He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

[sociallyanxious]

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

If that man had to go into hospital tomorrow, you'd be screwed OP. Your friend can't take over all he does. You'd have to step up.

OP I think you need to take note of @heartsonacake advice. I’ve also suffered with SA and what they are saying is v true.

The steps in your grades exposure were too high, much too high. Thats why it didnt work, not because it won't ever work.

You need to start with the smallest smallest steps until they are manageable - these steps would be things like sitting in your own back garden alone, opening your own front door, walking to the end of the drive to put rubbish out etc- building up to speaking to a stranger in an unplanned way is right at the very top of the exposure ladder.

Consider private therapy, tell the therapist how utterly terrified you are, tell them you need tiny steps and try again.

I recommend having the radio on at mealtimes as a way to lessen anxiety around eating and food sounds (misaphonia).

Yes absolutely I do need help
The fact I feel upset he didn’t want me to come and I wanted to try makes me feel that I should try to get help again

Your husband is a bloody saint OP. You are very lucky you have him.

But what happens if you don't? What if he leaves you? What if he gets admitted to hospital for an illness?

You need to get yourself sorted asap.

@sociallyanxious
Well there we go! That's the first step. And you can do that in your own home! No added pressure of the outside world. Just you and your husband.

Speak to him about it. Start by putting a movie on and making something like nachos... or a sandwich. Anything. Then, you can both watch the movie and you eat your food. Even if it takes you the full 2 hours. You can chat, casually watch the show and eat infront of him. He will reassure you over all the worries about dropping food, and with a movie then he won't hear you chew. Do that for a while. Then try dinner together at a table.

This is one thing which you can do together right away, and you don't need to go out or manufacture a situation. Please try it. And try it more than once... keep doing it until it's like eating with the kids; natural.

What is the occasion?

So how did you meet your DH?

I was given Prozac aged 14-16 had no impact at all
Aged 22 citalopram again no effect

So what happened when you stopped taking citalopram? Did you go back to the Dr and ask for a different medicine? There are plenty of others you could try.

It reads as if you aren't currently taking any medicines for your anxiety. If your symptoms are as severe as you describe, you should be trying every drug your doctor is happy to prescribe.

You've said that counselling, psychotherapy, CBT and medication all have had no effect. Did you genuinely engage with your treatments and give them a chance to work?

To be honest, if I did all the school stuff, all the clubs, all the parties and 80% of the outings with a partner who would rarely leave the house with me (but only on their own terms) and wouldn’t even eat with me (because you might eat early with the kids but that means he always eats alone) then I would be thoroughly fed up with it too.

Have you ever been to the DC's school?

You must have been able to go to social events to meet your DH

But yes, I also agree with everyone else that you need to sort this because, if nothing else, if his appendix burst tomorrow or, God forbid, he got hit by a bus what are you going to do?

Do you do anything with your children outside the house?

You said upthread that your children are perfectly happy and socialised.
But they must be seriously affected by this.

It sounds like he has reached his limit. It's now make or break. And if this breaks how would you handle visitation with your children?

Shit, OP, you have it bad. Back to the doctors / mental health team - you and your family cannot continue like this.

I don’t see the effect on others in that moment as I’m literally trying to drag myself through it

I totally get how hard this must be in the moment, but was still pretty shocked that you've never thought in quieter moments just how stressful it all is for your DH ... your account of all he does for you makes him sound a star, but he has needs too

It's actually great that you hoped to break out a bit by going to this one event, though understandable that it won't work for him. So instead, how about promising to put the same effort into some more therapy to move forward?

I used to work with someone who had severe agoraphobia. He really surprised us when he said this.
What changed for him, was when he realised the fear of being like that ( in the house) potentially forever, became bigger than the fear of going out.

Yes I used to do all the drop offs and pick ups and would go to parents evening. I stopped when they told me they had noticed I never volunteered for anything and didn’t seem to interact with any other parents in the playground and that they had been observing that and wanted to know if we needed any support and I felt embarrassed. So I stopped going.

With the citalopram the gp did offer me diazepam for stressful situations and then propranolol but I decided not to because of side effects and they told me if I needed to I could self refer at any time for taking therapies

talking therapies

I really feel for you Op but you have been incredibly passive in letting this take over your life, to the extent it has. I’ve recently started suffering with really bad health anxiety and I only left it a couple of months before I saw the GP (when I realised how bad it was getting) and start counselling next week.

The reason? Because I was being a complete nightmare to live with, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. This affects my relationships with my DH and DC and quite frankly, it’s miserable living like this.

You HAVE to do something.

How did your friend become a friend, if you’re so SA? You realise how lucky you are to have somebody that will drop your kids off every day for you? But what happens if she goes on holiday or she’s not able to get your DC?

You seem to be existing, rather than living. That’s no way to carry on.

I think on this occasion you need to let your DH go alone. His mental health is as important as yours and it would be a miracle if all of this hasn't already affected his mental health. You need to start seeing him as a partner and not as a therapist. Keep going back to your GP and try everything to get this sorted out for yourself and your family.

Did you ever self refer?

The dc are ok and go to lots of things
I do manage to sometimes take them to the park a 5 min walk away from the house (if it’s holiday or half term etc)
I drag myself to 2 toddler groups a week and I mean drag and I sit at the side while ds plays and he loves it i deliberately chose a free play group so I don’t have to sing or interact all the children just play and the people at the children’s centre talk to them

Nobody ever talks to me. I think friendship groups are already made and i prefer it as ds gets to play and I don’t have to get stressed

There's no way they could not be unaffected by this.