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Original poster

He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

371 replies

sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:25

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

OP posts:
Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:22

I could manage a film
Dinner may be a bit much I can’t order food and often choke as am so anxious

OP posts:
bbcessex · 02/11/2019 17:23

How long did you take Citalopram, OP?

Tooner · 02/11/2019 17:23

I feel for you OP, I really do. Severe anxiety is so debilitating but it's time to have another go at fighting it. Make an appointment with your GP and try your best to tell them exactly what you have said on here. You should be enjoying your life, your husband and your kids.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:24

2 years same with Prozac. The dose of citalopram was increased but I never felt any different

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Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:24

I may as well be in my garden watching my own life through the window that’s how it feels

OP posts:
SpookilyBadOooooooh · 02/11/2019 17:26

Oh lovely, I just want to hug you, it sounds so miserable & lonely.

But this is FAR too big a leap, from nothing to Family Event.

How do the kids get to school/clubs/dentist etc?

DO you live in the SE of England by any chance? I’d happily meet up with you and you don’t need to talk. You can just smile & have a cup of tea, baby steps.

PlasticPatty · 02/11/2019 17:26

OP, he had planned to do this alone. For whatever reason, he wasn't including you.

You disrupted his plan by getting a sitter and wanting to join in.
He made you feel bad about that.

You are taking all the blame on yourself. You say 'I did this/that'.

Review the situation.

If he is undermining you all the time, it will be very difficult for you to move on, at least, for as long as you believe him.

Everyone is telling you 'He's so great, you are in the wrong'. This supports the negative beliefs you already have about yourself. So you are believing it.

Please stop.

You need a therapist to talk these things through. Forget the upcoming event, let that one go. But from now on, be aware. It is not just you. You are not 'at fault'. He is contributing to your difficulties. Get some help as soon as possible. CBT. Read 'Mind Over Mood' by Greenberger and Pedesky. Read it in the library. Don't tell other people you are looking into this because they will try to maintain the status quo, as he did over the sitter. Don't expect miraculous results, but you will be able to feel better about yourself, a tiny bit at a time. This isn't 'You must put the work in to get better!' This is 'Sweetie, you aren't doing anything bad. You need help you aren't getting. For yourself and no-one else, look into what's happening in your life.'

Good luck.

heartsonacake · 02/11/2019 17:27

I may as well be in my garden watching my own life through the window that’s how it feels

So stop being passive and start being active. What you need to do from here is go back to the doctor, ask for a CBT referral and this time do exactly what they recommend. Follow their advice to the letter and put the work in, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable.

It’s the only way.

bbcessex · 02/11/2019 17:28

Wow, @PlasticPatty - you've created a whole history there from just a couple of lines..

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:28

Dh drops the kids to school
A friend drops them home
Dh takes then to clubs or parties
Dh takes them to 80% of outings etc I go occasionally

OP posts:
PepePig · 02/11/2019 17:29

He isn't embarrassed but obviously would rather go and have fun and not have to worry about you the entire time. He's probably playing it down so you feel less guilty.

You need to stop being me-me-me about it. I understand it's tough (I had a period of extreme social anxiety before, I became a recluse for months), but it isn't just about you. Your partner and kids also deserve to go out without your anxiety being the main concern every time.

Keep trying to tackle things head on. But family events are not the time to "try". Going to the supermarket, however? Go for it.

Tistheseason17 · 02/11/2019 17:31

I don;t think he is undermining you at all, OP.
He sound supportive in trying not to put you in situations that clearly make you feel anxious.

Your anxiety was there before you met him and and had children so he is not the cause. I can imagine it would be exhausting for him having to support you.

I do agree with PP that you need to take small steps in the exposure therapy.

Make a plan with small but incremental steps over a period of time. This will give you a plan to stick to and ensure the goals are ones that you feel you can achieve or you will set yourself up to fail.

Get support with this - go back to therapist - it will take commitment from you. Imagine the things you will want to experience with your children when they are older to give you more motivation!

Your husband is not embarrassed by you and you should not feel embarrassed. It is just a difficult issue for you both and good to try and work together to resolve.

Good luck.

TSSDNCOP · 02/11/2019 17:32

I'm not entirely sure you're reading the same thread as the rest of us Patty.

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 02/11/2019 17:33

Your friend that drops the kids home - do you talk to her?

Let us help you to get some kind of a life..the way you’re existing isn’t much of a life 🌷

LIZS · 02/11/2019 17:36

Would your friend be able to support you? Do you take the dc out alone anywhere, such as park? Could you if she joined you. When did you last visit doctor, dentist, optician etc? Maybe you need to ask your dh to be tougher with you rather than allow you to exist in isolation.

Lulualla · 02/11/2019 17:36

What do you mean you can't go out for dinner? Your husband can order for you, you don't need to say a word. Then it's just you and him. Surely you can eat infront of him? Are you saying that he doesn't even get to go out for a meal with his wife?

It must be a very hard life for him, and you admit that you havnt even thought about the impact on him. But he's still with you. He married you. He loves you. He might not love this one thing about you, but it's not stopping him from loving you as a person. His face slipped this once, but don't let that ruin your opinion on your husband. You should be using this to evaluate the effect you have on the family, accept how hard it is for him and have a discussion about it. Ask him honestly how he feels about events then tell him honestly how you feel, for instance that you want to try.

Then agree to try going for dinner. A small baby step. Let him do the big events, but start having a regular weekly dinner out as a family. You want to try... so try.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:37

I talk to her a lot via text. That’s helpful. In person I can’t I have a real real issue and always have done with face to face conversations.
By text or email I’m absolutely fine. It’s actually liberating in a way as I feel I can actually have real conversations. The thing is I don’t remember a time I wasn’t like this.
Even on the phone is bearable as the other person can’t see me and I can of struggling pretend the phone line is bad to by myself time to ‘recover’ the conversation.
I even wonder do I need some kind of speech therapy ?

OP posts:
SpookilyBadOooooooh · 02/11/2019 17:37

I don’t disagree with @PlasticPatty. he’s not helping @sociallyanxious get better he’s living around her chronic social anxiety and somewhat making it worse by reinforcing her belief that she’s ‘unable’ to leave the house. It’s not helpful. He’s making her feel surplus to requirements & that’s not helping

I get that this has been hard for him, but he needs to change too. Obviously we don’t know how much or how he’s tried to help over the years, but right now he’s not making this any easier.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2019 17:37

The bottom line is that only you can change the course of your life, and you'd better start as soon as possible because I fear your marriage is in extreme jeopardy. Not only does your anxiety control your life, but husband and children are slaves to it, too. I feel your husband has reached breaking point, and I can imagine he feels very alone in your marriage. I hope you take action quickly.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:38

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t eat in front of him. With the kids I do as we have dinner when he’s still at work as works late.
I can’t eat in front of him as I worry if I eat loudly or get food on me he will be disgusted by me. He’s never given me a reason to think he would but it’s my worry

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 02/11/2019 17:38

I agree with posters who are saying you should commit to getting help again, OP. A phrase my therapist uses a lot is “check the facts”. If you’re worrying about stumbling over a food order, ok what’s the worst that happens? You trip over your words. If I was the waitress, I wouldn’t think twice of it. At the family event if you walk strangely towards the toilet... I doubt I would notice and if I did, wouldn’t be the focus of my attention (if it was, that’s a reflection on me not you). Think of the worst case scenario, and realise it is no worse than feeling trapped by your anxiety. Think of the worst case scenario and realise it is only one of a myriad of possible outcomes that are just as likely (eg you order your food without problems or with only a slight stutter, feel proud of yourself and enjoy the time with your husband, or you go to the toilet without incident at the family gathering and realise that next time you won’t be as nervous). Please get help OP, it does sound like this is really affecting you and your family and like you are at a stage where you are ready to get stronger. Good luck.

Nicknacky · 02/11/2019 17:38

spookily And what do you suggest he does? He sounds incredibly supportive.

SleepWarrior · 02/11/2019 17:39

How about writing down all the types of social activities that you avoid (shops, school drops offs, dentist) etc, then cut the up and put them in order of scariness.

Then choose one of the lowest ones and plan a way to do it (e.g. smiling at someone in a shop, waving at the postman from your window).

People sound quite harsh with some of the replies, but they are at the same time true. Change can only come from you and it will be dreadfully hard work. But I wonder if you've started with things that were too hard, like trying to teach a kid to spell without learning the alphabet - it's just too hard and they won't be able to do it. Go back to the very very beginning.

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 02/11/2019 17:39

How about inviting her to come in and have a cup of tea & a text conversation in the same room. She’s your friend, she obviously realises how SA you are and wants to help you. You could then just speak if/when you feel you can with no pressure.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:39

He said he’s tired of it now he wasn’t unkind but he just looked totally fed up of it all

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