I said I couldn’t afford to go on a night out and now this

[Easyguess]

I’ll admit I very rarely go out with friends because I often can’t afford to be spending £50 at least on just me.

The way I see it is that we aren’t high earners, I’m on just over minimum wage and DP slightly more so we must budget our money accordingly, surely that’s acceptable?

I’ve been invited on a ‘mummy’s night off’ which is where a group of mum’s from DC class go out to the city centre for dinner and drinks, then on to a club afterwards.
I can’t afford to go, we just haven’t got the money spare.

So I politely declined last week, explaining that I couldn’t afford it. She replied saying ‘you can’t afford one night out?’ So I said along the lines of not at the moment but I hope they all had a great time, sort of thing.

Her ‘come out! you’ll have a fab time?!’
Me ‘as I said, I can’t afford it’
Her ‘the others can chip in for your dinner and you’ll just need to pay for drinks, how about that?’
Me ‘that’s really kind but I still couldn’t stretch to it, have a great time!’

She hasn’t responded to that.

She has however been talking to the other mum’s about me and DP and how we appear to waste our money.

I went to the school coffee morning yesterday and some of the other mum’s told me what she’s been saying.

1. She often sees us unloading ‘bags and bags of shopping’ from our car.

I can only imagine that’s the weekly or monthly shop, and Aldi, we’d have been to Aldi, we have ourselves and 3 dc to feed!
Or, perhaps she saw us returning from the school uniform shopping trip and saw some clothing bags, shoe boxes and the like?

1. We can afford a big car.

We have one, paid for, family car and it’s not high end or anything!

1. She knows ‘for a fact’ that me and my DP drink beer and wine at the weekends and thinks if we can waste money on that then I can afford a night out.

We do like a drink and choose to drink at home to save money! No babysitter, taxi etc. My wine is £5! I wonder if she knows I sometimes buy another mid-week too DP beer costs similar.

1. She’s seen on my Facebook that I ‘go out loads’

The only times we’ve been out all year have been as a family, with close friends or just me and DP. And there haven’t been many, not even once a month. Just occasionally a birthday lunch and a wedding that we went to etc.

She has come to the conclusion that I could be snubbing the mum group and tasked the mum’s attending the coffee morning to try to talk me into going.

I explained that I can’t afford it, and that even if there was £50, £60, £70+ sitting in our account, I couldn’t justify spending it on myself. Christmas is coming and we’ll really be watching our spending so we can afford our family celebrations.

Other mum’s have warned me there’s going to be a Christmas one in December, I’ll have to decline again and dread her seeing me tagged in anything on my work’s do! (Paid for in instalments over the last few months)

I do understand that it’s good to get along with the other school parents (and I do) and I will try to go along to some of the nights out but it won’t be this side of Christmas.

It’s not very nice having to justify myself like this. Why can’t I just decline and that’s it?

I think she is behaving really badly. She comes across as extremely privileged. She feels rejected and is now trying to make that about you.

I totally disagree with people saying you should hide the real reason. I think it would be better if people were more honest about finances, not less honest - that might make some with little disposable income feel like less of an outsider. Plus if you fudge the reason and say you're not free, people might try to accommodate you and find another date - which just inconveniences them for no good reason.

@OtraCosaMariposa the only ‘solution’ offered was for the others to chip in for my dinner, I’d still have needed to pay for drinks and transport etc and I haven’t got enough money to do that, I mean I could drive (pay about £10 to park my car!) and not drink anything but tap water, and let others pay for my meal but.....didn’t fancy that, no!

You don’t need to justify yourself to anybody. Nor do you need to go into your financial situation as a means to explaining. You have been polite, that’s all that’s is required. You do you.

I would not let others pay for my meal unless I was able to pay them back some time, which somewhat defeats the purpose. I think this is an unhelpful suggestion of her and again smacks of privilege.

I've been on two mums night. One for my DS, one for my DD. It occurred to me at both I dont like people in general, so why did I think I'd find my tribe at either of these events.

If you feel you need to explain, just say it clashes with existing plans (after you know a definite date of course).

Imagine volunteering everyone else's money?

PS: Love Aldi, 4 bags fresh fruit veg and cheese for £38 this morning.

This is where Yorkshire dialect comes in useful. "I can't thoil t'brass" = It's not that I literally can't afford it, but I can't justify spending so much. That way, no one's going to come up with a plan to cover some of your bill because of your perceived poverty. Either that, or it would just cause great confusion as no one would understand, and they'd wonder why you'd suddenly gone all Yorkshire. Either way you'd be off the hook.

I'd honestly tell her to shove her night out down her flappy gobhole.

But that's why I have no school friends 😂

@Melliphant I’d need to brush up on my Yorkshire accent first!

Tell her no means no

she should accept your answer. I was just invited to a masked ball in a posh manor house, £50 a ticket, that's without drinks, new outfit (have literally nothing dressy at all), shoes (only possess boots/mules), probably would have to get my hair done too, the cost would end up being probably £150-£200 which I simply cannot spend on a night out.

Guess what?! my friends accepted that as we all have different lives and different budgets, but it was lovely that they included me.

i would keep recycling - "it is so kind of you to include me and please do ask me again, but with Christmas coming the family budget just won't allow for it".

Hopefully other mums will tell her that its none of her business what you spend your money on.

It’s like she’s never heard of budgeting!

It doesn’t matter how much money you have, right now it’s earmarked for something else

What a cow

I'd back right off from this group. The ring leader is pushy, rude and nosey, and simply won't take no for an answer. This can be part of the politics of the school playground, I'm afraid. You have to learn who to associate with and who to avoid (and why).

Your reasons for not going are perfectly valid. She should not be trying to pry into your affairs and if I were in your shoes I would certainly be giving her very short shrift.

I don't agree that you need to get on with all of the school mums. It is nice if a good group of you do get along, but it is by no means essential. I did have a pretty good group of friends while my kids were at primary school, but none were as pushy as you described, and we didn't go on nights out. Nobody forced anyone into anything,

By the time your kids get to secondary school you will barely even know any of the other parents, so it gets better and easier.

For a group who are just school mums on friendly terms, a night out in October, and then another in December is really frequent. I don't go out with my best friends that often!

While I do think it's good to show willing and go to at least some things, it does seem quite an expensive commitment and the expense of these get togethers needs a rethink.

she thinks it's such a privilege to be in her company while she holds court on a night out that she cant imagine any sensible person would refuse.
She's dissing you because you have dissed her by not wanting to put yourself out just to bathed in the glow from the sun that shines out of her arse.
She is the empress, no one refuses her commands!

She is so rude. Also more than a little strange to be stalking you. I would be appalled and backing away from any woman who came out with this.

If indeed it comes up again, I would be saying I think it's very strange that she's so wound up with her being so obsessed with how I spend my time and money.

She sounds like the sort of woman who will create drama and conflict in the coming years, so you have certainly got the heads up regarding that.

Continue to be pleasant and friendly and do not apologize or feel embarrassed over managing your family budget sensibly.

💐

I think the answer is to not engage with the group. You don’t want to be friends with them so leave it.

Real friends don’t behave like this. My fiends suggest a night out. Some of us come along, others are busy. No pressure.

I was invited to a posh event that would have been £100ish, just said I couldn’t justify cost and that was that.

The dynamic of this group with this lady as the ringleader is unhealthy and you don’t need it.

I don't understand the attacks on the women who told the OP. Imo it takes guts to come forward like that, and I'd really rather know if someone in the group is making attacks on me and spreading lies and smearing me. The women who came forward and told the OP imo did the right thing, and tbh I would do the same thing as those women, and I would expect to be told the truth in return. You can cast aspersions as to motives, but they have more to lose by betraying the woman and thus it getting back to the woman, than just keeping quiet and gossiping behind the OP's back. How can we expect women to be honest with each other and support each other, if we attack those who have the courage to come forward and tell women that another woman is spreading lies?

It’s all to school playground for me, all the back biting, running between one person to another....maybe I’m just to old for this type of nonsense

Saranade. It all depends on the intentions of the person saying it, which we're not in a position to know.
I would also expect the other mums to be calling out this woman on her behaviour at the time it's happening, not just running to the op and expecting her to sort it out.
I personally would be backing away from the group, I couldn't be bothered with the hassle, the other non drama llamas would be more than welcome to follow me.

I would've said good God, a nightclub, no thank you I'll leave that to you. Even if I'd won the lottery you wouldn't get me in one these days. - I genuinely feel this way and I'm 35. I think if it was just drinks you could go (drive) and drunk soft drinks and spend very little, so maybe an option for the Christmas gathering.

I think the other women should have stuck up for OP and yes called this woman out on her behaviour. It doesn’t sound like a nice group. Leave them to it.

Next the time just say it’s not your thing , no need go go into why .she’s probably jealous you would prefer to stay in with your husband than go waisting money . I often get asked to go out but I’d much prefer to spend the money as a family or stay in and have a Chinese in my pjs . Don’t need mates like that x

Jesus even if I was a millionaire I wouldn't want to spend a night in her company age sounds a pushy PITA

I had a lot of pressure of school mums to go out socialising and in the end I firmly but politely told them that I didn’t have a lot of spare money (or time) and what I have is rather use on doing things with my friends or family. Not sure it went down well but they don’t ask me out anymore!

*I’d not is