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Original poster

He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

371 replies

sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:25

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

OP posts:
surlycurly · 04/11/2019 06:11

May I add that being diagnosed changed my life for the better, and nearly every relationship that I have for the better. I understand myself more now and for once feel happy about my future. Please get the support you need to live a better life.

AfterSchoolWorry · 04/11/2019 06:13

OP, this sounds like a lifelong condition. Maybe it's not social anxiety, maybe it's autism?

MaxNormal · 04/11/2019 06:33

@ExhaustedFlamingo i completely agree with you. I've been reading this thread with growing horror. No wonder mental health is stigmatised when the message from far too many posters has been along the lines of "you're weak and a burden, pull yourself together".

OP you sound like a total sweetheart, you've dealt with the unpleasant responses with very good grace.
I do agree that there sounds like something going on in terms of you possibly not being neurotypical, if you've always struggled like this.

Naughty1205 · 04/11/2019 06:57

Time to try medication again OP. This is no way to live.

madroid · 04/11/2019 07:18

I think there have been some harsh posts but OP did need a bit of a wake up call to the fact that her DH and children will be massively affected by her illness and therefore she would be selfish not to at least try to make herself improve to limit that impact.

It sounds like you have been much better in the past than you are currently OP and could be again. That's cause for hope.

I know mental health services are really inadequate but I think you need professional help to get to the best place you can be.

You deserve that and so does your family. So do as much as you can yourself and don't give up on getting help.

You can get much better and recover from this place you are in now. Refuse to give up.

FastLane46 · 04/11/2019 07:29

I'm gonna sound really harsh here but here goes:

Do you not think of the impact your anxiety has on your family? From your post it seems all me, me, me! I understand anxiety is horrid but sometimes doing things that seem scary might do you some good.

I don't think your partner is embarrassed, he was probably looking forward to spending some time with his family without stress or worries and he's now gotta think of you and how you'll be, where as it doesn't sound like you're thinking about how he's feeling at all, just how you're feeling.

To be brutally honest, if you really feel you can't go then let him go and enjoy himself, and not just for an hour

IDrinkAndISewThings · 04/11/2019 07:54

OP I just wanted to discourage you from being afraid of being dependent upon medication. Yes, in an ideal world none of us would need pharmaceuticals to survive. But just as a diabetic person needs insulin, and someone prone to strokes needs blood thinners, people who have their lives negatively affected by mental illness can need medication to live a healthy, happy and enjoyable life.
We need to stop thinking of mental illness as different from physical illness, just because it's an illness of the brain doesn't mean it's 'in your head'. You sound like daily life is a massive struggle. Medication will help. You might be on it for a few months, a few years, or forever. Who cares? If it means you can walk your kids to school and go out for dinner with your husband, it's worth it.

Ginfordinner · 04/11/2019 08:16

I agree with IDrinkAndISewThings. DH has had some horrific medical issues and needs a cocktail of drugs and medical equipment to keep him healthy. He is well now and leads a full and healthy life because of these drugs, so please listen to IDrink and others with the same advice.

Good luck Flowers

TheLittleDogLaughed · 04/11/2019 08:44

My daughter is on the autistic spectrum but sounds quite similar to you. We’ve found a few things that help. The main thing is to not feel as though you have to fit into everybody else’s world as though you’re somehow wrong. It’s more a case of finding how to make things work for you and people accommodating that. I really hope things work out. Xxx

heartsonacake · 04/11/2019 09:02

I think it will take a very long time

sociallyanxious It doesn’t need to. As I said, it took me around eight months to go from housebound for a decade to fully recovered and working, and that was with CBT on the NHS.

Aridane · 04/11/2019 09:04

Take the medication. You wouldn't hesitate if you needed medication for epilepsy or diabetes, so why this?

This!!!

Amber2019 · 04/11/2019 09:31

Havent read the whole thread but you sound just like my 15 year old who this year has just been diagnosed with asd and selective mute. I always said he was shy. Asd is how he is and cant be changed but he is attending speech and language for selective mutism. He cant speak to people but they are teaching him tools to communicate in a way he feels he can. It's a slow process, will he ever speak to strangers I doubt it but he van eventually speak to people after getting to know them after a long period. Parties etc will always be a no go though because he simply hates them

Lulu49 · 04/11/2019 10:23

Sounds to me like he wanted to go and enjoy himself, something he wouldn’t have been able to do had you been there and would have had to leave after an hour. He’s probably fed up with it to be honest. My ex had social anxiety and it was a pain in the arse quite frankly. How do your children cope in social situations? Do they get to go to parties etc, does their dad have to do all that sort of thing?

Lulu49 · 04/11/2019 10:27

Harsh, I don’t think so, your just saying what you think and I agree with you. Mental illness is horrible and is self obsessed but isn’t anyone’s fault. I would be worried about how it’s going to
Influence the kids as well. I know people with OCD and anxiety whose kids are the same and it’s such a shame

TheLittleDogLaughed · 04/11/2019 10:48

Lulu49 you're helpful. So if you had cancer, would you be happy for someone to talk to you the way you've just put things to the OP or would that attitude make you feel like shit?

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 04/11/2019 10:57

Maybe rather than saying it’s not affecting the dc I should say I’m doing all I can to make sure they have every opportunity to socialise and go out and have fun-my anxiety doesn’t curtail their lives at all.
True they may be doing most of these things with just Dh 9/10 but they are still doing them and when possible I do go too for example a museum or cinema (it’s prob once a year twice maximum but they still will have that memory that I did go out with them )

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/11/2019 11:06

But even you must acknowledge that once or twice a year is not normal. They will be all too aware that you do not attend school events, take them to their after school activities, go on day trips, holidays... You need to develop a strategy towards attending, even if briefly or with an escape route, to overcome this. Your dc are probably resigned to your absence by now. What would happen if friend was no longer able to help? Do her dc not get ill occasionally?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 04/11/2019 11:19

sociallyanxious I'm sure there are a million ways you are being a lovely mum to them and they will grow up with sensitivity towards people who struggle with things. Not everything in life is about surviving social situations, it's also about love and support.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 04/11/2019 11:20

LIZS what if the OP had a disability that meant it was difficult to get to school and other events? What if she had MS? Would you be saying the same thing? How does calling the OP 'not normal' in any way do anything other than fuel her feelings of inadequacy?

LIZS · 04/11/2019 11:25

That is true but I am trying to suggest the impact from her dc pov. She is minimising the effect it may be having in order to reassure herself she does not need to change.

winniestone37 · 04/11/2019 11:35

No he’s not embarrassed, he’s a human with his own problems to deal with and finds trying to manage your needs difficult and exhausting at times. I am both a Carer and a person who suffers from anxiety so I see both sides. I can see at times my anxiety makes my partners life v hard. Maybe extend some empathy to him and not try and turn into being about your pain and fear.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 04/11/2019 11:43

I do go to their Christmas concert that’s the only event they have
We go in at the last minute as I realised when that happens it’s so full they just let you stand at the edges (lots of other parents stand to film so it’s not making it obvious) or sometimes there are folded chairs so I don’t have to sit and talk to parents if I’m there too early and we go in watch it then leave quickly

OP posts:
Original poster
sociallyanxious · 04/11/2019 11:44

It means I can stand or sit in the very back corner and everyone is looking ahead as it’s literally starting so it’s ok

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/11/2019 11:46

If you were willing to ask for support you may find that school would reserve you seats at the end if row.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 04/11/2019 11:51

But I’m not sure for what reason I could say would they do that for anxiety?
Then other people would wonder why have reserved seats at the back

One mum every year WhatsApp’s me photos of my dc afterwards and says she saw me but thought I wouldn’t have managed to get photos or videos so she does it I have a feeling she knows somethings wrong. But she never asks she just does that quietly each year it’s stupid as sometimes I could get a photo but I’m frozen to the spot trying to watch and then I feel too detached if I’m filming or watching through a phone so I try to take it all in just being there

OP posts: