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Original poster

He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

371 replies

sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:25

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

OP posts:
Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:26

He wasn’t horrible as such but his face visibly fell and he just couldn’t say anything other than the truth said he’s had enough of how I am

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 02/11/2019 16:28

I wouldn’t say he was embarrassed but he sounds equally stressed about your anxiety and the impact it has on the family.
Are you getting help?

MarchingAnts · 02/11/2019 16:29

I wouldn't say embarrassed... but he probably just knows how awful it will be for you and doesn't want to put you through it. Also, yes it probably is a bit awkward for him, but not your fault. Do you mind me asking how you met him? Were you able to talk to him at the start?

ElspethFlashman · 02/11/2019 16:29

He just may not be able to enjoy himself if you are really struggling during the whole time. It does sound like it consumes the entire week, before and after. Perhaps it just not worth it for him.

Social events are meant to be fun, and it doesn't sound like this is going to be.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:30

Nothing helps. Had extensive help in the past and nothing helped so my only option is to avoid the situations that trigger it but just this once I wanted to try.
Is probably have ended up sitting in a corner and leaving after an hour but I wanted to at least try and he just looked horrified

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HelloDulling · 02/11/2019 16:30

He might be embarrassed. Or he might just find it really hard work having to look after you/worry about you/field questions about you during an evening that should be enjoyable.

Have you talked to a professional about this? There must be someone who can help you manage your anxiety.

ElspethFlashman · 02/11/2019 16:31

But would he have had to leave with you after an hour?

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:32

I’ve had counselling, psychotherapy and cbt. Since I was a teenager various things
I’ve come to terms with it’s just how I am. I avoid the triggers.
Maybe it was stupid of me to try but he kept saying it wasn’t something we could ‘get out of’ so I tried to make an effort.
I thought he would be pleased and he looked absolutely horrified then had to tell me

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Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:34

I had said to him because of the distance coupled with my anxiety we wouldnt be able to stay long but he has been telling me he just ‘needs to show his face’ that he would take the kids for an hour or so etc so I don’t think it was the timing as such more the fact I make it awkward when people talk to me
Yes he would be driving so would have to leave together

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Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:36

I’ve avoided things for so long I really just wanted to try. Not to have totally given up but now I feel like I don’t have that option anymore that he would rather just not try because it can be so awful

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Finfintytint · 02/11/2019 16:36

Look into EMDR. It’s costly if your GP won’t refer you but it really effective.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:38

In theory everything I worked through in any type of therapy I should have made some progress with
But, without fail each time I was in a social situation I couldn’t put anything into practice I can’t explain it other than to say it’s like my brainwaves are interrupted I can’t function I end up frozen to one place and can’t even navigate simple questions it’s like I can’t get the thoughts and responses turned into words
It’s awful it’s debilitating I had in mind that yes this would be stressful but I could sit for an hour somewhere and just try to get through as he said he needed to show his face

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P1nkHeartLovesCake · 02/11/2019 16:39

Thing is you must be able to see why going out with you wouldn’t be fun? Or would stop him actually enjoying time with his family due to worrying about how you’d be.

Surely your dc suffer to? Can’t imagine they get many family outings etc

Not going out much is not the answer. You need to find a way to tackle this, something out there will work in giving you a coping strategy you need to find it

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:42

Dc are fine they have good social lives and plenty of outings.
We plan things so dh takes them or if we go out somewhere it’s a place that I can just ‘be’ there not like a social thing where anyone else will want to talk to me for example if we all go to a museum it’s ok as dh can ask for things etc but at a family event it’s everyone talking so it’s different if that makes sense?

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Snipples · 02/11/2019 16:42

I know it must be tough OP but you've repeatedly said that your husband said he needs to show his face. You don't need to show yours. He's probably trying to do you a favour by going without you. If he's only going for an hour or so I can understand why he might prefer to just pop in rather than have the added concern of worrying about you. I'm sure he's not meaning to be harsh or upset you.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:44

But I wanted to try
I feel like I’ve just been written off by him that he should have let me try after he heard the effort id gone to arranging a sitter etc

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Dollymixture22 · 02/11/2019 16:45

I don’t think is is embarrassed by you. But like others Have said I think he probably finds these occasions stressful.

He may feel he has to try and explain why you can’t speak to people, or feel he is abandons you by talking to other people.

If people don’t understand they may think you are being rude. Hopefully he has explained your condition to his family.

If you hate going, and it is easier for him to go alone, why not sit this one out?

But have an open honest conversation with him about how your illness affects you, him and your children.

coffeecow · 02/11/2019 16:47

You keep saying you wanted to try but why this time? It seems to me like he just wants to go and not have to worry about it/be able to stay longer if he's having a nice time. This isn't his fault, don't make it about you. I can see how it may be hurtful to you but I'd not blame that on him.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:47

I wish he had just said from the start he was going alone. He does that a lot and that’s fine but this time he kept going through options taking 1 dc or 2 ..... that he had to go and what should we do
I thought he meant he wanted to all go or as a couple so I thought he would be pleased and now I just feel a total idiot

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Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:48

His family consider me shy at best or I get labelled ‘weird’ and they say they can’t work me out and that I look worried all the time

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Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:50

Usually he just says ‘I’m out on this day/evening. I’ll see you at whatever time’ there’s never usually a discussion but this time there was and I’ve got it wrong.
I honestly thought he was hinting that we all go or go the two of us.
I’d arranged a sitter, worked out what I could wear that I’d be comfortable in and thought I’ll have one drink so I don’t need the toilet (in case it’s a walk across the room for example as worry I’ll trip or I overthink walking then walk weird) and that I could find one place to sit and just get through an hour

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rottiemum88 · 02/11/2019 16:53

If he talked about taking one of the children or two, but made no mention of taking you, why did you think he'd be pleased at you "making the effort" to come? I'm not in any way blaming you OP for the issues you have, but it sounds like your "trying" to make an effort would have made the whole experience infinitely more stressful for your DH, so I understand him not wanting to take you. Showing his face for an hour, but having the flexibility to stay and enjoy himself if the mood suits is very different to going along and knowing he's on the clock until your anxiety takes over and he has to make excuses and leave. Let him enjoy the time with his family and stop looking for reasons to make him feel bad about it by making it about you.

Unshriven · 02/11/2019 16:55

Just stay at home.

Let your partner and children enjoy the event without making it all about you.

And don't guilt trip/manipulate them with your 'I just wanted to try' nonsense.

You are an adult, let them have fun with his family.

bbcessex · 02/11/2019 16:57

You are very brave, OP. You obviously are trying to overcome what sounds like a very debilitating situation.

It's hard for you all but It's really impressive that you're not giving up.

I'd try and break yourself in by going to less important outings when you feel ready. How is your husband when you're out together? Does he make things easy for you? Have you had therapy together to work out a strategy?

Don't give up... you will crack this.

Where do you live? I'd come and meet you!

hopeishere · 02/11/2019 16:57

My mum had social anxiety and it was so draining for everyone else. The whole event became about her and making sure she was ok. Graduations, weddings etc all revolved around would she make it and be ok.

I know you wanted to "try" but even that is more pressure.