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Original poster

Sat in the car about to ruin my life

208 replies

AdvanceRegret · 23/09/2019 18:43

I've got an amazing husband and an even more amazing baby son. I had my son a few months ago and I've just gotten sadder and sadder and it's like I've hit the fuck it button. Insomnia keeps me up all night, I just feel out of control and now I'm sat outside the house of a man who is not my husband in my car and he's expecting me to go in and sleep with him and it's like I've suddenly woken up and realised what I've done. I'm so unhappy with myself not my husband and I'm about to destroy my family. I only just made this family. Even if I turn the car around and drive home it's gone too far. I'm here. That's just as bad as actually doing it. Right? What the fuck is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 23/09/2019 21:17

Op please come back and tell us you’re ok? Go to a supermarket cafe and call a friend if you don’t want to talk to your dh.

There is nothing that can’t be fixed

Sneezewitch · 23/09/2019 21:18

You know what the worst thing is about depression/anxiety? Feeling like you are beyond help. Because it has become who you are.

But this is not who you are. All your hopes, what you wanted for your family, the things you’ve fought for and earned-they’re all still there. And you can get help. Go home OP, and call the doctor in the morning x

user764329056 · 23/09/2019 21:21

I want to hit the ‘fuck it’ button so often as it feels too hard sometimes just to keep doing the next right thing but then I play it forward and see the after effects of recklessness and somehow I stay on track. I know you are hurting now but the pain of destruction is immense, breathe, cry, let it out, talk to someone you trust and feel safe with?

WelshMoth · 23/09/2019 21:21

Adding my voice OP.
You just need to show your GP
what you've written. You're not well and you need support.
Sleep deprivation is torturous. It affects your thinking, your decision making. You need to sleep, even if it means getting help to do so.

You have our overwhelming support here. Too much for you to take in, but we are ALL behind you. Go home. Tell your DH that you are struggling and that you will be seeing your GP tomorrow.

You have done nothing wrong.
You are stronger than you think.
Things will get better.

Please respond. Thanks

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 23/09/2019 21:23

You know what the worst thing is about depression/anxiety? Feeling like you are beyond help. Because it has become who you are.
What I found was that I didn't think I could possibly have anything wrong with me, I was just a shit, selfish human being, not to be happy and content with what I had. I thought I must be terribly defective to be verging on suicidal with a new baby, when everyone was telling me how lucky I was. It took me years to realise that I was ill, not horrible. And once I spoke to my GP and got treatment, my life changed completely.

StrumpersPlunkett · 23/09/2019 21:26

@AdvanceRegret
There are no negative judgements from anyone here. Keep talking to us. You are your family can make it past this point.
We can hold onto hope for you if you don’t feel any.

AgathaF · 23/09/2019 21:30

You've done the right thing, turned around and driven off.

It is so very likely that you have PND. That is nothing to do with how much you love your baby, or your husband. You need to speak to your GP and get some treatment. It is treatable and the sooner you can start on treatment, the sooner you will start to feel better and more like you again.

Please, drive home. Tell your husband how wretched you feel, and that you will speak to your GP tomorrow and ask for help. And then, please go to the surgery and get that help. Lots of women have suffered this and come out the other side recovered, and you can too with treatment and support.

zafferana · 23/09/2019 21:31

You really sound on the edge OP.

Please call the Samaritans if you don't feel able to go home at the moment. They will listen and they won't judge.

You haven't done anything wrong! You drove away!

You know that things aren't right and you're reaching out for help, which is the right thing to do.

Please don't give up Flowers. Your DS loves and needs you.

Get help for your feelings of hopelessness. Given your infertility journey feelings like this are not uncommon and don't make you a bad mother. You've just lost yourself a bit and you're desperately tired, by the sound of it. Go and see your GP tomorrow and tell him/her everything. There IS help out there, I promise.

Ninkaninus · 23/09/2019 21:36

This likely is PND. It doesn’t always manifest in the way you think - you don’t have to feel disconnected from your baby in order to be suffering with it.

Nothing has happened - you haven’t failed anyone, you haven’t ruined anything, you haven’t let yourself down.

Fancying sex with someone you used to sleep with doesn’t make you a bad person.

Echobelly · 23/09/2019 21:46

OP, you haven't fucked it, I agree with others you can say you were exhausted and overwhelmed and felt you had to get away, because basically that's what happened. You can be as upset as you like in front of DH and he's not going to press you any further than that.

1Wildheartsease · 23/09/2019 21:47

Listen to the wise ones above ..,and note their(unusual ) agreement.

You are poorly and need help ASAP.

You are not letting anyone down and your family is not better without you. Thinking such negative things about yourself is the illness talking.

Get help- don't be ashamed. Lots of us have been where you are and know that there is light and life ahead. Do not give up,

Mummyto2munchkins · 23/09/2019 21:58

Hand hold op Flowers

Gazelda · 23/09/2019 21:58

You've done something great this evening. You've started talking.
Please take the next step - get an emergency GP appointment and tell them about your insomnia. Let them help you take it from there. You owe it to yourself. You deserve sleep.
We're all here for you. Not judging you. Wishing you heaps of support.

Orchidflower1 · 23/09/2019 21:59

Op it would be lovely to hear from you. I hope you’re safe.

Tomorrow is a new day but the first to getting you back to yourself again.

Brenna24 · 23/09/2019 22:04

You do deserve them and they are lucky to have you. Right now your poor body and mind have taken a massive beating and you need to go to the Dr tomorrow and get more help. Up the antidepressants if you are in, put you on them if not, send you to counselling. Years of infertility is one of many factors that predisposes you to developing PND, lack of family support/poor family upbringing another and it is an awful illness that whispers horrible things about you in your own ear. But it can be treated and will pass. One day you will be able to sleep, eat and really live and love your life. For now, survive it. And fight back. Even if you don't mean it yet, tell yourself that you deserve that beautiful family all the more for having had to fight for it pre and post birth. Fake it until you make it (I hate that expression but it fits here).

EskiVodkaCranberry · 23/09/2019 22:07

You've got this Thanks

highheelsandbobblehats · 23/09/2019 22:13

Here for you @AdvanceRegret.

I hope that you're home safe now. I think that @Mumoftwoyoungkids post at 21:03 is perfect. You went for a drive and you asked for help.

Adding my voice to the collective suggesting that you make a GP appointment to talk. Could be PND, could be something else entirely. But sometimes it's good just to talk.

I was in a dark place this time last year. I felt like I was screwing up my entire family. I couldn't cope with anything. I went to the GP, walked into his office and broke down. The first words out of my mouth were 'I'm losing my mind'. It was the best thing I ever did. A year on, I'm a million miles from that person. Help is there. Please take it. You are not a failure. You are not alone.

inthekitchensink · 23/09/2019 22:14

Let the GP assess the likelihood of PND. S/he will give you a questionnaire to fill out - do so honestly. I had PND and I was massively in love with my daughter, but still needs help as was blank and numb and low about everything else. Let the experts help please

L0bstersLass · 23/09/2019 23:26

So pleased you listened to the advice and didn't go in. And that you drove some distance away.
I'm hoping with all my heart that you now take the advice to get some help. There are wise words here from people that know more than I do stating that you can love your baby with all your heart, yet still need help and support.
Please go home and please make an appointment with your GP to discuss how knackered you are and how you're feeling generally.
Thinking of you.

Hopingtobeamum · 23/09/2019 23:34

Hey, you're already stronger than you realise. You didn't go in...sending big hugs x

Blamangeme · 23/09/2019 23:38

Hope you're OK OP. Don't beat yourself up. Basically you went for a drive. That's it. You've done nothing wrong. You were strong you resisted the urge for comfort elsewhere. You need to perhaps talk to your husband about your feelings (not about this man from the past as he's irrelevant). Take care OP. We're all thinking of you.

JackieandWilson · 23/09/2019 23:50

@Mumoftwoyoungkids has the right advice. Sending lots of love OP Flowers

LemonPrism · 23/09/2019 23:59

You're quite unwell love, and sleep deprivation makes even the best people insane. Go to the GP, talk to your husband. Things can be better

Straysocks · 24/09/2019 00:06

You are not alone. Everyone can relate. That means it is not just you. One thing at a time ... Acknowledge that these are not the kind of thoughts you would expect. Something else is at play. Truly. It is not you. You might only see this later on so take it on trust for now. You can get help. Your family need you. You need you. You will feel differently. It will be ok now you have realised these are not your usual thoughts. Break everything down into very small chunks. GPs and HVs should have their antennas out for this. Thinking of you

Polkadotdelight · 24/09/2019 06:55

Please make an appointment to see your GP today and if you can't see anyone then please contact your health visitor. I agree with everyone, you do sound like you may have PND, I've had pnd and although everyone's experience of it will probably be different I think we would all say that it is awful. You don't have to live with it and you can get help. Don't let it steal the early months of your newborn like it did to me. As for last night, be kind to yourself, I don't believe there was any real intention there my lovely. I suspect that the thought of reliving an old flame and escaping your current situation, even if just for a few hours was another symptom of your PND - you came to your senses, you didn't do it and it needs to be the trigger for you to seek help. You've got this.

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