MN Beginners Guide.

[SeaSaltandLime]

• A isn't a good thing.
• You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
• If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.

If that object is moving, you must poke it.

• You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
• Any parking threads must include a diagram.
• Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
• You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

Don't begin with "Hi Ladies".

Check that it hasn't been "done to death" before. Examples include shoes on or off, loo brushes, workmen using your toilet, seats in coffee shops, cats shitting in your garden.

Don't start threads about "what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you": they don't end well.

If it looks unbelievable it probably is.
Trolls don’t just post about the usual stuff anymore eg twins, husband having affair etc but weird shit like peeing and pooing. Nappies seem to be the topic of choice atm.

Learn the difference between ringing 111 and 101.

Nobody on MN can't tell you if you are pregnant or not.

MN Talk does not need a 'Like' button. The clue is in the name.

A true MN thread must include someone fuming / raging and suggesting you give your head a wobble

Don't start posts by saying "I asked my Husband and he said...".
Nobody cares, Brenda.

Fumming surely, Aunty?

Saying "why are non-parents on MUMSnet?!" will never end well for you.

@-ing a user can either be great or the worst thing ever.

You will never know until you do it.

You must LTB immediately or call the police. Now

• Salads can only ever be HUGE

- You must be able to eat no more than half a grape before being so full you feel sick. - All food must be clearly described as home made /from scratch / healthy / organic/ farm shop (minimum 3 of 5 listed) - If you ever have a McDonalds or similar fast food, you must carefully emphasise how ragingly rare and unusual this is. - Prepare for virtual Armageddon if you ever let children have it. - In the same vein, your children don’t even know what chocolate or crisps are, because they came out of the womb asking for home-made hummus and raw carrot sticks.

"you sound controlling" is appropriate for any situation where somebody slightly (or even light heartedly) questions their partner's extremely dubious/selfish/idiotic actions.

Talking of which, you must put "light hearted" or else people will think you were deadly serious about leaving the whole bastard family stranded on the M5 hard shoulder, while you drive off with two fingers out the window, and singing Don't Stop Me Now by Queen.

Thank you flibberty multi-tasking ...... 😄

Don't call grown women either girls or ladies

Do remember that 'D' also stands for Dickbrained

Don't use hubs, hun etc. Yes, we all know it's inconsistent and unjustifiable, but it's part of the language of a site that exists only in words, and it matters. Shared slang binds communities together.

Do remember that the reason for the championing of clear, standard English (and loathing of text speak) is rooted in concern for those who are dyslexic, do not have English as their first language to use assistive technology to access the site. And on same note, no emojis is thread titles as it buggers up display for some users of assistive tech

Use paragraphs and don’t waffle.

Don’t refer to the women you are hoping will respond to your thread as “mummies”.

If you are one of the 99.9% of the population who doesn’t like vomit, you are an emetophobe.
If you are one of the 99.9% of people who don’t much like hearing people eat or other annoying noises, you have misophonia
If you mention anything else, it’s a sign of autism
If you mention anything else about someone older than you, it’s a sign of dementia

If you want to be taken remotely seriously don’t have a username with a woman’s name for example Becky31031999.

If you have ever so much as glanced at the wine aisle in the supermarket you are a raging alcoholic.

If you smoke you are filthy, vile and disgusting.

Nurses are sacrosanct, teachers are cunts. Or the other way round. Not sure. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Brilliant use of the extra things on qwerty @Slightaggrandising
I suppose I cannot be taken remotely seriously ...@NoSauce. Will it help if I move in closer ?

You have to post on feminism and prepare to be flamed. ( at least once )

Any serious problems "have a spa day"

Any friend that has done anything annoying "send a breezy text"

Sending "unMunsnetty hugs" is so often said that hugs seem very Munsnetty now

Or even Mumsnet (sorry - need my glasses on)

-If you are a man you should keep it to yourself. Nobody cares, it does not give you special status.

You should always check with mumsnet before you consider going to A&E, even if your leg has fallen off or something. In many cases a poster’s friend’s cousin may have had something similar one time, so that poster can advise you to pop a plaster on it and maybe see a pharmacist if you’re still worried in the morning.