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Original poster

He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

371 replies

sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:25

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

OP posts:
blahblahblahblahhh · 02/11/2019 17:58

I agree with@PotteringAlong not sure what relationship you actually have. Presumably you have no anxiety having sex with his as you have kids, so surely you can eat together?
I am assuming you don't work?

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:58

She is an amazing friend but we really only talk via text and a lot of the time I pretend things are better than they are
I think she knows the truth though

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/11/2019 17:59

If you have done school drop off/pick up before could you try one again. Perhaps with dh or friend to start with. Put headphones in if it helps. Likewise if you take dc to playground. You don't have to volunteer or interact but your isolation and anxiety must have been very obvious to be offered support. What stopped you agreeing to it? How old are dc now?

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 17:59

I can’t even go into the sex issues. But there are problems there too.

OP posts:
Lulualla · 02/11/2019 18:00

@sociallyanxious

It's time to stop answering all the questions about what you do/don't do. You know all that.

It's time to start making a plan. What do you think about trying the eating with your husband thing? Or would there be a different small step you could start with?

If you're anywhere near London, there is a place called Dans le Noir where you eat your meal in pitch black. It's all about enjoying the food with one sense blinded. But it means no one can see you. At all. And you can't see them. Would that be something that might be of interest to try as an ice breaker?

LIZS · 02/11/2019 18:00

Does cc run any self confidence or assertiveness classes?

HelloDulling · 02/11/2019 18:01

Have your children ever had a friend home for tea? Or gone to friends’ after school?

coffeecow · 02/11/2019 18:01

How did you meet your husband and get to the point of having children? You must have had midwife appointments etc? It sounds like your anxiety has gotten worse over time?

I agree with a PP that trying a school run again is a really great idea.

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 18:01

I think it was how they phrased it, the fact I felt like I’d been being watched and was embarrassed. I was defensive and felt judged.
I’m going to see if I can self refer now online I’m sure I can if the system is the same as it was when they told me about it

OP posts:
Huggybear16 · 02/11/2019 18:01

With the citalopram the gp did offer me diazepam for stressful situations and then propranolol but I decided not to because of side effects

Side effects are likely to be short lived and usually occur in the first few weeks of treatment. Everyone responds differently. Just because a medicine has a long list of possible side effects, it doesn't mean you will experience them. However, even the worst of side-effects can't be as bad as living with anxiety of this severity, can it?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/11/2019 18:01

He said he’s tired of it now he wasn’t unkind but he just looked totally fed up of it all

And this is why it's such a good thing that you're starting to realise you need help again - hopefully before it's too late for you both

The big events can wait, but baby steps and lots of professional support can get you going if you trust them to do it

blahblahblahblahhh · 02/11/2019 18:01

I don't mean to sound harsh but once your kids are a bit older and more independent your DH probably won't be sticking around.
He earns the money, does all the school runs, does all the kids activities, you won't eat with him and there are issues with sex.
If this were the other way round, would you stay with him?

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 18:02

Yes I’m in London

OP posts:
notbloodylikely · 02/11/2019 18:02

DH has horrendous anxiety and other MH problems and the social anxiety is a huge part of it. It's hard on everyone.

Years of us planning to go to events together and then me going on my own because he can't face it now means that I never assume he'll come unless he expressly says he will. Even that isn't a guarantee that on the day, he'll be with me.

Weddings, parties, meals out - I've done many of these things without him, sometimes with the kids depending on the occasion, so they definitely are aware of the problem. The worst part is the fact that despite all signs pointing to him backing out, I can't help be excited that this time he'll be with me. And then he backs out. And then I feel horrible. So that's both of us feeling horrible.

And also hard to deal with are other people's faces when they see he's not with me, a combination of sympathy, pity and 'why the hell do you put up with this/we're really sorry he couldn't come'.

So maybe he just doesn't want to get his hopes up and be disappointed? I'm sure he'd love you to be there if he thought you were going to even slightly enjoy it, but he knows that you won't.

I know his MH problems impact his life enormously, it's just that in this situation, it really isn't just his issue, it affects lots of people.

MeggyMeg · 02/11/2019 18:04

You owe it to your family and yourself to get this sorted. Your DH deserves a medal , but he's enabling you. Start with small achievable goals like collecting your children from school.

Mydogmylife · 02/11/2019 18:05

Op, you keep saying your dc's are fine, but be honest they must be picking up on this.
I'm not surprised your DH was shocked that you made noises that you wanted to go to this event when you can't even eat with him in your own home - far too much for a first effort.
I'm with other posters, you seem to have given up pushing yourself to get through this, you must try the steps recommended at therapy, take the medication prescribed . Your DH seems to have been trying his best to help you - it's your turn to do the best you can to help yourself! I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe this has given you the wee bit extra push to get yourself better - good luck !

IdiotInDisguise · 02/11/2019 18:05

OP, I’m with @heartsonacake 100%, someway you are trying to attach to him a bad behaviour: ”he is embarrassed of me* while in fact he could only be disheartened that he is not going to enjoy the occasion because he will have to be dealing with your anxiety and cut the night short to accommodate your needs.

There is so much a partner can put themselves second to accommodate a problem of someone who is not working to sort her own problem. The impact your anxiety is having in your own family is huge. I can assure you that if he has a bit of a spine one day he is going to say enough and walk off to try to have a normal life.

You need to try harder, you cannot choose to become a hermit and then expect to have the social skills to survive a night out from one day to another one, and if he has dealing with this for years, it is not either fair for you to expect him just to bear the brunt of it regardless of you not really putting the effort to feel better.

Lulualla · 02/11/2019 18:07

So I'm noticing that you're completely ignoring/avoiding any suggestions of where you could start. You of course don't owe anyone here a discussion on that, but is this something you do? Do you avoid talking about taking steps and starting to try things? Perhaps that's something to think about... are you actually willing to discuss and come up with some activities with your husband which you could start doing?

Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 18:07

I think school runs will be too much. I think I need something smaller some days it’s too much to even go and get a pint of milk if I need one I think I really need to break it in the tiniest tasks ever as writing this down is making me realise how bad things are. I need to plan something where if I have to abandon it I can as I can’t do that if kids needs collecting then it gets overwhelming I think I need to do that and self refer

Dh can go to the family occasion himself or choose to take dcs it up to him I don’t think that is the real issue I think it’s everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 18:08

Sorry I wasn’t ignoring I said I am going to do the online self referral

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 02/11/2019 18:09

I think you have been very passive in letting this social anxiety dominate your familys' life so much and if you do not get some help you will end up very isolated. Undoubtedly you are hard work if you do go out and your husband probably did not want you to come because of the stress of making sure you are ok and having to leave as soon as you feel it is getting too much for you. Not being able to eat in front of him and having difficulty speaking to others sounds very debilitating so I would urge you to get some therapy and an appointment with your GP so they can refer you for counselling.

Obviously this has been going on for a while and you would be best trying to do small things like take your children to school and smile at someone so they can start to engage with you. What about your family? Do you see them?

blahblahblahblahhh · 02/11/2019 18:10

I disagree I think you need to do something small but that you can't abandon because if you only try things you can abandon you won't do them and then you'll feel shit about yourself. You gotta face it head on I'm afraid. How on earth did you give birth without talking to anyone, and with all the gunge and gore of child birth but eating dinner is a no no!

TatianaLarina · 02/11/2019 18:11

No I did try ! I would go places and when it got to talking I physically couldn’t or said nonsense I tried ! Then I would end up going red and sweating and crying I tried. It’s like the connection between my brain and speech is temporarily lost

But that’s ok, it’s ok to feel like that. It’s just fear. If you keep doing it - the first 5 times you talk nonsense, blush, sweat etc, but the 6th time you don’t blush or sweat quite so much - and that’s progress.

TatianaLarina · 02/11/2019 18:13

The problem with this kind of anxiety is that the more you avoid and the more you cut things out, the more it grows. So the avoidant tactics are actually making it worse in the long run.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2019 18:14

I think school runs will be too much. I think I need something smaller some days it’s too much to even go and get a pint of milk if I need one I think I really need to break it in the tiniest tasks ever as writing this down is making me realise how bad things are.

Only taking teeny tiny baby steps and refusing to try is exactly why you are in this untenable position. It's well past time to make big steps and to stop being afraid of being afraid.