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Original poster

He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

371 replies

sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:25

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

OP posts:
Rivergreen · 02/11/2019 17:09

Can you do some smaller events / meetups throughout the year and then by next year you might feel able to attend?

You mentioned upthread that you struggle to walk across a room with people in? Can you go somewhere very quiet, ie a cafe on weekday midmorning and get comfortable ordering yourself a coffee? And build up from there?

If social events result in two weeks of stress then yourDH will definitely be affected by that: all the time he has to comfort and support you. I'm sure he doesn't begrudge doing it, but it will be stressful for him too.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:10

If he’s out alone as usual he is free to stay however long he wishes that’s no problem
It’s when I’m there as when I’ve had enough I’ve had enough and I need to just go that’s when it is restrictive but we haven’t been out for years .. that’s why I thought I’d use this as a chance to try again but I misjudged what he meant clearly when he was weighing up options

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 02/11/2019 17:12

But the horror on his face of the prospect of emotionally propping me up and answering for me or deflecting attention was clear

sociallyanxious Good. I’m glad you’ve seen the horror, because he shouldn’t have to be emotionally propping you up or looking after you.

The emotional toll you are putting on him will be severely affecting his mental health as well, and with your children as bystanders them too.

What you are putting them through is so selfish and unfair. The onus is on you to put in the work to get better.

bbcessex · 02/11/2019 17:12

OP.. sorry to say this, but you're still focusing on your husband and 'why he has hurt you'.

He hasn't hurt you.. the situation is hurting you both.

Do you feel ready to switching your mind to 'how can I overcome this'?

Tooner · 02/11/2019 17:12

I can only presume that you are so wrapped up in your own anxiety you have never given a thought to how it affects your husband and children. This is very common. For the 'carer' it is very stressfull, emotionally draining and all consuming, just like for the person with the anxiety.

I think it would be a good idea for you to look into therapy again and perhaps medication if you aren't already taking something for it.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:13

I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t like this. I could t even go to school it’s been as far back as I can recall
One therapist said exposure therapy but how can I do that when I literally cease being able to communicate I will try to answer and realise that o cannot I jumble my thoughts to word a word let alone a sentence and I can’t talk or I try and it’s nonsense. I don’t know whats wrong with me I wondered when I was about 15 if I had a brain tumours as it felt so physical but I’m well physically it’s all in my mind clearly

OP posts:
Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:13

to *form a word not word a word

OP posts:
SpookilyBadOooooooh · 02/11/2019 17:14

Tell him what you have said here, then ask what he wants to do.

Did it feel good when you thought he wanted you to go or did it just feel like a burden?

I understand the difference between going to a social event and going out somewhere as a family. Maybe you could build up to an ‘event’ by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone when you’re out as a family rather than leaping into a full on family event?

I’m puzzled though. The children are obviously welcome or he wouldn’t have suggested taking them by himself & children are a lovely ‘shield’ Or ‘comfort blanket’ & generally their presence takes the focus of you...so why did you book a babysitter?

@Unshriven

Your post was unkind & uncalled for. I would hate to suffer from anxiety, for those who do it’s awful and it’s not a choice.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:15

I honestly didn’t realise the impact on him
I’m embarrassed of myself tbh. Someone could ask me how how are you?’ And I won’t be able to talk or I’ll say something nonsense by mistake

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 02/11/2019 17:16

One therapist said exposure therapy but how can I do that when I literally cease being able to communicate

That’s exactly why you haven’t got better, OP, because you haven’t been doing what your therapist is telling you to.

You need to follow their advice and you need to force yourself into those situations or you will never recover.

But you aren’t even trying.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:16

I felt happy I thought he wanted me to go I have taken it for granted for a long time he just goes I don’t but clearly I do want to change as I felt flattered enough to try to surprise him that I’d got a sitter and had mentally chosen what to wear etc and worked the whole thing out

OP posts:
bbcessex · 02/11/2019 17:17

It's possible to fix, OP.
There is no way in the world you and your family have to live like this.

  • have you tried medication?
Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:17

No I did try ! I would go places and when it got to talking I physically couldn’t or said nonsense I tried ! Then I would end up going red and sweating and crying I tried. It’s like the connection between my brain and speech is temporarily lost

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 02/11/2019 17:17

Out of interest, what kind of event was your wedding OP? How did you get through it?

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:18

I was given Prozac aged 14-16 had no impact at all
Aged 22 citalopram again no effect

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 02/11/2019 17:18

clearly I do want to change

Then you have to be prepared for forcing yourself into awkward and uncomfortable situations with guidance from a therapist.

You can’t sit back and expect them to do all the work. They can tell you what will work but you have to make the effort and do it.

blahblahblahblahhh · 02/11/2019 17:19

My neighbour suffers from social anxiety and it's so bad she refused to go to a hospital apt for something quite serious and then recently she couldn't take her elderly father to A&E who fell over! I mean not being able to take your own father to hospital - surely that's a wake up call. Social anxiety is awful but when it affects other people you really got to take some steps to overcome a bit of it.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:19

My wedding was meant to be in the April and we had to cancel and rebooked for the June that year when I managed to do it.
Registry office and minimal people and went home after 😔 I was actually proud I managed it but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 02/11/2019 17:20

No I did try ! I would go places and when it got to talking I physically couldn’t or said nonsense I tried !

You need to be taking baby steps, doing graded exposure. Not just jumping into massive situations, expecting great things, then it all falls apart and you can come away saying you’ve tried.

Mumofone1962 · 02/11/2019 17:21

It must be so hard for you OP but it is also hard for him.

I assume he cancelled as it's a family event and when you go it becomes about you rather than the family? It sounds like you would end up silent in a corner and he would either try to have fun and be labelled a bad husband for ignoring you panicking in a corner OR he would sit by your side, not enjoy himself and want to go home to stop you feeling unhappy.

I think it is admirable you want to try going out to events but his family event isn't the place to start? Let him enjoy the event and you can arrange a trip to a restaurant/ cinema where you can go out and test your anxiety without any pressure.

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 02/11/2019 17:21

Then talk to him. Tell him everything you’ve said here.

Find out what he would prefer to do about the event & if he would find it easier to go alone, then let him do that & change the babysitter to another night and go out together. Dinner? Movies?

blahblahblahblahhh · 02/11/2019 17:21

What happens if your DH isn't around and say for example the school rings and tells you that you need to go in cuz child has had accident or they need to speak to you about something? Would you not go?

bbcessex · 02/11/2019 17:21

It sounds really tough OP . So do lots of other phobias.

You have to be really, really ready to change and believe you can.

You're communicating very eloquently on here. Your mind DOES work.. something has caused a 'retreat' response at some point in what it sounds to be your teenage years.

Doesn't really matter what it was.. you're in a different place now, and with the right help, in a very short space of time this could be behind you.

LIZS · 02/11/2019 17:22

If you have been like this for years then it won't change overnight. Practice some basic replies and an open question back. Do you ever, for example, go to coffee shops, your dc school, even to supermarket checkouts where you need to exchange niceities? Do family and friends visit you?

EdWinchester · 02/11/2019 17:22

It must be horrendous for you, but also for your dh.

I would let him go without you and focus on getting help and making small steps.