I said I couldn’t afford to go on a night out and now this

[Easyguess]

I’ll admit I very rarely go out with friends because I often can’t afford to be spending £50 at least on just me.

The way I see it is that we aren’t high earners, I’m on just over minimum wage and DP slightly more so we must budget our money accordingly, surely that’s acceptable?

I’ve been invited on a ‘mummy’s night off’ which is where a group of mum’s from DC class go out to the city centre for dinner and drinks, then on to a club afterwards.
I can’t afford to go, we just haven’t got the money spare.

So I politely declined last week, explaining that I couldn’t afford it. She replied saying ‘you can’t afford one night out?’ So I said along the lines of not at the moment but I hope they all had a great time, sort of thing.

Her ‘come out! you’ll have a fab time?!’
Me ‘as I said, I can’t afford it’
Her ‘the others can chip in for your dinner and you’ll just need to pay for drinks, how about that?’
Me ‘that’s really kind but I still couldn’t stretch to it, have a great time!’

She hasn’t responded to that.

She has however been talking to the other mum’s about me and DP and how we appear to waste our money.

I went to the school coffee morning yesterday and some of the other mum’s told me what she’s been saying.

1. She often sees us unloading ‘bags and bags of shopping’ from our car.

I can only imagine that’s the weekly or monthly shop, and Aldi, we’d have been to Aldi, we have ourselves and 3 dc to feed!
Or, perhaps she saw us returning from the school uniform shopping trip and saw some clothing bags, shoe boxes and the like?

1. We can afford a big car.

We have one, paid for, family car and it’s not high end or anything!

1. She knows ‘for a fact’ that me and my DP drink beer and wine at the weekends and thinks if we can waste money on that then I can afford a night out.

We do like a drink and choose to drink at home to save money! No babysitter, taxi etc. My wine is £5! I wonder if she knows I sometimes buy another mid-week too DP beer costs similar.

1. She’s seen on my Facebook that I ‘go out loads’

The only times we’ve been out all year have been as a family, with close friends or just me and DP. And there haven’t been many, not even once a month. Just occasionally a birthday lunch and a wedding that we went to etc.

She has come to the conclusion that I could be snubbing the mum group and tasked the mum’s attending the coffee morning to try to talk me into going.

I explained that I can’t afford it, and that even if there was £50, £60, £70+ sitting in our account, I couldn’t justify spending it on myself. Christmas is coming and we’ll really be watching our spending so we can afford our family celebrations.

Other mum’s have warned me there’s going to be a Christmas one in December, I’ll have to decline again and dread her seeing me tagged in anything on my work’s do! (Paid for in instalments over the last few months)

I do understand that it’s good to get along with the other school parents (and I do) and I will try to go along to some of the nights out but it won’t be this side of Christmas.

It’s not very nice having to justify myself like this. Why can’t I just decline and that’s it?

Finances aside because they are none of their buisness. I just don't understand why people feel they have to be friends with other school mums 🤷‍♀️ unless they are people you would happily spend time with normally, just don't!

Stop justifying yourself and DP to anyone, what you do and don't spend your money on is none of her bloody business.
I actually wouldn't want to go out in such a snide persons company. I hope other people take a leaf out of your book and sack it off. In sure you can't be the only one who really can't afford it.

She's a bitch

Say no

Explain to the group that she has been lying about you and you don't enjoy her company which is why you have said no

If it’s a real friend you should be able to say “it’s not really my cup of tea, I’ll catch up with you at the next coffee morning” without anyone taking offence. She does sound hard work though.

Start telling the other mum you’ve heard she beats her children with a wooden spoon on Sunday afternoons.

Then wait for her to come to you about the hear say. Then tell her to fuck off.

I hate gossipy school mums.

She’s the one with the problem not you ! Sounds a bit toxic to be talking about you like that and unpleasant. Over time she will be absolutely insignificant in your life . What you do with your money is your private business and absolutely none of hers to comment on ! Withdraw from the group - this sort of person is someone you can do without !!

You can afford it but you dont want to spend the money on it. I totally get it and have been there myself.

Sack her off on FB so she doesn't see you tagged into anything. You don't need to justify to her how you spend your money. I hate judgemental people like her. She sounds like a bitch. Imagine being that bothered that she asked the other mums to speak to you about it!

Sounds ridiculous. Not being able to afford it doesn't mean that you are bankrupt, it means that you don't think spending that amount on that activity as a good use of your finite resources.

I don’t understand why she’s so bothered?!?!

What a cow! YANBU op. You sound like a great Mum, putting your family before yourself. Keep doing what you’re doing.

It’s none of her business what you spend your money on. I wouldn’t want to go on a night out with her, she sounds a right bitch.

She sounds like a complete twat OP! Tell her to mind her own bloody business - are these your only group of friends? If not I’d stay well away - bitchy little group of nobodies

I have a group of very close friends who are like this, can't just say no. There's always, "can't you just this" and "can't you just that", it becomes very draining!

"Mum's night out" with school mums sounds like my kind of hell 😬
Dont get me wrong; I'm friendly with a few and have one that I would consider close but going out is a no.
We are very similar to you OP - we have 3 DS's and no family near by so we dont get out at all really. We also have a £5 bottle of wine a weekends as a treat bc every other £'s goe - inevitably - on the kids.
What you choose to do with YOUR money; is your own affair and you DO NOT have to justify it to any pushy mum's up the school!
Just keep living your life with your family OP.

So she’s asked you twice & you’ve said no twice. Then your other “friends” ran to you & told you what she said.

OP, NONE OF THESE WOMEN ARE YOUR FRIENDS. STAY AWAY FROM THEM ALL.

And if she asks a third time, say: “What about N-O can’t you comprehend???” And walk away.

A few years ago this couple, jointly, decided i was their best friend (at the moment - they added). They invited me to everything they could think of and would constantly drop by unannounced to try to persuade me to go to Ascot or stock car races or to the local snooker club.

I squirmed my way out of everything until I was forced to say i dislike socialising in all shapes and forms.

How can people be arsed giving a shit about these relationships

I personally would not of said that I couldn’t afford it and I don’t know why OP said this ?
It’s nobodies business.
A simple No I can’t make it would of been fine .

I bet now you really want to go though, when she has been so nice and everything

She and her friends are toxic. Stay far away.

OP she was rude and pushy to keep insisting when you said no in the first place. You gave a good reason and she should have respected that. I would not have been happy to have other mum's paying for my dinner and how did she know they would be happy to do that?

Where she is totally out of order is talking about you and your spending behind your back and basically snooping. How you spend your money is nobody's business, especially not some random mum who's child happens to be in the same class as yours. That is intrusive behaviour. If that was me, I would definitely pull her up on it. What a blooming cheek! And I would block her on FB.

Yes it is handy to have a circle of school mum friends, but it is not the be all and end all. You have probably found that you will make friends anyway, usually with the mums of your dc's friends. Lots of people just meet for coffee and that's as far as it goes. All the mums won't be going, just a group of them. These aren't close friends to push the boat out for, just some people you rub shoulders with through circumstances.

If you are asked to the Christmas one too, I would advise just saying "no" and not giving any reason to be questioned. Also some ppl may not have a reason other than they just don't feel like going, but they will make some excuse.

When my ds was in primary school I had quite a wide circle of school mum friends and would meet up for coffees, drinks, meals, cinema/theatre trips and once a spa break (no night clubbing though!). 5 years on and I meet up with one mum only occasionally.

I never go out with the school Mums because I don’t want to spend money on a babysitter on a night out with people I don’t know very well. I do choose to spend money on going out once a month but I really have to prioritise so use that money to see life long friends who I have had for years or to go out with colleagues who I consider much closer friends. It is a shame as I would like to get to know them better but such is life. You can’t afford to do everything in life you want to. She was way OTT and rude.

Tell her to p**s off, she is not your keeper! WTF has it got to do with her what shopping or car you & DH have! She sounds like a bunny boiler to me, get rid!!

People that don't worry about a budget, be that wealthy or poor, cannot empathize with those who need to keep a tight reign on their spending.
These mums are almost blackmailing you to reconsider throwing your budget into fire. Many schools are in trouble financially, but they too are guilty of applying undue pressure when expensive school trips are organized, and dc wants to go because their class mates are going. Dont forget this is the same peer pressure that leads dc to smoke, drink, or some other misdeed. Good advice on here, maintain your stance, be diplomatic and maybe catch up on a night out later.