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Original poster

Sat in the car about to ruin my life

208 replies

AdvanceRegret · 23/09/2019 18:43

I've got an amazing husband and an even more amazing baby son. I had my son a few months ago and I've just gotten sadder and sadder and it's like I've hit the fuck it button. Insomnia keeps me up all night, I just feel out of control and now I'm sat outside the house of a man who is not my husband in my car and he's expecting me to go in and sleep with him and it's like I've suddenly woken up and realised what I've done. I'm so unhappy with myself not my husband and I'm about to destroy my family. I only just made this family. Even if I turn the car around and drive home it's gone too far. I'm here. That's just as bad as actually doing it. Right? What the fuck is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 24/09/2019 07:07

Hope you managed to get home safely op.

Thinking of you this morning. 💐

Sux2buthen · 24/09/2019 07:11

Hope you're ok op.

Itallt0omuch · 24/09/2019 07:14

The help is out there op. Call your gp this morning. It certainly sounds like depression in my experience, whether it's PND or just plain old depression. You can beat this. You're still there, depression is just an illness. Nothing to be scared of.

AnneKipanki · 24/09/2019 07:25

Hope you are ok this morning @AdvanceRegret .

NicolaStart · 24/09/2019 07:28

OP, I loved my baby , loved him to bits, but I just couldn’t understand what had happened to ‘me’.

I was sure I didn’t have depression because I knew what that looked like, and it wasn’t me.

Eventually, when my baby was 2, after a couple of really out of character episodes I did go to the GP. She listened and said “oh you poor thing, you have chronic depression”.

She explained that the huge hormonal and other changes of pregnancy can send your whole Chemistry out of whack, including the chemistry in your brain. She put me on a mild AD.... and I was feeling much better within 3 weeks.

You are unwell OP, not bad.

Sending you love xxxxxxxx

sockittome123 · 24/09/2019 07:28

Where do you see yourself this time next year, OP?

I'll tell you where you could be.

You could be sat on your living-room sofa browsing MN watching your little son play with his toys while your DH makes coffee for you both. You could be coming across a thread like this and thinking "God, that was me last year." And then you could be giving the exact same advice you have been given over a hundred times on this thread: call the GP, or the Samaritans, and ask for some counselling. And you could be one of the people that can say, "I was in this place, and I survived."

Please go and get some help, OP, and you'll soon realise that your posts aren't the posts of a ruthless, uncaring monster, but a loving mother who just needs a little help to get away from the real monster: PND.

Gazelda · 24/09/2019 07:58

Were still here for you OP. Anytime you need a listening ear.
But please see your GP today. And look after yourself.

Adversecamber22 · 24/09/2019 08:47

You may be due to lack of sleep be tipping in to some sort of manic episode. My Dsis experienced something like this after a bereavement. She hadn’t slept properly for months and it did something to any sort of reasoning she had, it was like she became a different person temporarily.

The good news is she is no longer suffering like this and I have no doubt you are suffering. She was referred for therapy and it helped her immensely. People telling you to distract yourself is the best thing you can do currently. Please get professional help.

peridito · 24/09/2019 09:12

@AdvanceRegret there are so many of us thinking of you and sending you love ,you are being so hard on yourself . You need support and understanding .You sound like a lovely person with a good heart .

hugs

peridito · 24/09/2019 09:15

AdvanceRegret - if you came across someone like yourself what would you say to them ?What advice would you give them ?

Orchidflower1 · 24/09/2019 13:49

Op I hope you’re having a better day today.

If you feel up to it- would be good to hear from you.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 24/09/2019 16:27

I don't think I can remember the last time I read a MN thread where EVERYONE posting is in complete agreement. That hopefully should tell you all you need to know

I loved my baby but had terrible PND. it wasn't typical, I didn't fit a lot of the signs and symptoms but I certainly did have it.

Best thing - you can and do recover.

First step : GP
Next step : tell husband what's going on.

I wish you strength and peace x

2018SoFarSoGreat · 24/09/2019 16:46

Oh OP please do see your doctor.

When much loved and wanted DS was 6 weeks, I up and left. I'd been having this constant feeling of sadness, and every time I looked at him I would think "this is so sad' - no idea what really, but that's what I felt. I finally put my coat on and left. Took a bus; no idea where it was going. Got off and walked for a bit. Finally went into a cafe and had coffee and banana cream pie. I don't even like banana cream pie! I sat there for a couple of hours, then got up and went home.

It was in the days before cell phones, and my poor DH was utterly frantic.

PND was not as much recognized then, so did not see a doctor, but clearly that is what it was. I wish I had sought help. You need to do that. Please. For you and for your lovely family. Flowers

L0bstersLass · 24/09/2019 18:25

Have been thinking about you all day OP. I hope that you're safe.

Bazie · 24/09/2019 21:27

PND is quite possibly the worst of all depression. You have a new beautiful baby that you love and adore yet you yourself are broken. The numbness, the guilt, the 'I can't do this'. Days can often be darker than some peoples nights. Sleep deprivation is torture and only makes everything 100 times worse. Its almost impossible to see that things will get better. But believe me, they really do. You've made the first most important step be asking for help and advice here. Yes, we are a bunch of strangers but sometimes thats the best place to start. Easier than telling a loved one how low you are feeling. Please, please get some help. Samaritans, GP, Perinatal Mental Health Team, (they are amazing) steps to well-being - although they tend to have a waiting list into next year.
I truely hope you are alright, home and safe with your family. I know things are extremely difficult for you at present, but like a lot of people on your thread, I'm genuinely concerned for you. If you can, please let us know you are safe and ok.
If you like, private message me. If you live near me I am more than happy to meet you and give you any help and support I can. Even if you just want to rant or a shoulder to cry on. I have been where you are now and got through it. You can too. Sending you lots of love and best wishes. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you 💐

Orchidflower1 · 25/09/2019 15:26

💐for you op. Hope you’re feeling stronger today.

Original poster
AdvanceRegret · 30/09/2019 11:52

Firstly can I just say thank you to all of you for the advice and kind words. That night was the lowest I ever felt and I read everything that night but have been too ashamed to click back on to it since so have been avoiding the thread.

There was a horrible few days after I first posted this but I did listen to the advice and seek help. I was adamant I was just an arsehole but my gp diagnosed severe pnd. I've started medication and I'm hoping to start feeling better soon. My DH has taken a few weeks off work to keep me company so we're having some lovely relaxed days with our baby. I still feel almost disconnected from everything and my life still doesn't feel like mine, I'm hoping the medication will help that. It's a surreal feeling and not one that I like.

Anyway, thank you all. I had no idea that depression could manifest itself in this way and would never of sought help without this thread. I'm still battling with whether to tell dh where I went that night, but I'm so scared of ruining our family when I'm trying to get better so that I can truly enjoy it.

Sorry it took so long to post. I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming still. But thanks.

OP posts:
Bunnyhop1502 · 30/09/2019 11:56

Hi OP. Well done on seeking the help you need. You aren’t alone as you can see from this thread! Just wanted to say that I was like this with my first DC to the point I had a secret bag packed and was going to run away. I started on sertraline and all is well now. I went on to have a second without a trace of PND too so there is always hope. Have a great day with baby and DH.

Original poster
AdvanceRegret · 30/09/2019 11:57

Thanks bunny. That's the medication I have been put on. I hope it works for me too. Thank you

OP posts:
Happyspud · 30/09/2019 11:59

Go home. Your family needs you. This man just wants to use you. Your thoughts etc are private. Your actions are not. So don’t take action here.

Happyspud · 30/09/2019 12:00

Ah just saw update! Glad to hear you got help!

zafferana · 30/09/2019 12:20

So glad you went to see your GP and have been put on medication OP. I'm also pleased to hear that your DH has taken a leave of absence from work. Don't feel you have to tell him about the other night - you were in the depths of a horrible depression, so be kind to yourself Flowers

peachgreen · 30/09/2019 12:21

So glad things are looking up for you, OP. I promise it gets better from here on in.

Fairenuff · 30/09/2019 12:23

I wouldn't tell him just yet OP. Give your medication time to kick in properly and see how you feel. You didn't do anything wrong. Like I said, we all have fantasies but thinking about it is not the same as doing it.

Soola · 30/09/2019 12:23

It takes a lot of strength to turn back from a situation like that so well done. Wishing you every peace and happiness for the future.