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Original poster

Sat in the car about to ruin my life

208 replies

AdvanceRegret · 23/09/2019 18:43

I've got an amazing husband and an even more amazing baby son. I had my son a few months ago and I've just gotten sadder and sadder and it's like I've hit the fuck it button. Insomnia keeps me up all night, I just feel out of control and now I'm sat outside the house of a man who is not my husband in my car and he's expecting me to go in and sleep with him and it's like I've suddenly woken up and realised what I've done. I'm so unhappy with myself not my husband and I'm about to destroy my family. I only just made this family. Even if I turn the car around and drive home it's gone too far. I'm here. That's just as bad as actually doing it. Right? What the fuck is wrong with me?

OP posts:

Dovetale · 23/09/2019 20:44

I agree with the suggestion by SandraOhshair that you call the Samaritans, please do it right now on 116 123 its free and confidential. Then go home and in the morning get an emergency appointment with your GP. You can turn this around.

CarysRed · 23/09/2019 20:44

You’ve done the right thing by not going in. You are not a bad person, we all have bad thought and you’ve done good by realising that you shouldn’t sleep with this man and walked away. Go home and book an appointment with the GP

hidinginthenightgarden · 23/09/2019 20:45

Go home and tell your husband that you think you have PND. From your description it really does sound like it. You can love your baby but struggle with the changes they bring.
Where does your husband think you are?

OhBigHairyBollocks · 23/09/2019 20:45

Oh OP.

Things sound really tough right now.

But you made the first bit-- you drove away. You didn't go in. Now drive home and go to bed. Tomorrow morning see your GP.

I'm sorry that things are so hard. The deafening silence is horrendous and it can be a lonely lonely place in the middle of the night.

You can talk to us though, and there's plenty of lines you can call.
But first drive home safely. You didn't go in. Don't worry about explaining.. You just went for a drive. Xxx

Spintops · 23/09/2019 20:51

This is the kind of thing you need to chat over with a counsellor. It's the kind of thoughts people have and think they're best kept under wraps, so they never share them, they build up and then one day we explode or do something stupid.

The hardest step is opening up for the first time to the people that matter most in this scenario (i.e you - be honest with yourself, and your husband). Don't self-destruct. Poor communication is the downfall of most broken relationships; family, friends or partners. As soon as you start being open and honest you will feel such a freedom. Right now you're struggling with guilt and that's only going to manifest and grow ugly if you don't get it out.

Well done for not going in. That's huge.
Go home. Tell your husband you're struggling but just want to go to bed and you'll talk about it tomorrow. Tomorrow you can write down how you're feeling and talk things over when you've worked things out in your head.

popsadaisy · 23/09/2019 20:52

I love my LG more than life itself but I still had PND. Just because you love them and would do anything for them it doesn't mean you don't have PND. See this as a positive - the push to make you go and get some help and talk to your husband. You haven't done anything wrong. Be kind to yourself.

Theworldisfullofgs · 23/09/2019 20:55

OP, talk to your dh if you can. Having a baby is such a huge change and a change of identity. It's hard even with a much wanted baby.
What you wrote made me think of my dh when we had our first child he nearly fucked it up completely. He had a really dysfunctional family and just couldn't get his head around it or how to be a parent. Was kind of on self destruct. We're still together 17 years on so it's possible to get through it. It changed us but not necessarily for the worse and we've been through plenty of tough times since and we got there. He's a great parent he just had to learn to do it from scratch as his tole models were crap.
Talk to your dh and try to be kind to yourself.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 23/09/2019 20:55

I loved both DSs more than life itself, but I had crippling PND with both of them. Please go home, hug them both, tell your husband that you can't talk about it right now and get to your GP or HV tomorrow.

Parttimewasteoftime · 23/09/2019 20:56

You have done nothing wrong you didn't go in. Please talk to someone anyone in rl you need help. Having a baby is tough esp on no sleep. Stay safe and go home to your family.

AnneKipanki · 23/09/2019 20:57

Where are you now ? @AdvanceRegret

letsdolunch321 · 23/09/2019 20:57

Where does your dh think you have been this evening?

Amara123 · 23/09/2019 20:58

Is almost certainly PND which can manifest with a lot of anxiety.
You need help. Go to those who love you and ask for it. It's very treatable and not unexpected (commoner in women with history of infertility).
Phone your GP tomorrow first thing and get an appointment asap.
You will get better, just need to take a step towards that.

DramaAlpaca · 23/09/2019 20:59

I'm not great with advice, and others have given fantastic advice above, but I'm going to send you a big virtual because I think that you need one.

I do think from what you say that you might have PND. I've been there, it's horrible. I got help & I got better. You will too

TokyoSushi · 23/09/2019 20:59

Oh OP, this sounds really hard, and very much like PND.

Go home lovely, and go to the GP in the morning, you can get through this

AnneKipanki · 23/09/2019 21:01

Lack of sleep, PND .. please see someone.

glitterbiscuits · 23/09/2019 21:01

You can have PNC and love your baby.
Go home. New day tomorrow.

AloneLonelyLoner · 23/09/2019 21:03

Oh love, listen to the women here. Please. You are exhausted and overwhelmed. You've done nothing wrong. What you've done is beat yourself up for being exhausted and overwhelmed. You deserve your beautiful family and they deserve and need you. They need you whole and healthy.

Go home to them. Hold your baby.
Go to the doctor in the Morgan's get help for sleeping and tell them about this because this almost certainly PND. I have been there. I used to sob sat on the side of my son's bed while he slept, because I felt I was a shit mum. I wasn't.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 23/09/2019 21:03

Op - here is what you did.

You went for a drive and you posted on mumsnet about how you have terrible insomnia and are feeling far sadder than you should considering you have a lovely husband and a wonderful baby.

Lots of the (screechy / bitter / man hating / zoflora obsessed / actually quite nice) women said that they think you may have PND.

You have thought about this and although you are not convinced you are going to make a doctors appointment just in case.

Not lying. Actively working to make life better for you, your son and your husband.

nocoolnamesleft · 23/09/2019 21:05

Each post you make is screaming more loudly than the one before that you do have PND. You are ill. And despite that, you found the will power to not go in, to not make that mistake. You managed that first step. The next step is to ask for real life help. Which you need. And deserve. Tonight, get safely back home. Tomorrow, see your GP.

stepmumandmumtobe · 23/09/2019 21:06

Dear OP,

Please,

You do need to recognize that you do have a problem and you do NEED help. Everyone here advising and relating with you on some level is what you need to understand and believe that people are NOT perfect and things happen. What is important that you get help and get better mentally and physically so that you can enjoy the life you build for your DS with your DH.

Please talk to your DH. You said yourself that he is lovely. He will do everything to understand and help you. If you think you need someone else other than him, share it with your good friend or any family? You can't keep everything bottled up.

You haven't let anyone down. Your DS needs you and you know where you belong, with him and your DH, not at some random man's driveway.

It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to be imperfect. It is okay to make mistakes (as long as you can contain them). Now that you have made a U-turn, go home and speak your heart out and seek for help that will make your life easier.

Goodluck

kikiatari · 23/09/2019 21:07

You sound exactly like I did only a few months ago, feeling like they'd be better off without you. Please please go home, and please ask for help. I promise you they need you, you've not done anything wrong, you can stop feeling like this with a little help.

SocialAwks · 23/09/2019 21:08

Totally agree, very sound advice from @mumoftwoyoungkids
Please take note OP, you can get help, if will get better even if it doesn't seem possible now

AnotherEmma · 23/09/2019 21:12

Please call Samaritans 116 123 If you can't face going home, or going to stay with a friend or relative, how about a cheap hotel or b&b if there is one near you? Have you contacted your husband at all, does he know you are safe? If he is likely to be worrying about you could you just send him a text to tell him you're ok?

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 23/09/2019 21:13

This is Brief Encounter for the modern age.
She wrestled with herself just like you are.

I hope you have been able to drive away OP.

MNHQ

FlissMumsnet · 23/09/2019 21:15

Hi AdvanceRegret,

We are glad you've posted looking for support - we're really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like yours are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Keep posting, if you feel up to it; there is plenty of support and compassion for you here.

We hope things look a lot brighter for you very soon.

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