Sat in the car about to ruin my life

[AdvanceRegret]

I've got an amazing husband and an even more amazing baby son. I had my son a few months ago and I've just gotten sadder and sadder and it's like I've hit the fuck it button. Insomnia keeps me up all night, I just feel out of control and now I'm sat outside the house of a man who is not my husband in my car and he's expecting me to go in and sleep with him and it's like I've suddenly woken up and realised what I've done. I'm so unhappy with myself not my husband and I'm about to destroy my family. I only just made this family. Even if I turn the car around and drive home it's gone too far. I'm here. That's just as bad as actually doing it. Right? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Go home now. You're wrong it's totally worse if you go into the house.

I'm not outside his house anymore. I drove for nearly an hour into the middle of nowhere. I just can't go home. They both deserve better and I can't look them in the eyes and lie about where I've been. I've totally fucked it

Oh sweetheart you’ve not acted on the chance to go in.

You’ve done nothing wrong but you are seriously sleep deprived. Go and see your GP/HV tomorrow we can’t diagnose anything without talking to you properly but the numbness could be something that needs working through properly.

You’re doing a great job with you lo from what you’ve said. Be kind to yourself. 🍫🍶☕️

Letting your son down would be swanning off and doing whatever you want without a care for your family. This isn't what your doing OP. Your husband and son were at the forefront of your mind before anything else, even when you aren't thinking straight. If anything your husband is lucky to have someone who is getting up every day despite having no sleep, no energy and no self confidence, and loving his son with all that you have, caring for him on a daily basis and just being an amazing mum. You just need a chat to a GP, a counsellor or even your husband. A hot bath, and a good long uninterrupted sleep. You are wonder woman. Don't beat yourself up over something you never did in the first place. Lots of love to you and your beautiful family x

Hey, you're a human being that's just normal. There is no 'perfect' in this world. It sounds like you need some real life support, but don't be so down on yourself. You've done nothing wrong.
My only advice is to go to your gp.

That absolutely does sound like PND. Please talk to someone about how you feel.

You haven't totally fucked it. It sounds like you need some help you're not in the right frame of mind.

Go home and get some rest, tomorrow you might be able to think a little more clearly,

I think you should get some counselling ASAP and work through your issues.

I've tried it and it helps massively when you aren't thinking logically Xx

NO, you haven’t fucked anything

You are not well. At all. And the bottom line is that you need help and love and support

You can do this. You need to get home, tell your husband that you need his help and get to the GP ASAP x

You've not fucked it. You're here, and you want to change how you feel. You've got loads of people behind you to support you. Anyone you can speak to in real life? Or even the samaritans. They speak to anyone who needs a chat about anything. X

If you DIDNT go back that would be a problem but you can go home. There is nothing from today that can’t be fixed. Please call you dh - he may be worried or go to a trusted friend.

It's ok, go home to your loved ones

Op I loved my son so bloody much I spent the first 5 years thinking I was letting him down. To scared to get help because I was a teen mother so obviously I wasn't going to be a good one to the world. Well he's 14 now and he loves me and I have had ups and down but he doesn't care because I'm with him and always do my best by him.
I never let him down I let my self down but putting to much on me and over thinking.

What your feeling is strong and overwhelming but it isn't fact it's emotional.

Back home I meant

You haven’t. Go home, go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

You haven't let your son down, because you realised in time what you were about to do and didn't. You showed great awareness.

PND is stereotyped as not loving the baby, wishing s/he hadn't been born, but honestly that's cobblers. PND is a chemical imbalance in your brain, it's your hormones all over the place. And how that shows itself is different for everyone. I'd also suggest that your brain isn't coping with the relief of finally having a child. You've had that stress of wanting a baby for so long, wondering if it would ever happen, and now the stress is over (for now - you may go through it again if you want another child), your brain hasn't got to grips with the new situation. So it's everything you ever wanted, but it's also overwhelming.

Please don't try to find some sort of peace or escape in another man's bed. Go home, cuddle your baby and your DH, say a silent prayer that you woke up in time, and make an appointment with the doctor asap. Your brain is scrambled, and there's absolutely nothing wrong, and no sense of failure, in asking for help to unscramble it. And then you'll be in a state to enjoy the family you've created, knowing that you were strong enough not to throw it away.

(I wonder - was part of your thinking that if you slept with this man you'd wreck things so totally you'd have to walk away, that you'd have an escape route?)

Sounds exactly like pnd to me. It's not about any negative feelings towards your baby, I had pnd and never felt anything negative towards mine. But I did feel like I wasn't good enough for them, didn't deserve them and that they'd be better off without me - that's not real, it's the pnd making you feel like that.
Go home. Even if you are a bad person (and I don't think you are), you're still your babies favourite person by miles and he needs you.
You don't have to lie, you went for a drive and a think and concluded you probably need to speak to a dr. That's all true.
Just get home and get help. Everything will be ok. Go and cuddle your baby.

Your insomnia and sleep deprivation is making you ill. You can get help.

Hope you left @OP and book yourself an emergency GP appointment to get some care and antidepressants xxx

Go home, via a coffee shop if you need, then you can say you just needed a break and went for coffee. Which is exactly what you did.

Get an appt with your GP tomorrow and see how they can help. You might need a sleep aid or b vitamins or just someone to talk too.

Its not uncommon to get PND after infertility of whatever sort.
Trying for a long time for a baby is very traumatic.

Sometimes when you have a baby you can almost feel like you've done wrong, got something you shouldn't have , feel guilty etc. It's weird but it can make you feel like that. It can cause PTSD or and PND.

Please go to your HV or GP and say how you feel. You are not the only one and it can be helped to go away.

Be kind to yourself.

If this isn’t pnd I will eat my hat.

You need to see your gp ASAP & go home.

You don't have to lie, just say you went for a drive, it's true! Please go home, say things are a bit much right now but you've realised you need to see the gp. Then please do that! I bet it's bloody hormones. They made me think I didn't deserve my little family, and I made plans to get a flat by myself and leave them, until I realised I wasn't thinking straight. I saw my gp the next day. Please do the same! It's not you I promise

What you say is that you went for an emergency GP appointment at a random surgery, and then fell asleep due to lack of sleep then say they've asked you to book another one for tomorrow xxx

Well done, you turned round.

Please go and see the GP or your health visitor. It sounds like you have PND, you’re being very hard on yourself. You need some support

Have you got a friend you can call to come and meet you? You can talk through everything and she can help take you home when you’re ready