He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

[sociallyanxious]

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

I don't really get the "I wanted to try" angle as you've said several times that nothing helps and your evenings always end up the same way. I think you're being unfair to your DH here. Just leave him to it.

I suspect he thinks you are overreaching yourself, perhaps setting yourself up to fail and this would affect your dc and how others perceive you. You may think all is well with dc if you avoid such situations but you will be passing your anxiety on. If you want to face it perhaps start smaller

Every other time for years now he’s just gone himself it hasn’t been up for discussion and it’s worked fine. If he takes the dc he just announces it
This time there was so much more what shall WE do I honestly thought he meant I should try to come.

I know it can’t be easy to be out with me I know that but he does have plenty of opportunities going out without me and I really think I misinterpreted what he meant this time ? But it gave me some hope he did want me to try again and that’s why I arranged what I did

I think he's not embarrassed but he's planned it in his head what is likely to happen if he goes to this event, mentally visualising what he'll do when there, and accepted it.
Now he's scared as loads of new scenarios of what may happen there and he's not relaxed about it.

Speak to him about it again, explain your motives and reasons.

It seems like this is a special occasion and your Husband wants to have a nice time with his family. You both know if you go it will be short visit and he won't be able to relax because he will be worried about how you're coping.

Living with your severe anxiety must be very difficult for you but it will also be very difficult for him too. From what you say your husband seems to be a lovely man who does everything necessary so you feel safe and comfortable when you are out.

I would be inclined to tell him to just take the kids. I think it would be better to choose a different time to try to cope with your anxiety, smaller steps where you will not be confronted with lots of people all at once.

Yes absolutely it would be horrendous for me but there was that little bit of hope that he still wanted me to go and it made me think maybe I could do it
I was wrong

You misunderstood, his options were taking both or leaving one behind with you.

And tbh making the effort to get a sitter is nothing if you get there and can't even go to the toilet! You make it sound like you'd be going to the gulags. And why? To whose benefit?

I'm perplexed as how you think it would be a positive thing to have you there - do you think you being a silent anxiety ridden statue in the corner would make it a better experience?

He can take the kids it’s fine I just feel an absolute twat it was seeing the look on his face he may as well have said ‘oh shit I can’t face going with you’

I think as it’s been so long I had some stupid idea maybe I could try again and maybe it would be different and I just wanted to be a couple and go out together

Did you not realise all this time how stressful it has been for him? It sounds like this is the first time he's accidentally let the mask slip and you're shocked by it.

Honestly if someone could wave a magic wand and said I’d be ok I’d be so happy
He’s taken all pressure off me that I never have to do anything I’m not comfortable with but I so desperately would prefer not to have social anxiety

You can go out as a couple. That might be a better way to start. Reassure him that you are trying to overcome your anxiety.

No I didn’t realise and Iam shocked

You didn't realise this is stressful for the others person involved? Really??

From what he said OP, it sounds like you need to put a lot more effort into sorting this.

It doesn't sound easy for any of you but why should your DH and DC also be held hostage by your anxiety?

For the sake of your marriage, I'd get to your GP and ask for some help whether that be therapy or medication.

It's upsetting I'm sure, OP, but now is the time to be rational and make a big decision to get the problem sorted.

It's must feel like a blow (but unintended and understandable). You've now got to take responsibility for your own happiness and balance and get this sorted for yourself.

Do you have friends / family / workmates you can build up your confidence with?

Perhaps start with just a meal out the two of you and build up from there? It sounds like he knows that if you go, his night will be cut short and will be about looking after you rather than enjoying it for himself? I'm sure it's not that he doesn't want you as a person there - the you that he probably gets every day around the house - but more that he doesn't want to spend the night "babysitting" the crippling anxiety that social situations bring out in you. It's hard being with someone with social anxiety. I hope you manage to get there with baby steps, one day, but sounds like tonight is not the right time.

Your husband sounds like he is very understanding and supportive but I think you're directing your anger at him, when it should be directed at the anxiety.

Baby steps. Book a sitter and go out with just him for an evening and build it up. Family gatherings can be stressful for many.

I know you have tried a lot of avenues to overcome this, but have you tried any medication? DD was prescribed Fluoxetine for her anxiety, and it was so successful that she is no longer taking it.

I really feel for you, and know just how debilitating anxiety is. How did you manage to meet your DH?

It must be very hard for him too. He must constantly have to worry about how he acts and how long he stays at a place.

I think your DH has probably been an absolute star - if he's sorted all the social situations out including the kids social arrangements so you were protected. I think that's one patient husband you got there. I know social anxiety is awful, truly awful but it does sound as tho hubby has been holding it together and actually it's probably been causing him an awful amount of stress all these years. He probably doesn't want to go to the event and worry about you shaking alone in a corner somewhere / needing to leave at a certain point etc. He probably feels he can't enjoy it because you would be stressed. That's a guy who loves you though because most wouldn't give a shit if you felt uncomfortable they'd just expect you to get on with it.
DH has let the mask drop for a second and you've seen that now. Surely you can't really be shocked after all the years of him taking care of everything.

OP I’m sorry but it’s quite stressful even reading this so I can’t imagine how incredibly stressful it is for your DH. You are relying on him for an incredible amount of support - the kids don’t go anywhere unless he takes them, if you do go somewhere you consider safe then he ha to do everything - it’s not your fault but how can you not see that this would be upsetting and stressful for your DH to constantly shoulder the burden? Your post is entirely about how you feel, nothing to do with how your DH might feel.

It sounds bloody awful for everyone tbh. I don't think you can just accept this is how life has to be, particularly when it doesn't just affect you. Your kids are going to pick up on it, if they haven't already, and that's not good. Maybe now is the time to get back on the case of getting it sorted, or at least vastly improved, as it's clearly impacting on all your lives.

No not at all I think that my social anxiety has made me very very self centred I’m not a selfish person at all in any other way and can be kind and living but when it comes to my social anxiety I go into shutdown mode and I’m concentrating only on myself
I don’t see the effect on others in that moment as I’m literally trying to drag myself through it so I have never seen before
But the horror on his face of the prospect of emotionally propping me up and answering for me or deflecting attention was clear

I’ve been where you are, for almost a decade I couldn’t leave the house due to my social anxiety.

I had intensive CBT on the NHS and fully recovered within months.

Whilst I understand exactly how you feel, being with someone with such severe social anxiety is stressful and draining, especially when they aren’t making any moves to get better.

Trying something once and then not doing it again, or going round saying “I've tried everything nothing works” is a lazy way out.

To recover you have to push yourself. You have to do exactly what your therapist tells you to do; you have to get out of your comfort zone and try. You will not get better by going to a therapist and expecting them to do all the work and cure you.

It has to come entirely from you, and I know it is hard work, but it is selfish and cruel to have your family live with your condition while not continuously trying to get better.

Saying this “is just the way you are” is you having given up and expecting people to put up with your condition. This isn’t the way you are and you don’t need to live like this, but to recover you have to put the work in.