I said I couldn’t afford to go on a night out and now this

[Easyguess]

I’ll admit I very rarely go out with friends because I often can’t afford to be spending £50 at least on just me.

The way I see it is that we aren’t high earners, I’m on just over minimum wage and DP slightly more so we must budget our money accordingly, surely that’s acceptable?

I’ve been invited on a ‘mummy’s night off’ which is where a group of mum’s from DC class go out to the city centre for dinner and drinks, then on to a club afterwards.
I can’t afford to go, we just haven’t got the money spare.

So I politely declined last week, explaining that I couldn’t afford it. She replied saying ‘you can’t afford one night out?’ So I said along the lines of not at the moment but I hope they all had a great time, sort of thing.

Her ‘come out! you’ll have a fab time?!’
Me ‘as I said, I can’t afford it’
Her ‘the others can chip in for your dinner and you’ll just need to pay for drinks, how about that?’
Me ‘that’s really kind but I still couldn’t stretch to it, have a great time!’

She hasn’t responded to that.

She has however been talking to the other mum’s about me and DP and how we appear to waste our money.

I went to the school coffee morning yesterday and some of the other mum’s told me what she’s been saying.

1. She often sees us unloading ‘bags and bags of shopping’ from our car.

I can only imagine that’s the weekly or monthly shop, and Aldi, we’d have been to Aldi, we have ourselves and 3 dc to feed!
Or, perhaps she saw us returning from the school uniform shopping trip and saw some clothing bags, shoe boxes and the like?

1. We can afford a big car.

We have one, paid for, family car and it’s not high end or anything!

1. She knows ‘for a fact’ that me and my DP drink beer and wine at the weekends and thinks if we can waste money on that then I can afford a night out.

We do like a drink and choose to drink at home to save money! No babysitter, taxi etc. My wine is £5! I wonder if she knows I sometimes buy another mid-week too DP beer costs similar.

1. She’s seen on my Facebook that I ‘go out loads’

The only times we’ve been out all year have been as a family, with close friends or just me and DP. And there haven’t been many, not even once a month. Just occasionally a birthday lunch and a wedding that we went to etc.

She has come to the conclusion that I could be snubbing the mum group and tasked the mum’s attending the coffee morning to try to talk me into going.

I explained that I can’t afford it, and that even if there was £50, £60, £70+ sitting in our account, I couldn’t justify spending it on myself. Christmas is coming and we’ll really be watching our spending so we can afford our family celebrations.

Other mum’s have warned me there’s going to be a Christmas one in December, I’ll have to decline again and dread her seeing me tagged in anything on my work’s do! (Paid for in instalments over the last few months)

I do understand that it’s good to get along with the other school parents (and I do) and I will try to go along to some of the nights out but it won’t be this side of Christmas.

It’s not very nice having to justify myself like this. Why can’t I just decline and that’s it?

Urgh I hate it when you decline an invite and someone keeps nagging and nagging. Sometimes I just want to make an excuse and say "have a great time though!" and that be the end of it. She's taking it all too far.

@CleopatraTomato But it was true, whether she believes it or not.
The night out will cost more than I can afford, more money than I have in the bank. That’s a fact, one I know now it wasn’t necessary to share but yes, she does seem to think I’m snubbing the group. It’s up to her what she wants to read into it, but it wasn’t an excuse, it’s the truth.

And her needing to ‘prove’ that I either have more money than I have said or am wasteful with what I do have is just judgemental.

I think my only mistake was to think she would take my reason at face value and accept it and will in future just say I can’t make it and try not to explain why.

I have found it easier just to say “Oh sorry we have plans” as sometimes any extra information you provide can result in a lot of gossip.

Some insecure idiots assume that your choices criticise theirs. Some people just can understand that we all spend the money in things that are more important to us, I wouldn’t waste my money in a night out but I can assure you I can find a huge amount of wasteful choices to spend it on.

Each to their own...

I used to work with someone like this, I would never be in a position to go out clubbing with her and my other work mates and she would always come out with snidy remarks. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal if someone can’t go.

She would end up talking about me behind my back and I found out (I actually overheard her) and I called her on it. She never asked me to go out with the group again, and eventually the other girls in the office stopped going out with her too as they said she was just being horrible.

Too bad if she sees something that YOU choose to post on YOUR Facebook. She has no bearing or control over your life so tell her to fuck off and pull her up with what she has been saying to the other mums but tell them you are going to pull her up.

Her life must be so boring and shitty that she has to comment on the car you drive, and the shopping you pull out your boot!!

Peace is about to solve all your 'I can't afford it' issues in one fell swoop.
Can't afford a night out with the girls? Peace'll sort it.
Need a new Lamborghini by next Tuesday? Leave it to Peace.
Just DM a few details....

I think the worst part is her suggesting that the others would club together for your meal op. In order to do this she would have no choice but to tell the others of your personal circumstances instead of just saying op isn't coming. You may have felt very embarrassed about them knowing your reason for not going so very tactless of her.

She's judgey as fuck.

Meanwhile I sympathise because my priority spends sound very similar. I decline nights out quite often and get 'but you have just bought x' yeh I have - because I don't go out and because as an adult I'm permitted to make those decisions!

You have handled it all very badly. No need for explanations. A simple "shame I can't make it, maybe next time, have a lovely evening" is perfect. Saying you can't afford it is a bit weird and will make people feel uncomfortable. Your personal financial situation is your business. You have made it everyone else's business too with your "can't afford it" statement.

You said you couldn't afford to go. That was actually fairly poor manners.

She suggested alternative plans, you still said you "couldn't stretch" to that. It makes you sound as if you are absolutely penniless. Awkward.

I couldn't disagree more with these two comments. Why is it bad manners or awkward to not have spare money for luxuries? Should the OP have lied instead? Are well-off/comfortable folk so sensitive that it's beastly and upsetting to them if they have to discover that some people are much poorer than they are? Like when the homeless people in Windsor were moved along so as not to put a downer on the royal wedding?

If OP had said "Oh, I would sooo love to come, but I simply can't pay for it myself - what can I possibly do so that I don't miss out on it?" then that would have been awkward. But she didn't - she was invited along and politely declined, giving her perfectly valid reason why. If she'd lied about being busy that night, what would have happened if the rest of the group had suggested 6 alternative nights that they could do the same thing instead?

If it's the truth that you can't afford something, I think that's a less awkward way of declining than lying or giving any other excuse suggesting that you might be lying and snubbing them.

As for stalky woman going all Miss Marple and prying to see where OP is spending money (and she never claimed not to have a single penny), even if she were right, what would she expect OP to do - not buy food for her family for a week or sell the family car, just so she could go on a single night out with people who aren't even her close friends?

If OP had been giving 'can't afford it' as a reason for asking for a loan or for not paying back an existing loan as agreed, then I would have had sympathy with stalky woman; but she doesn't get to dictate how OP and her family budget with their money, however much or little of it they have.

Id be pulling her aside for a sharp conversation. Her stalking you and discussing how you live your life is out of order, rude and strange.

Not everyone enjoys nights out and honestly 'mums night off' sounds like a reductive Hell.

If you had wanted to and could afford it you still wouldn't go now after her revolting behaviour.

Why do I get the impression that Peace's ultimate motive and OP's already not having any spare money to fritter away are somewhat at cross purposes?!

It reminds me of that sketch where Catherine Tate played a lovelorn scam victim with what she believed to be a sincere, devoted partner who lived abroad, whom she'd met online. "We have a relationship based purely on love. I send him money.... and he LOVES that!!!"

She seems to be one of those women who likes people to do as they are told, doesn't she? Won't take no for an answer, finding all sorts of reason why the reason you gave isn't acceptable, the lot.

I wouldn't want to go for an evening out with her anyway, she likes it all her own way too much.

I do like the " I haven't budgeted for a night out"

id reply to the others, "jesus, this is all getting a bit weird isnt it. Im skint, and Im not sure what bit of that is so hard to understand. Ive not asked anyone to pay for me, nor am I snubbing anyone, im just really skint and cant afford to go out drinking. I certainly wasnt expecting to be judged on the fact that I buy supermarket shopping to feed my family, so therefore can go out drinking"

SilentNight - I haven't assumed privilige - the OP clearly says that she can afford and prefers to afford other things. She isn't rich but that isn't the point here. The OP's insistence on poverty makes everyone feel bad.

I agree the other woman behaved poorly but she clearly thinks OP is lying to her and has made a fool of her. No-one likes that.

It's not bad manners to point out that you can't afford something.

What IS shockingly bad manners is to try and force someone to do something after they have been upfront and truthful about why they can't do it.

Prevaricating with "not this time", "I have plans that night" etc. can go badly wrong when the group decide to move the night to one the OP could manage - and she still can't go because she still can't fucking afford it!

The OP needs food to feed her family. She does not need to go out drinking and to a club. It is not bad manners to prioritise your monetary spending on needs rather than wants.

OP, you say it's important to get out with other school mums, why?
With 3 kids I never went out with a group once, it just wasn't done.
My youngest is only 15 so not talking that far back.

I wouldn't have justified spending money on what sounds like a hell of a night, either

@ChilliMayo I’ll send Peace all of my personal info immediately!!

You could take the direct approach and speak to her, perhaps say as others are talking about it you thought you would speak to her yourself to avoid any confusion.
You don't need to justify why you can or can't go to a social event. If she needs everyone invited to attend (we all know people like this) that is her problem, not yours. And if it turns out the other mums are gossiping and are of the same opinion, it sounds like a draining group to be around.

Why is it bad manners or awkward to not have spare money for luxuries? Should the OP have lied instead?

Not at all. But presenting it as "I can't afford it" gives other people the signal that there is a problem to be solved. Opt for something cheaper, do drinks not a meal, invite people round for a takeaway, everyone chip in for her meal. Et voila, problem solved - yet OP still didn;t want to go.

All that could have been avoided by not giving a "reason" in the first place. Just a "can't make it, have a lovely time" is PLENTY of explanation. You don't need to go into the additional detail of finances, or health, or anything else. Doing so just gives people room to question or pry. Why give them that ammunition?

As I said in my first post, this woman sounds like the sort who'd try and coerce you into having a drink or a smoke when you were trying to give up.
I've found these people don't want you to do certain things because they are so self-centred, they think that everything that YOU do differently to them is somehow a judgement on them.

So they want/need you to do exactly the same as them, otherwise they think you're being a snob, judging their choices, making out you're better than them - and they don't like it if you don't play by their rules.

You saying that you can't afford it because you need to prioritise other things (food, Christmas spending) might feel to her as though you are criticising her choice to spend £50+ on a night out for herself. You aren't, of course! but that's how people like her can see things.

You can't win with these people, by the way - because everything you do differently is "wrong" to them. So you either do what they do or you back away and let them get on with it by themselves, with their other like-minded people.

@Drabarni I think it’s nice to have a friendly relationship with mum’s of dc who will be in each other’s company for years, not necessarily to go out with them, but to get along. I had thought that maybe I’d like to join in on some of their nights out but some of the responses here have made me wonder if it’s probably not a great idea.

@CleopatraTomato The OP's insistence on poverty makes everyone feel bad
I have claimed we’re poverty stricken but I’ve said that there isn’t much left after our usual living expenses, that’s hardly preferring to afford other things!

Of course I’d rather we had our car, clothing and food rather than nights out!
And if we do have a little to spare to go out, of course I’m going to go out with my family rather than them.

I don’t feel made a fool of at all!

She's obviously got nothing going on in her life and needs to discuss such a non issue with everyone regarding your money situation. Honestly some people are so catty. If you want to drink at home that is your decision (honestly these women go on nights out spending £50+ in one night and then critisize you for maybe spending not even half that to drink at home!)

I'm getting a slight sense she could be jealous of you, hence the rude gossip behind your back. Any reason she may be envious of you?

That should say I HAVEN’T claimed we’re poverty stricken!

There have been some lower cost suggestions that I might put forward, not for this night out coming up but certainly for the Christmas time one

I wouldn't bother, frankly; someone like this will probably just sneer at the suggestions and use it as fodder to "prove" how cheap you're being

Since you already have friends you enjoy seeing, I'm not entirely clear why you're bothering with people who'll go along with something like this at all

I used to chat at the gates and arrange playdates at drop off and pick up.
The idea of a night out with a group of them, just no.
I understand it's each to their own though and don't begrudge or judge others for their friendship groups.
It isn't essential, or necessary, was my point, I suppose.