I said I couldn’t afford to go on a night out and now this

[Easyguess]

I’ll admit I very rarely go out with friends because I often can’t afford to be spending £50 at least on just me.

The way I see it is that we aren’t high earners, I’m on just over minimum wage and DP slightly more so we must budget our money accordingly, surely that’s acceptable?

I’ve been invited on a ‘mummy’s night off’ which is where a group of mum’s from DC class go out to the city centre for dinner and drinks, then on to a club afterwards.
I can’t afford to go, we just haven’t got the money spare.

So I politely declined last week, explaining that I couldn’t afford it. She replied saying ‘you can’t afford one night out?’ So I said along the lines of not at the moment but I hope they all had a great time, sort of thing.

Her ‘come out! you’ll have a fab time?!’
Me ‘as I said, I can’t afford it’
Her ‘the others can chip in for your dinner and you’ll just need to pay for drinks, how about that?’
Me ‘that’s really kind but I still couldn’t stretch to it, have a great time!’

She hasn’t responded to that.

She has however been talking to the other mum’s about me and DP and how we appear to waste our money.

I went to the school coffee morning yesterday and some of the other mum’s told me what she’s been saying.

1. She often sees us unloading ‘bags and bags of shopping’ from our car.

I can only imagine that’s the weekly or monthly shop, and Aldi, we’d have been to Aldi, we have ourselves and 3 dc to feed!
Or, perhaps she saw us returning from the school uniform shopping trip and saw some clothing bags, shoe boxes and the like?

1. We can afford a big car.

We have one, paid for, family car and it’s not high end or anything!

1. She knows ‘for a fact’ that me and my DP drink beer and wine at the weekends and thinks if we can waste money on that then I can afford a night out.

We do like a drink and choose to drink at home to save money! No babysitter, taxi etc. My wine is £5! I wonder if she knows I sometimes buy another mid-week too DP beer costs similar.

1. She’s seen on my Facebook that I ‘go out loads’

The only times we’ve been out all year have been as a family, with close friends or just me and DP. And there haven’t been many, not even once a month. Just occasionally a birthday lunch and a wedding that we went to etc.

She has come to the conclusion that I could be snubbing the mum group and tasked the mum’s attending the coffee morning to try to talk me into going.

I explained that I can’t afford it, and that even if there was £50, £60, £70+ sitting in our account, I couldn’t justify spending it on myself. Christmas is coming and we’ll really be watching our spending so we can afford our family celebrations.

Other mum’s have warned me there’s going to be a Christmas one in December, I’ll have to decline again and dread her seeing me tagged in anything on my work’s do! (Paid for in instalments over the last few months)

I do understand that it’s good to get along with the other school parents (and I do) and I will try to go along to some of the nights out but it won’t be this side of Christmas.

It’s not very nice having to justify myself like this. Why can’t I just decline and that’s it?

Do not gossip about people behind their back.

It is one of life’s naughty little pleasures.

If you don’t want people to gossip about you then never go out. Oh.

What is she, a 7-year old?
Stop giving her information she's using all against you.

I’d get off Facebook, it’s shite anyway and this way you can stop nosey people like her looking at what you’re up too.

I agree with everyone saying not to give an excuse, no matter how true it might be. It just leads to them trying fix whatever the 'problem' is.

So a quick 'Oooh shame I can't make this one, hope everyone has a great time!' If you are interested in going at some point, maybe tack on something about hoping to catch them next time or similar.

I hate this passive aggressive crap. Next time you see this lady in person I would pull her aside and ask if she has a problem with you.

She sounds like a right knobber and the other mums seem to like shit stirring. No wonder you don't want the expense of spending time in their dubious company!

I'd stick them all on restricted on your Facebook profile, and if you want to, you could suggest a fitness walk, or coffee shop social. I know a bunch of mum friends who do a Saturday morning parkrun and go for a fry up () afterwards in a cheap cafe, probably costs them £5-10 each.

I had similar with a bunch of workmates who we all younger than me and desperately wanted me to come on drunken nights out. I had a good and full affordable social life outside of work and consider spending £50-100+ on drinking alcohol in overcrowded sweaty sticky nightclubs playing music I hate and feeling like shite the next day or 2 to be a special kind of hell. I'm not really a drinker but the the one time I went and didn't drink I spent £40 on overpriced cola and entrance fees and hated it. In contrast my social hobby costs £8-10 entrance for the night and drinking tap water is the norm so no additional costs. I never managed to get them to stop bugging and texting to guilt trip me into going, but it did seem to work best if I laughed and said thanks but no thanks, I love you guys but that type of night out is my idea of hell.

she is an idiot.
I use the " I can't afford it" card everytime I can't be bothered to do something. No one has ever been rude enough to question, and no one cares.

Ignore her, and get together with the others for a coffee instead - or a picnic in the parc with the kids or something.

I would say something to the effect of well I was gonna try and scrape some cash together but I've since heard you've been talking about me behind my back, so you can get stuffed.

Shame the bitch.

@SierraHotelIndiaTangoHappens the thing is that our dc will be in school together for many years to come so I’d rather not start anything by saying that and did I mention I haven’t got the balls

What’s that message from ‘Peace’?!!! 😂😂😂😂😂

Perhaps ‘Peace’ is about to make me rich so then I can go!!!

I don't know what's worse. The woman who is picking fault with how you spend you money (which seems sensible to me) or those that chose to pass her tittle tattle back to you.
I'd avoid them and it wouldn't be because I was broke.....

Yes, never give an excuse except busy in a particular night/sadly can’t make it I’ve learned. Nothing fixable or ongoing conversation worthy! Saying you can’t afford it does make people feel bad, but asking them to do a lower cost night next time equally may lead to them moaning about the lower cost night if they want to get out somewhere exciting.

It is best not to start a big fight with people you have to know at least peripherally for the next several years so let it go now.

Op there is NO WAY I could afford a night out either. As you say Christmas is coming and we need a new tree on top of everything else (moved house and had enough to bring!) DS7 wants a piano! (will have to be 2nd hand) and lessons.

I hate people like this and so many are about. I also hate FB because, for me, it causes more harm than anything else. Brag brag, spy spy spy, bitch bitch bitch....

She sounds awful and the others are just as bad, gossiping behind her back, ‘she said this about you..’ etc. They’re enjoying all the tittle tattle, they’ll be nodding along agreeing with her and then relaying it all back to you. Personally, I’d run a mile from this gossipy, back-stabbing shower.

As for all of her lists as to how you waste money, that kind of rubbish really bugs me. I know loads of people who do for example the 'look at x, I'd love to be able to afford that' thing. They never ever listen to reason. You can tell them you know for a fact they won it, got it in a sale, or have been saving by not doing whatever - it's always everyone else has it easier and they're the hard done by one or, as you said, they have money to burn, they choose not to do whatever it is. Don't bother engaging!

@Easyguess

What a horrible manipulative cowbag she sounds.

De-friend, and move away from this stupid mummy-group. It sounds awful!

We were a very social group of Mums when DC were at Primary. Lived in a village so very mixed bag of families. Went out a lot - not always expensive eg picnic in the park after school so the kids could all play. But the important thing we did was to make sure everyone was always invited and included. If someone declined, there was no pressure on them to come and they were invited again as part of the group. People are adults and can make their own decisions. So she is out of order putting pressure on you and then involving others. So I would be tactful with the coffee morning mums - make it clear you like seeing them, hearing their news etc, but sadly evenings out dont work for you at the moment.

You said you couldn't afford to go. That was actually fairly poor manners.

She suggested alternative plans, you still said you "couldn't stretch" to that. It makes you sound as if you are absolutely penniless. Awkward.

Then she sees you clearly spending money - and knows that you are lying to her and simply don't want to go. She then feels like a mug.

Of course "can't afford" is relative. I can't afford to go to an expensive dinner with work colleagues but can afford, (would afford), that money for DD's 18th birthday do.

When people say they can't afford it, it is clear that they just don't want to spend that money with you. And if you "can" afford it - you feel uncomfortable for suggesting something extravagant - or snubbed.

Just say - "Sorry - can't make it this time - maybe another time - hope it goes well"

She's awful, but the other mums aren't helping by passing on her comments.

I agree with changing your Facebook settings. You can make separate friend groups on Facebook with specific privacy settings. I'd say just put all these mums in that group and limits their views to only the things you wish to post publicly.

Wow, she's a right one, isn't she?!
I mean, in one way it's kind of nice that she's so keen for you to come out, but if you can't, you can't and that's all there is to it!

It's not for her to decide how you spend your money, it's your money, your life, your decision!

She sounds like one of those people who would never let you give up alcohol or cigs, she'd be always at you to "go on, just have one, one can't hurt you" etc.

Ugh.
Obviously you're going to stick to your guns, so I don't need to say that but I'd back away. Make her a FB Acquaintance and then change your settings so that your Acquaintances can't see most of your posts.

I have this - I have several Friends (Acquaintances) and my settings are customised to "Friends Except Acquaintances" for most posts. The acquaintance list only see my public posts (or the very rare all Friends posts).

Cleopatra your last sentence is reasonable. But the rest?!
Your post really shows a massive privilege in assuming that the OP could afford to go out if she wanted to.
Feeding your family and owning a car should of course be higher priority than going out socially.
It the person bullying op that lacks manners here, not op.

Say to her 'you've misunderstood. I haven't budgeted a night out this month, that's all. Nothing personal.' She's trying to 'catch you out' thinking you were claiming you haven't got two pennies to run together as an excuse.

You sometimes come across awful women like this, and they are not worth bothering about. Its horrible that someone thinks they have a right to talk about you,and judge you in any way. This woman does not sound suitable,to be in a group of women friends, and it's odd that other people might like her.

This has never really happened to me though,as I don't like group things,especially women group things.