MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

[FluffyUnicornClouds]

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

I've seen some shocking mil behaviour on here but this takes the biscuit! put a stop to it sharpish.

I would refuse anymore gifts from her.

Why are you in contact with her if your husband isn't? That is very strange in my opinion. Assuming your husband has excellent reasons for being NC and from your post he's right.

Your MIL is not going to change how she behaves to DH because her behaviour is now being directed to your DC. Please do not say your children deserve a relationship with them - they really don't.

I'm pretty sure that your MIL knows a laptop isn't a 'games console'. And, even if it were, if you, as mum are giving your DD permission to buy one, that should be enough.

I think you need to meet with your MIL, TELL her (don't ask her) that you want your DD to have a laptop, that she's got the money in her account (that MIL is holding) and you'd like it now. If she refuses, then you know where you stand and can organise from there (telling her not to give the children anything in future, or to 'give' it through you might be good). Because refusing to hand over money for something that their OWN MOTHER approves isn't just denying the children, it's telling YOU that your opinion is worthless.

What would I do? Basically, I would stop allowing her to be so abusive and controlling.

I would take the envelope with the money straight away and put it in my handbag and tell her (as someone else has said) that you will no longer allow the children to accept gifts of money unless they are allowed to keep it.

Take back the control and refuse to play her nasty little game.

You need to either get tougher about taking the children’s money immediately for you to keep safe, or you stop engaging with this. It’s completely unfair on your children to be given something and then have it immediately snatched back.

I would tell your PIL that you need to find a way to give your children the money that was given to them, that they now need but has been taken from them, and as such you do not have money available to spend visiting them or buying presents.

I agree. What's the point? It's not a gift then

I think you need to meet with your MIL, TELL her (don't ask her) that you want your DD to have a laptop, that she's got the money in her account (that MIL is holding) and you'd like it now

Yes to this. If she refuses, then insist she stop giving them money as it's just causing frustration and upset.

I don't think that confronting her on this would do anything but play into her powerplay. Just explain to your children (second year of secondary school is old enough to understand) that their dad is not in touch with their grandmother due to her being controlling in nature. Explain that the money is a method to control, and that the best way is to ignore that behaviour. To expect no money at Christmas, to not get excited about any money given as they know it will be taken back. They are old enough to understand that it is not good to be controlling, and that you will not let it continue.

You can talk to them about how they feel about going non-contact. If they understand the controlling aspect of the person, they need to learn how to manage boundaries, and you can help with this, and start with the issue over the money. Don't let the money be used as a method of control.

For goodness sake go and open bank accounts for your kids that you and they have control over. From age 11 they can have their own current account with debit card. My kids have current accounts with Santander and savings accounts at Bank of Scotland.

Stop letting her have all the power and just give the money back as you dont want it with strings attached

Sounds like my Ex with our son.

He always says ‘oh yes do that or get that’ and then either doesn’t pay or takes forever.
I used to pay for it and now I never do.

Best just leave them to it. They will learn what she is like. You can offer a bank account but she won’t go for it will she.

Do it back op. Mil I have a voucher for you for Xmas. Let me know what you want and I will check out the item before I decide if it's suitable for you...

OP, you can try to negotiate with her all you want. It won't work. This woman drove her own son away with her controlling behaviour. She took the huff with both of you for daring to buy a car without seeking her approval first. And now she is engaged in a cruel game of cat and mouse with your children.

She is teaching them that love and generosity and approval is highly conditional and can be granted or withheld on a whim.

That is why your DH made the entirely rational decision to be NC with her. That's why it's time for you to follow his lead, support him and protect your children from this woman.

Stop taking your DC to see them on Christmas Eve. Stop taking them anywhere near her. Just stop, please. I say that as someone who lived this experience as a child and has spent every day since trying to repair the damage it caused me.

Fuck me in a relationship this would be coercive control and financial abuse. Don't let your desire for the money give her the control. Come down on her like a ton of bricks and if she won't adapt somewhat, tell her to fuck off and that she can't buy your kids' love like that. I'd be so angry.

Easy - when the card gets opened you say 'let me it that in my purse for safe keeping until we get home DC', and then it is safe in your possession where she can't get it.

Refuse all gifts of money in future. Inform MIL now that you will no longer be accepting gifts of money or gift vouchers for the children. If she asks tell her why (they don’t get to spend it). Don’t budge on this.

What WOULD Mil agree to giving the money for?
I would blatantly lie and take the money and when she goes batshit, explain, “oh I thought that’s what you do with the kids money...lie. “

Alternatively, tell them you want all the gifts back now. Failure to pay up is admitting they lied and stole from children, had no intention to give gifts and therefore no relationship moving forward.

Let her know that for the sake of a couple hundred quid she lost her grandchildren.

Awful people shouldn’t be in your lives.

Jst turn it round and tell them they shouldn't be offering money they can't afford to give.
Say you quite understand and that you have opened new accounts for your children if she wants to transfer their funds into it she is more than welcome. If she doesn't you will assume that the money has been spent by MiL and then don't bother with them ever again.
It is controlling and poisonous.

Let the children know as well why you have done it and that they don't deserve anyone treating them like this

No more gifts full stop.
Time to be tough, “we have decided not to exchange any gifts this year as the children find it distressing that they don’t actually get to spend any of their money.”

What would they like for Christmas? ” they would like the last three years of money that you are controlling thanks.”

She is a mean, controlling cow.

Tell her that she either lets the children spend their own money, trusting them and you to make sure it isn't squandered, or she needn't bother giving them anything at all.

In fact - just tell her not to bother. Say the kids are not prepared to jump through hoops to spend their own cash, and you aren't prepared to put them through the humiliation of being policed like this.

Don't invite her for Christmas. If she says anything, tell her why.

She's horrible. No wonder your husband is NC.

MIL isn't giving her DGC anything for Xmas or Bdays and hasn't for some time.

She's dangled money at them and run off with it.

OP, I would say something like 'While it is normal to give family presents for Xmas, you haven't given your DGC a Xmas present for XX years.

That's entirely your choice and we're fine with it, as is rest of family (make sure she knows you've told everyone. She won't like being exposed).

Could you not upset them by doing carrot-on-a-stick this year? They've been awfully hurt and confused.

DGC know Granny doesn't give presents. Let's keep it simple!'

i agree with all the posters suggesting you need to be more proactive, your mil cannot control bank accounts for the children if they are in their names, its illegal, so get passports or photo id, bring kids to the bank if you dont have account numbers just say it was opened by an elderly relaive who has lost details, and get them to have the address of account etc changed.
-agree next lot of money goes straight into your bag. If there is a next. and if your not there simply explain to your kids what is going on.

if she does ask what they want for xmas and she says she will give cash instead the minute she takles cash say we are going shopping next x to buy whatever it first was.

• make up phony reasons to divest her of any cash shes holding now.

I would tell her not to bother giving the children money as it comes with to many terms and conditions.

Your Dh is NC with this controlling bitch, yet you still allow her to control your kids? Why not go NC too? She's obviously not a good influence on the kids so they don't need a relationship with her. End it now and tell her to fuck off for good.