I said I couldn’t afford to go on a night out and now this

[Easyguess]

I’ll admit I very rarely go out with friends because I often can’t afford to be spending £50 at least on just me.

The way I see it is that we aren’t high earners, I’m on just over minimum wage and DP slightly more so we must budget our money accordingly, surely that’s acceptable?

I’ve been invited on a ‘mummy’s night off’ which is where a group of mum’s from DC class go out to the city centre for dinner and drinks, then on to a club afterwards.
I can’t afford to go, we just haven’t got the money spare.

So I politely declined last week, explaining that I couldn’t afford it. She replied saying ‘you can’t afford one night out?’ So I said along the lines of not at the moment but I hope they all had a great time, sort of thing.

Her ‘come out! you’ll have a fab time?!’
Me ‘as I said, I can’t afford it’
Her ‘the others can chip in for your dinner and you’ll just need to pay for drinks, how about that?’
Me ‘that’s really kind but I still couldn’t stretch to it, have a great time!’

She hasn’t responded to that.

She has however been talking to the other mum’s about me and DP and how we appear to waste our money.

I went to the school coffee morning yesterday and some of the other mum’s told me what she’s been saying.

1. She often sees us unloading ‘bags and bags of shopping’ from our car.

I can only imagine that’s the weekly or monthly shop, and Aldi, we’d have been to Aldi, we have ourselves and 3 dc to feed!
Or, perhaps she saw us returning from the school uniform shopping trip and saw some clothing bags, shoe boxes and the like?

1. We can afford a big car.

We have one, paid for, family car and it’s not high end or anything!

1. She knows ‘for a fact’ that me and my DP drink beer and wine at the weekends and thinks if we can waste money on that then I can afford a night out.

We do like a drink and choose to drink at home to save money! No babysitter, taxi etc. My wine is £5! I wonder if she knows I sometimes buy another mid-week too DP beer costs similar.

1. She’s seen on my Facebook that I ‘go out loads’

The only times we’ve been out all year have been as a family, with close friends or just me and DP. And there haven’t been many, not even once a month. Just occasionally a birthday lunch and a wedding that we went to etc.

She has come to the conclusion that I could be snubbing the mum group and tasked the mum’s attending the coffee morning to try to talk me into going.

I explained that I can’t afford it, and that even if there was £50, £60, £70+ sitting in our account, I couldn’t justify spending it on myself. Christmas is coming and we’ll really be watching our spending so we can afford our family celebrations.

Other mum’s have warned me there’s going to be a Christmas one in December, I’ll have to decline again and dread her seeing me tagged in anything on my work’s do! (Paid for in instalments over the last few months)

I do understand that it’s good to get along with the other school parents (and I do) and I will try to go along to some of the nights out but it won’t be this side of Christmas.

It’s not very nice having to justify myself like this. Why can’t I just decline and that’s it?

It is entirely up to you what you choose to spend your money on.

There is a big difference between if you want to go but what is planned is too ££ and if you don’t really want to go. If you would like to socialise with them, why not suggest the next night out is somewhere you think you would like to do. If you are not bothered, just be honest and say it’s not really your thing.

I have a friend who really wants to come out for dinner and drinks but has a small budget so we go to ‘Spoons when we meet up. I’m good with that, it is always fun and good to see her, even though I am generally not a spoons kind of person!!

I would just say, “sorry, I don’t want to go. Have a lovely time” then delete her from your social media (and anyone else who may spy for her).

I took myself off social media altogether (apart from this obvs where I am anonymous). It has saved SO much hassle!

@OtraCosaMariposa I think that’s fair, I’ve offered too much info, they don’t really need to know I’m quite skint, but then again she didn’t then need to start judging my spending habits! But again, if I hadn’t told her I couldn’t afford it she wouldn’t have felt the need to do that.

She does come across as someone who would respond to ‘sorry, I’m busy that day, have a great time’ with ‘we’ll rearrange to a day you can come, then’ or even ‘why, what are you doing that day? Can you rearrange?’

Terrible! Let it blow over - anyone in their right mind knows that she's unhinged to start commenting about your car/shopping/drinking habits or whatever else.

I think this happened because you made your decline about money rather than about you not wanting to go. It makes it awkward for other people because they start wondering if they should chip in for you, or change to cheaper plans, etc. Making it about money means people try to present solutions to mitigate the costs.

I don’t have much to add beyond shes really quite obnoxious. Hopefully it’s just her and the others are ok, otherwise I would distancing myself from the rest of them and declining all future invites.
What a biaatch...

If you actually want to socialize with them why not suggest something thats cheapish and enjoyable like an evening bowling.

She’s awful.

Do what you want with your money and never apologise it justify anything. You

She’s a bitch.

HOWEVER ime don’t ever decline things saying you can’t afford it.

It opens you up to be charity cased and patronised by well meaning but dim people and have every facet of you life scrutinised by shitheads who think you’re pleading poverty cos you can’t be arsed.

It’s not right but it’s not worth it IME.

wow! She sounds a bloody pain.

It's a lesson. Don't explain ever.

Do what you want with your money.

The thing is if she responds to you saying ‘I can’t make that day’ with oh we’ll rearrange. Just say ‘don’t change it all on my account’ and leave it. Don’t reply to any more questions on why you are busy. That’s rude behaviour from her and you are entitled to ignore.

From your last post it seems she is the suffocating pushy type who won't take no for an answer and doesn't understand why someone doesn't what to socialise with her. You could just say to the other mums regarding this woman, that you don't like socialising with suffocating judgemental bitches. Would love to be a fly on the wall when that gets back to her.

@SaraNade If I had the balls I’d love to try that!

Mum at school did this to my DD, was her turn to organise a girls night out. Well she picked the michelin star type place, which imo. was ludicrous. The whole idea of this was just to get together, weatherspoons, local pub, anywhere cheap as long as they could get together now and again. A few dropped out.

Next time just decline ("Oh not me but thanks for the invite. I've got so much on in December") and don't mention finances or being busy on a particular date as she will just try to rearrange for you.

I agree with a PP that you don’t need to give reasons for not wanting / being able to do something. ‘I’m sorry I can’t make it. Hope you have a great time’.
This woman sounds horrendous though, and I’d also be a bit suspicious of the others stirring the pot by passing what she’s said back to you.

Nothing would have persuaded me to go out with my sons classmates mothers. And that was without the bitchy gossip.

You really don't have to justify why you don't want to go. I never went to school mum nights out as the bitching at the gate was enough for me. I'd rather spend 50 quid on something I would actually want to do.

She sounds awful & a control freak. You can set Facebook etc so she doesn't see your posts without having to unfriend her which could possibly cause more problems. A meal, drinks & club all on one night sounds a bit much!

Just text "no, can't make it".

There is no need to bring your finances into the conversation by texting "no, can't afford it."

I've learnt not to give excuses reasons when I don't want to do something, because I had a 'friend' who would always try to work round it.
Sorry, can't make it this time, but have a great time is my go-to now.

Could you go out for one drink and drive back? Then you've seen everyone and leave when you want?
That's if you want to spend time with them.
Use
"Sorry, I've limited spare cash at the end of the month"

Is her name caroline-the others sound like stirrers why are they friends with her if shes such a bitch

Just watch yourself op and agree with pp dont divulge so much

I don't think she should have said that, but I can see why she feels that way. I would never sacrifice my social life because it's so important to have friends and fun away from home. You really don't need to spend £50 on a night out at all.

Eat and drink before you go and just have something little at dinner and a few drinks to top up during the night. Or don't drink!