I said I couldn’t afford to go on a night out and now this

[Easyguess]

I’ll admit I very rarely go out with friends because I often can’t afford to be spending £50 at least on just me.

The way I see it is that we aren’t high earners, I’m on just over minimum wage and DP slightly more so we must budget our money accordingly, surely that’s acceptable?

I’ve been invited on a ‘mummy’s night off’ which is where a group of mum’s from DC class go out to the city centre for dinner and drinks, then on to a club afterwards.
I can’t afford to go, we just haven’t got the money spare.

So I politely declined last week, explaining that I couldn’t afford it. She replied saying ‘you can’t afford one night out?’ So I said along the lines of not at the moment but I hope they all had a great time, sort of thing.

Her ‘come out! you’ll have a fab time?!’
Me ‘as I said, I can’t afford it’
Her ‘the others can chip in for your dinner and you’ll just need to pay for drinks, how about that?’
Me ‘that’s really kind but I still couldn’t stretch to it, have a great time!’

She hasn’t responded to that.

She has however been talking to the other mum’s about me and DP and how we appear to waste our money.

I went to the school coffee morning yesterday and some of the other mum’s told me what she’s been saying.

1. She often sees us unloading ‘bags and bags of shopping’ from our car.

I can only imagine that’s the weekly or monthly shop, and Aldi, we’d have been to Aldi, we have ourselves and 3 dc to feed!
Or, perhaps she saw us returning from the school uniform shopping trip and saw some clothing bags, shoe boxes and the like?

1. We can afford a big car.

We have one, paid for, family car and it’s not high end or anything!

1. She knows ‘for a fact’ that me and my DP drink beer and wine at the weekends and thinks if we can waste money on that then I can afford a night out.

We do like a drink and choose to drink at home to save money! No babysitter, taxi etc. My wine is £5! I wonder if she knows I sometimes buy another mid-week too DP beer costs similar.

1. She’s seen on my Facebook that I ‘go out loads’

The only times we’ve been out all year have been as a family, with close friends or just me and DP. And there haven’t been many, not even once a month. Just occasionally a birthday lunch and a wedding that we went to etc.

She has come to the conclusion that I could be snubbing the mum group and tasked the mum’s attending the coffee morning to try to talk me into going.

I explained that I can’t afford it, and that even if there was £50, £60, £70+ sitting in our account, I couldn’t justify spending it on myself. Christmas is coming and we’ll really be watching our spending so we can afford our family celebrations.

Other mum’s have warned me there’s going to be a Christmas one in December, I’ll have to decline again and dread her seeing me tagged in anything on my work’s do! (Paid for in instalments over the last few months)

I do understand that it’s good to get along with the other school parents (and I do) and I will try to go along to some of the nights out but it won’t be this side of Christmas.

It’s not very nice having to justify myself like this. Why can’t I just decline and that’s it?

She's watching you at coffee mornings, watching you when you unload your shopping, she knows what car you have, what you drink at weekends, she's looked at your Facebook? Stalker. Runnnnnn!

Shes not called Caroline by any chance is she?

If she is be careful.

I think when many of us say we can't afford something we mean "that's not how I'm going to prioritise my spending". She sounds childish and pedantic not to understand that. She's only making herself look like a bit of a stalker to the other mums.

It's none of her bloody business what you choose to spend your money on,and you don't need to justify or explain anything to her. People who are over-invested in other people's financial affairs piss me right off.

This is so infuriating.

You do not need to justify yourself at all.

If you want to see the other mums can you suggest coffee and cake in a cafe before Christmas. Whoever comes, great, and if she wants to organize something different as well just say you are not free/not keen and leave it at that.

However, you do not need to go out with them and, again, you do not need to justify yourself at all.

Most of our school mums nights are just in the local pub, easier and cheaper and most people don't even come! It all fizzles out, don't worry about it. If they disrespect you, they are not worth the effort.

Why does it cost £50? Is that with food? How much would it be if it was just drinks?
I can have a night out for less than £10. (3 small glasses of wine is enough for me these days and I walk to town).

You don't have to explain yourself to her, bluntness is best with people like this. "I can't afford it Mavis, and I don't have to account for every penny of my money to you to prove why." Now piss off!

I spend my hard earned money on what l want ...that might be takeaways with the DH etc and not a night with women who sound a bit bratty . These nights always end up more expensive than planned 🙄 don’t explain just say thanks for asking but not this time. Can’t stand feeling pressured into doing something l don’t want to .

I very rarely even talk to the other mums down my DD school let alone have a group. I can’t be arsed with all the drama that comes with it. Tell her no thank you and then block her from seeing your photos so she can’t comment on them

You say even if you had £70 you wouldn’t go on the night out. So the issue isn’t that you can’t afford it, it’s that you don’t want to go. Perhaps she realises this too.

She's totally crazy why is she so concerned about your social life very strange if someone told me no to a night out I'd think that's a pity... End of story wouldn't even expect an explanation

I'm not a social butterfly and money, while we are not skint, is carefully budgeted. I wouldn't want to spend £50 on a night out with people I don't know well and the only connection is our kids are in the same year at school. However, I might choose to spend that money going out with a friend. How you prioritise your money isn't anyone else's business.

I have to say though, with the level of detail she is paying attention to your life I would be removing myself from the WhatsApp group and ensuring my Facebook profile is private and if she is on my friends list, I would remove her. That's just too much intrusion for my liking!

None of her business how you spend your money, or who you spend your time with even if you had oodles to spare.

If someone was declining because they couldn't afford, I might quietly offer to sub her (and honestly, probably expect her to refuse, and be sad that she would, even though I'd also completely understand), I certainly wouldn't think the worse of her though, and neither would any of the mums I've been out to coffee with - we've all been in tight spots, we all know that sometimes you just can't justify it, and we wouldn't take offense (even if you just didn't want to - socialising with other mums isn't obligatory!).

Try to ignore it - the other mums do sound more sane.

OP you do not need to justify yourself to this woman, or anyone for that matter. It's very awkward as she seems difficult to avoid but I'd start cutting her adrift and if she asks why say it's because she has made you feel so uncomfortable critiquing your decisions and making them about her.

She sounds like a nosey, gossipy, malicious bitch OP. You should not have to justify yourself to anyone. Who the hell does she think she is?!

Oh yeah and block her. On Facebook, everywhere.

They shouldn't be telling you imo.

Don't stress it. You can't afford it simple as.

She is rude and pushy and how you deal with her is best left to you. If it was me I would catch up with her at the school and say:

I had a very interesting conversation at the coffee morning. Can you kindly keep your assumptive comments to yourself. You don't have the inside track on my life so kindly do not comment on the inner workings of my lifestyle as you actually don't have the 1st clue.
I am very careful with my money and everything in my life is budgeted for so if I say I don't have the money it's because I dont. I very much enjoy the coffee mornings but that's where I draw the line financially.

It may be adding to fuel to the fire so it may be that now you've explained your situation to the other mums you may need no further input. But you're the best judge of that.

If you're invited to a Christmas party just say: thank you for the invite but I've already paid for my work Christmas party and I cannot afford another but I'd love to see you all for a Christmas coffee morning.

I think you're very wise to not go out with these mums. Personally I had no interest in hanging out with the school gate mafia because inevitably it always ends in drama and tears.

Keep your own counsel.

Agree that YANBU & that you should ignore the unpleasant insinuations as it’s no one else’s business.
Take a step back as they don’t seem people to socialise with!!

All you had to say was 'I can't make it, sorry. Enjoy'.

You invited a conversation by giving a response that is usually only given to very close friends.

Personally, I’d far rather they did tell me what she’d been saying, I don’t understand the posts saying they shouldn’t have told you.

‘Mums night off’ sounds like my idea of hell. I’ll do coffee, or lunch at a push, but not a night out - with the ‘school mums’. I’m good friends with a couple of them, and we socialise as friends - but not the whole ‘mums group’ no thanks.

Obviously she’s way overstepped & needs shoving back in her
Box!

I would speak to her, but it would be brief - I had a very interesting conversation at the coffee morning. How I choose to prioritise my spending is my business and nothing to do with you.

We used to meet up at people’s houses. Could you invite some Mums round to your house? Bring a bottle!
Don’t let this awful woman make you feel bad - others will get fed up of her soon.

Next time just say you can't go with no reason. That's what I do, and people at school have now stopped asking, but that was the idea. I can't afford the time to have another group of friends. They are nice people but I have enough friends and my DD doesn't play with theirs. Just ignore her