42 · 05/11/2019 08:29

Good lord. You are being such a wet blanket. She has not given them money as a present. She says she has but she hasn't. She attached shackles to your children as a present. You let her. Repeatedly. Stop it.

Laptop-gate is the final proof that the money is a lie. Sit the children down and explain that MIL lies about the money, they need to understand that she has no intention of ever giving it to them but enjoys them having to come cap in hand then being refused. This sort of behaviour is exactly why daddy does not talk to grandma any more.

Write the money off. Never ever ask her for a penny of it ever again. Don't let the children sit around thinking of how they can get grandma to not be a cowbag this time. There is no money waiting for them. That's what abusers live, everyone spending ages thinking about them and how to please them.

Same for the bank accounts. Write them off. Or, go into the bank with the birth certificates and get the control passed over to you (or find out at what age control can be taken by the child, usually 13 I think).

For gods sake stop giving an known abusive person the tools to mentally torture the children. There is no money. There never was money. It was an illusion to make them dance for her as she torments them. Shut it down.

Gatehouse77 · 05/11/2019 08:30

In this case I'd be inclined to take the kids and set up new bank accounts in their names that they have control over.

Secondly, whenever they receive a card from PIL I'd be close by and either telling them to pocket the money or taking it myself to 'look after' until they can put it in the bank.

OR, as pp said, write off that money and start building it up yourselves with any other income they get. Explain that you want to teach them to budget themselves and it's easier to do with direct access. Or something like that. Unless, of course, you want to stick it to MIL in which case I'd explain that she isn't putting their interests first and so you're taking back control.

autumn2203 · 05/11/2019 08:32

Your dh has got the measure of his parents, and now his mother is managing to also 'control' and manipulate your children.

This is really not good for your children, at all.

I would put a stop to the money straight away, and the christmas eve visit. Just text her and say the money arrangement isn't working out very well, she is welcome to buy them a present if she wants to, otherwise she can just send a card from now on if she wishes. It is time to stop this horrible dynamic.

You can always buy your dc an extra gift to make up for it, but there is no way I would be happy to continue with the current arrangement. Your MIL is modelling some very negative behaviour towards your children, this is far more sinister than it seems.

I feel for your dh actually, having sound the strength to stop her doing this to him and going nc, she is now allowed to continue her abuse unabated towards his children. An appalling position for him to be in.

PiedImperial · 05/11/2019 08:33

I don't understand how your MIL "takes the money back".

OK, the first time you might have been too surprised to do anything, but now if she physically gives it to your DC, in a card or whatever, why don't you just stand next to them and grab it as soon as its out of her hands?

Derbee · 05/11/2019 08:33

Sorry, but what the fuck are you doing letting your children’s bank accounts be set up and controlled by her? Close the accounts, or ignore them. And set up new ones. This should be obvious?!

As far as the money, just say or email/text what you’ve said here
Hi MIL, just wanted to discuss Christmas presents for the DC. It’s generous of you to offer money, what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it? A few months ago DD wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. You have kept back over £300 of DDs ‘gift’ money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money. To avoid continued disappointment for the DC, if the money comes with so many strings attached, DH and I would prefer it wasn’t offered