I said I couldn’t afford to go on a night out and now this

[Easyguess]

I’ll admit I very rarely go out with friends because I often can’t afford to be spending £50 at least on just me.

The way I see it is that we aren’t high earners, I’m on just over minimum wage and DP slightly more so we must budget our money accordingly, surely that’s acceptable?

I’ve been invited on a ‘mummy’s night off’ which is where a group of mum’s from DC class go out to the city centre for dinner and drinks, then on to a club afterwards.
I can’t afford to go, we just haven’t got the money spare.

So I politely declined last week, explaining that I couldn’t afford it. She replied saying ‘you can’t afford one night out?’ So I said along the lines of not at the moment but I hope they all had a great time, sort of thing.

Her ‘come out! you’ll have a fab time?!’
Me ‘as I said, I can’t afford it’
Her ‘the others can chip in for your dinner and you’ll just need to pay for drinks, how about that?’
Me ‘that’s really kind but I still couldn’t stretch to it, have a great time!’

She hasn’t responded to that.

She has however been talking to the other mum’s about me and DP and how we appear to waste our money.

I went to the school coffee morning yesterday and some of the other mum’s told me what she’s been saying.

1. She often sees us unloading ‘bags and bags of shopping’ from our car.

I can only imagine that’s the weekly or monthly shop, and Aldi, we’d have been to Aldi, we have ourselves and 3 dc to feed!
Or, perhaps she saw us returning from the school uniform shopping trip and saw some clothing bags, shoe boxes and the like?

1. We can afford a big car.

We have one, paid for, family car and it’s not high end or anything!

1. She knows ‘for a fact’ that me and my DP drink beer and wine at the weekends and thinks if we can waste money on that then I can afford a night out.

We do like a drink and choose to drink at home to save money! No babysitter, taxi etc. My wine is £5! I wonder if she knows I sometimes buy another mid-week too DP beer costs similar.

1. She’s seen on my Facebook that I ‘go out loads’

The only times we’ve been out all year have been as a family, with close friends or just me and DP. And there haven’t been many, not even once a month. Just occasionally a birthday lunch and a wedding that we went to etc.

She has come to the conclusion that I could be snubbing the mum group and tasked the mum’s attending the coffee morning to try to talk me into going.

I explained that I can’t afford it, and that even if there was £50, £60, £70+ sitting in our account, I couldn’t justify spending it on myself. Christmas is coming and we’ll really be watching our spending so we can afford our family celebrations.

Other mum’s have warned me there’s going to be a Christmas one in December, I’ll have to decline again and dread her seeing me tagged in anything on my work’s do! (Paid for in instalments over the last few months)

I do understand that it’s good to get along with the other school parents (and I do) and I will try to go along to some of the nights out but it won’t be this side of Christmas.

It’s not very nice having to justify myself like this. Why can’t I just decline and that’s it?

I sometimes think my neighbour wastes her money and then she Moans that she hasn’t got any left for other stuff she needs it for (they have brilliant holidays and city breaks and teen can’t afford new shoes). But I never, ever comment about it and just agree that, yes, it’s crap when you feel broke and leave it at that. It is absolutely none of my business so don’t comment.
If you prefer to spend your money on your family, I think that’s lovely and your dc are lucky to have you.
I completely understand Why you wouldn’t want to go out with someone who is pressurising you to spend money you don’t have. I wouldn’t want other people subbing my meal either- why should they, they may well be financially struggling too but have prioritised differently to go out.
Ignore her and enjoy the things that you enjoy doing.

She’s a bitch. You don’t need to justify yourself to her. If you’re friendly with the other mums, they’ll understand. Don’t get into details about your finances with her, to justify why you can’t afford it. People like her get a kick out of hearing how tight things are for people.

I know it’s easier said than done if you don’t have the money, but could you try and join in with some parts? As in if they’re going for a meal and drinks, you could meet them for the drinks part and eat at home before? Or maybe manage dinner, and not go clubbing?

Arrange a cheap curry meal with BYO booze?

I can see both sides. Going out all the time when you don't have the money is silly. On the other hand, you might get a reputation as being a hostile loner and that may impact your children. It is healthy to have friends and go out with them. It seems that they really value friendships and you don't seem to value friendships or socialising with people. Fair enough, but just keep in mind the impact that being seen to be anti-social may have on your children.

Next time, just say you already have plans and have a family movie night 🍿

I find, if I say I can’t afford something, other get weird about it.

Block her on facebook so she can't see what you are doing.

You made the mistake of giving too much information. "Sorry I'm busy that night" would have done fine. No need to discuss your finances. Maybe that's what you should say for the Christmas do? Everyone has conflicting events at Christmas, so it would be entirely plausible.

She sounds a pain.

My oldest DC (4) started school for this month and as a Parent (part of a mums' WhatsApp group), it feels like I've gone back to school!

join them at 2am for a kebab?

Seriously though she sounds very immature and the rest of them rather two-faced!

It’s quite funny - she clearly is a bit stupid.

Agreed -she's gone and done her own detective work to 'discover' that OP could probably afford to go out if she actually wanted to...and then goes and tells everyone that OP used lame excuses to avoid a night out with her.

My oldest DC (4) started school this month and as a Parent (part of a mums' WhatsApp group), it feels like I've gone back to school!

When things like this are organised with parents at dds school, some go out for a meal and others meet later for drinks. Maybe you could suggest you go and meet for drinks on the Christmas one?

A lot of people take I can't afford it literally and respond by trying to re-work plans to make it more affordable like @AlunWynsKnee example, or by offering to help pay as the group did initially. In reality what people often mean is I don't want to spend the money I have on that particular thing which is entirely valid but can mean others don't grasp that you are choosing not to go because you're prioritizing something else. They shouldn't feel entitled to then judge as this nasty woman has but some people can get a bit when in their mind they've found a "solution" for you and I think that's what happened here.

She's certainly shown herself to be very bitchy and judgmental but imo you'd be better off in the future saying something like "I'll give it a miss this time, I've got a lot on at the moment" rather than stating you can't afford something. It avoids people trying to "fix" what they believe to be the problem and doesn't give anyone an opportunity to start analyzing and judging your spending.

ALTHOUGH - why should you have to go to these 'mum group' things? Are they all good friends with you? If not, I wouldn't bother. There is no obligation to be involved with mums groups and they weren't around in my day or DC kids' day. They just weren't a thing. You might be friends with one or two parents at the school, but that was an individual thing, not a group thing. I would simply say I am just not a 'group' person, that socialising in large groups is not my thing, I'm just not comfortable with that, I am a bit of a homebody etc.

Jeez, this is absolutely ridiculous! So rude and so bloody immature. I'm sorry, but how dare she start gossiping about you, because you have decided you don't want to go for a night out?! You don't need an excuse. You could just say you don't fancy it and she should leave it at that. She's clearly not a friend. She sounds a bloody physco tbh!

She sounds like one to avoid op

You sound very sensible. You're entitled to have a decent car especially if you have children who need ferrying around, also reasonable living quarters. Anything else is extra and you need to budget.

I can understand why people don't like saying they can't afford stuff and make some other excuse about being unavailable. I've always believed honesty is the best policy but your post illustrates that it isn't always the case; whatever, your friend certainly should not have been talking about your finances and expenditure to others. It's really not on. Stupid person.

Never mind though, you're OK as you are

Why would you want to go out for an evening with a bitch like that ?.
Tell her next time that you didnt like her questioning why you couldnt afford to go out.
Who the hell does she think she is ?.
At least your other friends are understanding.
I would like to think they said as such to her.
And good for you for sticking to your guns.

The problem is that she is interpreting "I can't afford it" as "I'd really like to come but haven't got the money". So she is suggesting others chip in etc.

You have handled it all very badly. No need for explanations. A simple "shame I can't make it, maybe next time, have a lovely evening" is perfect. Saying you can't afford it is a bit weird and will make people feel uncomfortable. Your personal financial situation is your business. You have made it everyone else's business too with your "can't afford it" statement.

Had to decline a night out recently because of a gynae procedure. That's MY business. So sent a sorry message, not a "sorry, have just had a hysterectomy and have a scar yay long and nothing fits so going to have to pass" message.

Organise a cheap night out at the pub, but don't try to mess with a xmas night out that might already be half organised.
That way you seem sociable, keep in the loop with the nicer mums and can say again that you can't justify the xmas night out expense when there are so many other demands on your money.

You sound so sensible OP. She is a perfect bitch and not worth worrying about. Maybe she has a lot more money than you. I would tell the rest of the group she is making you feel bad because you cannot afford to go. Let one of them tell her to back off. For Christmas get in early and suggest a local takeaway and drinks and DVD at home. When I had no money when kids were small my friends and I spent one evening a month with a video we had hired and a takeaway and wine. We had a great time. I know the video shows my age . One December friends brought their kids Xmas gifts and we sat together wrapping gifts all evening. We thought it had to be done so might as well do it together with wine to keep us going.

She sounds like a massive cow but I agree that you shouldn’t have brought money up. Just say in future that you’re busy or just can’t make it. No reason.

If you mention money it makes it awkward. They then feel like they should sub you and offerthis, you reject that and they feel snubbed.

PS we even had a little play with some of the toys. The more wine we drank the funnier it got.

I think the other mums sound a bit as well. She asked them to persuade you to go along? I bet she didn’t ask them to pass on lots of bitchy comments she’s allegedly been saying about you.

People like her get a kick out of hearing how tight things are for people @Derbee how horrible those people must be! I’m sort of hoping that she’s just not understanding that I haven’t got the money, it’s like she thinks I have a choice but I don’t, the money isn’t available.

It seems that they really value friendships and you don't seem to value friendships or socialising with people. Fair enough, but just keep in mind the impact that being seen to be anti-social may have on your children

@SaraNade

I do value friendships but I have friends outside of school already and I can really only just about afford to have occasional nights out with them, there’s only so much money.
I don’t consider myself to be anti-social, but my limited income does stop me from spending loads on nights out.

There have been some lower cost suggestions that I might put forward, not for this night out coming up but certainly for the Christmas time one.

I wouldn't trust ANY of those women as far as I could throw them.