He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

[sociallyanxious]

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

sociallyanxious that shows that you are making an effort and you're doing things in the best way you can right now. That's very sweet of the mum who sends you photos and for what it's worth, I think being there and taking it in is way more important than recording it.

Sending you a big hug OP. I knew a little boy with selective mutism. That’s tough. The anxiety may have developed because of that. But this is a disease that will take over everything and ruin your life even more if you don’t fight it with all the tools you can find. Medicine is an a valuable tool! You GP offered Valium. Take it! It’s hard to get because it’s addictive but do try it before an event and see. Try everything!

I’m about an hour from London by train. I can come visit you sometime. You can use a pad of paper to talk to me. We can work up to going out in the garden and eventually for coffee. Maybe you could get some little notepads printed that say at the top: Sorry I have problems speaking but I can write. Then give notes to order coffee or say goodbye. Just an idea from yet another armchair shrink.

Big hugs and don’t give up. You are a warrior but this disease has made too many gains. Time to regroup and use all the resources you can. Not using medicine puts you at a huge disadvantage. You must try everything!

I don't think he is embarrassed of you but the way your anxiety presents itself must be difficult on all around you. I would imagine that it would be difficult for his family to enjoy themselves if you are sitting in a corner filled with anxiety. Maybe it is just easier and less stressful for him to go alone?

The show example is exactly what my mum was like. The fuss / stressing she made about coming to our graduations was painful. I get it was an issue for her but it made the whole event about her and her managing it and was she going to be ok and would she even be there to see us get our certs. It just detracted from what was supposed to be a fun day. I know your children are younger but don't let it get to the point where it affects their relationship with you.

hopeishere it doesn't have to be like that though. My father had huge anxiety issues and I realise now that I have a daughter on the spectrum that he probably was too but it just wasn't talked about then. He held down a job in an archive, working mainly alone which suited him, provided for us and was there at home for us. But he NEVER went to anything social at all and didn't eat with us when we had guests over. We just learned to work around him, neither me nor my brother felt bitterness towards him. He was a good, kind man and that was much more important.

A couple of posters have compared the OP's condition to a chronic physical illness and how people would react differently if she suffered from MS, for example.

That got me thinking about two couples I know where one of the pair has a chronic illness - ALS and MS respectively. Their partners have become their main carers (as well as looking after DC) and everyone accepts that the carer needs respite at times in order to recharge their batteries.

I think that's what's happened here. Her DH has assumed a caring role for the OP and while it's not as extreme as being physically dependent on someone, he still needs a break sometimes to recharge.

Do you think that's what's happened, OP? It's definitely not that he's embarrassed by you, he clearly loves you to bits or he wouldn't make such an effort on a daily basis. But he needs to relax and not worry about you sometimes.

This is NOT a criticism of you. I'm sure he wants you to be there,just not anxious and not enjoying yourself.

I think you've got two separate things going on here.

1. DHs reaction to your attendance at the family party. I don't think he's embarrassed of you. I get the feeling her wanted to enjoy time with his family without having to worry about how you are coping. I don't see anything wrong with that. He clearly cares for you and married you knowing about your anxiety.

1. I really think you should try medication. If you had any other illness you would take medicine, so why not this one? You certainly sound like you want to get better so please give yourself the best chance possible.

I'm another one that lives close to London and could meet you in a coffee shop sometime - no need to talk and absolutely no pressure.

Hi SociallyAnxious
Firstly – well done and a huge pat on the back to yourself for actually talking about this in the open. You’re one step ahead of many people in a similar situation and with similar issues to yourself

Secondly – it’s almost certain that, wait for it, THIS CAN AND WILL IMPROVE if the right measures are in place. That is a FACT.

Next – and this may be one of the huge hurdles that are impeding you from being able to deal with some, if not all, of what’s happening to you. There are a very different issues going on and part of the problem may be that you lump them all together. This could have lots of implications (all negative, unfortunately). You’re trying to envisage a ‘fix all’ when actually, the issues that you seem to have are all quite different and separate, even if for you, the end result is the ‘debilitating dread’. The road to ‘normal’ for me started with identifying the various (long) list of problems, treating them as separate issues to address, dealing with one thing at a time – with sometimes very different ‘solutions’ – medication/therapy/research/self help

I have a very similar story to yours:
Started at a very young age
Always seemed like my ‘normal’ setting ie terrified/anxious/paranoid was normal
Completely agoraphobic/claustrophobic
OCD – of the control, rather then the more talked about tidiness and cleanliness (I wish – I didn’t even have that advantage!)
Social Anxiety Disorder
Affected most areas of my life
Saw it as one problem, when in fact I had multiple quite different issues
Worried about taking medication
Took medication that didn’t work
Did various therapy – talking, psychotherapist, counselling, self help groups, online – you name it, I tried it
Resigned myself to the fact that ‘this is who I am/this is the way I am/I’ve always been like this/nothing works etc
Real impact on family/friend relationships, working life, social life, life in general
And if it makes you feel slightly better – I had immediate physical reactions too… think both ends. Uncontrollable. Sudden. You know how we say ‘I was shitting myself’…? I know why we say that – because some very unfortunate people (yep, me amongst them) actually do. And projectile vomiting too.

And guess what – with determination, concentration, discipline, medication, therapy, life style changes, practice – I am probably now as NORMAL FUNCTIONING as 95% of the rest of society. It’s taken a long time. If I’m being honest – it’s probably taken 8 years to get to this ‘normal’ point BUT… to get to a point where I could at least go out socially/interact with people and ‘pretend’ all was OK probably only took about 18 months to 2 years. The following 6 years were me demanding the maximum of myself and not being happy with simply reaching a point where I could do things – I wanted to do things AND ENJOY THEM AND NOT OBSESS ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. Basically, once I started the road to recovery, I wanted to go all the way. Not everyone wants that. You may not want that. And that’s OK.

It’s too much to go into on a public forum as I’m not comfortable sharing private details but I am more than happy to share everything with you, via Mumsnet or email or phone or some other means. I’m regularly in London and would be more than happy to meet - or not, come for a cuppa - or not. Whatever you can handle. I hardly recognise my ‘before’ self. In fact, it seems so far away and unrelated to who I am today, that most of the time, I completely forget that I used to be like that. Until I read something like this and I remember how truly hopeless and awful it all seemed. Overwhelming.

I really, really, really, really want to help you and share my story and experience. There is no need for anyone to be living this hell – and that is what it is – a Living Hell. And you can make it better.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do get in touch – no pressure and please don’t feel bad if you can’t. I totally – and I mean totally – get it.

I wish you the very best of luck.

PS - forget to actually answer your question...

No - I don't think he is embarrassed of you. I think that he's probably extremely worried about the effect on you, him and the DC if you were to attend the event.

We can't help showing our reactions. He didn't mean to upset you. And even though we convince ourselves that our DP/DC/family/friends/work colleagues aren't overly affected as we put things in place to make things seem normal and manageable - the blunt truth is - this is not the case. Mental Health issues like this affect everyone around us - and that is just a fact. No shame in it. No blame in it. Nothing you can do about it most of the time BUT - be clear on the reality. It impacts everyone around us.

SociallyAnxious - I've messaged you x

I can't stand it - some of the disgusting replies. I have had social anxiety for 43 years. What has helped the most is medication and self help. I still have it, but far less than I did previously. I read a lot on social anxiety, and have done therapy courses online, and due to do one through the NHS, which a person has to self refer to.There are some good social anxiety forums too. What annoys me so much is some people on here saying that you should be thinking of your husband and children. Would they be saying that if you were suffering physically? No! You should not ever feel guilty about having social anxiety or any other mental health issue. You did not choose to have social anxiety. Your children will not suffer and neither will your husband. They love you as you are and you love them. As long as your children are loved and cared for, that is what is important. Have you spoken to your children about how you feel? I told my son when he got to a certain age. You said that you do got out with your family at times, so that is a good thing. Maybe your husband looked shocked when you told him you were going to this function, because he was surprised that you were saying that you were going. Also, he may be a little concerned that you will be very anxious at it. Have you spoken further to him about this? Do not let any stupid person on here make you feel guilty for being as you are or try and diagnose you with some other condition. Some people just do not know or care? what potentially damaging comments they are making. You sound like a lovely person. If you want to message me then please do. When I was at my worst with social anxiety, even opening an email up used to make me panic, so I wont message you, but if you feel up to it, then please message me. Stay strong, and keep hope!

Op you keep saying this is just who you are. It really is not - this is the prison you have created for yourself by believing the fear and thoughts that plague you. You are so much more than this. I say this as someone who has also suffered from debilitating anxiety.

Get help. Your world will continue to contract if you don't.

As a starting point I recommend you either read or listen to the audio book of Michael Singer - the untethered soul. You can download and do this from the comfort of your home.

Try not to think to far forward. Set a goal of seeing a professional and don't think past that. This is something you need help with. Forget about past attempts.

A whole joyous world is waiting for you, it really is. Good luck.

The thing is, I disagree that the OP is not being afforded the same sympathy as if she was long term, chronically physically ill.

There are situations where the carers needs come first. That does not take away from the ill persons needs.

I feel sorry for you both but it sounds like you and your problem dominates family life. Get help and if the previous help wasn't effective then get better help. It's no life for your family either.

You say you have had this from age 2/3? What was the situation with your parents? Were you under the CAHMS team? Could some of this now be learned behaviour?

I’m sorry I haven’t read through the whole thread I’m on my lunch break and don’t have a lot of time.

Is it possible that you have an auditory processing disorder which has triggered the social anxiety?

So when you were young you struggled to have conversations etc because there was a delay in you understanding what was said to you.
This led you to feel panic and anxiety and to be even less likely to be able to understand what was being said to you.

Maybe it’s worth getting some professional help exploring the possibility of a diagnosis of an auditory processing disorder. Write to your GP see if he will refer you.

Your DH sounds like a really great husband. I’m sure it’s difficult for him too.

Don’t blame yourself. I’m sure there will be a solution if you get the correct help. Just remember it’s not your fault.

Best wishes

OP I am also near London so another offer of a visit if you ever feel up to it and don’t mind a monster toddler. No need to talk or anything but no pressure.

I hope you find medication to help. You are in my thoughts a lot as you just deserve so much more out of life than this.

It's v hard living with somebody with chronic anxiety though, he probably just wanted life to be easier for everyone all round.

I was worried about being dependent on medication

I'm mid 30s. I've been taking medication for anxiety since I was a teenager. I tried to stop taking them when I was around 20 years old as I was also worried about becoming dependent on them. That was a mistake. My doctor agreed it was the wrong decision and helped me get back on track.

I've made peace with the fact that I'll likely need to take sertraline for life. I also take the maximum dose, but it's what I need to maintain any kind of quality of life.

I'm dependent on sertraline for anxiety in the same way that I'm dependent on inhalers for my asthma and levothyroxine for my underactive thyroid. I have to take medication every day, but I have a much better quality of life. It takes literally seconds out of my day and the other 23.99 hours of the day are far more enjoyable. Who cares if I still need them when I'm 90? It's nobody else's business.

I also think it's preferable to be dependent on medication than to live with this level of anxiety and difficulty in you and your families lives.😔

Life is for enjoying, not hiding in the shadows. You only get one crack at it, so you may as well enjoy every moment.

How are you doing, OP?

I think you were really brave to start thinking about taking a step like that and I hope it has led to something positive for you.