MN Beginners Guide.

[SeaSaltandLime]

• A isn't a good thing.
• You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
• If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.

If that object is moving, you must poke it.

• You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
• Any parking threads must include a diagram.
• Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
• You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

I liked that one too.

I have noticed that I use a hell of lot more emojis (often in lieu of the words "light hearted") since being on MN because sometimes people seem unable to see a joke without a lot of signalling.

Or just that you're casually saying something without it being life or death.

ODFOD is the insult of choice for many a MN'er.

OH was quite put out because I misread that, thought I may be missing a trick and went and sprayed insecticide over him in an erotic fashion

In RL, I have just tidied up my side of the bedroom (approx 2' x 3' not a stealth boast). And I have discovered:

• Clothes ranging from size 8 - size 22 (in styles that are so old they've come into fashion and out again at least twice)
• My wedding dress
• The cat that went missing c.1992
• Several species of insect
• Several coins which are not accepted as legal tender any more
• A couple of civilizations and most excitingly of all, despite me having accused him of stealing them all and causing me to threaten to LTB many times; that I actually own more socks than it's going to be possible for me to wear during the rest of my lifetime, unless i live to be 145.

Should I start a light-hearted thread in Chat to this affect and expect people to share the amusement?

@RainingFrogsAndHats definitely do not start the thread.

You'll be slated.
Called a slattern, filthy, vile.
You'll be told that you're ancestors are ashamed of you.
You'll be diagnosed with depression and anxiety before you've even hit send!

But don't you dare! use any cleaning products in that room, nor the hoover - because climate change.

In fact, your room being that messy is a cause of climate change alone. You're creating a hole in the ozone.

(

Don't, for any reason, start a thread about a random note, letter, picture... turning up at your home unless you've hard photographic evidence to prove yourself.
It should be labelled, colour coded and cross referenced.
Add in a diagram for extra points.

Unless MNers can see evidence you'll be immediately declared a troll and banished to the fluffy place with the tickers.

If you mention that you're naturally thin you'll be told that you don't exist.

The average MNer doesn't ever see a woman smaller than an 8-10. If you happen to smaller than that, you aren't real.

If a visitor to your home poos in your toilet (you'll definitely know if they do) you must throw them out and ban them from your property immediately.

Then throw the whole bathroom away.

A toilet should never be used for its actual purpose. Think of the poo particles!

It isn't possible to be a MNer who is expected to host or be a guest at any part of any Christmas celebration (or any event in December) and NOT post a thread up complaining how awful everyone is and how miserable you are.

experiencing joy of any sort is a crime against humanity. Especially if this is on your birthday.

After 3 months, you can post on the sex thread but you might want to name change for that .

Post the word "trigger " in your title but only if it is about Only Fools And Horses.

I haven't had time to RTFT so broken rule number one to start with but in mumsnetworld it is impossible to survive an affair !
All marriages must be finished immediately because once a cheat always a cheat !

In RL I know several that have survived and been much stronger in the long term .

Post on a thread which has been running for a few days with a well thought out yet witty riposte oblivious to the fact that this comment has been repeated from the second post onwards. I give you "cancel the cheque".

House Guest Threads

These always go one way, and one way only.

House Guests are reprehensible bastards who should never have been invited in the first place.

It was your own fault if they spray-tanned your walls with the words Jemima is a Bitch as you knew they were psychos before you foolishly issued the invitation.

House Guests Threads attract a large number of responses, all saying the same thing.

Do bear in mind that the main reason why MNetters despise house guests is that the guests always shit in your toilet and use your towels.

These are both crimes against humanity.

As soon as the sun peeps out from behind a cloud, in around February, you ensure that no square millimetre of bare skin is exposed to the sun. Shade is of course the best option, wherever you are and whatever you are doing you must stay in the shade, and also long sleeves/trousers, even if it's boiling hot, and a huge hat. Kids up to the age of 15 should wear full arm and leg length UV suits at all times on holiday.

If these things are not possible, then Factor 50 at a minimum should be spread over all exposed bits and reapplied every hour on the hour. Suncream isn't the best option obviously because chemicals innit, and also the sprays don't work because the SPF particles are too big to go through the nozzle and get left in the bottom (yes, I did read this on a suncream thread once! 😂)

No matter what your skin tone, no matter how easily you tan, any change of colour at all is SUN DAMAGE and highly dangerous. If you have an olive skinned child and you leave their skin exposed to the sun for long enough for melanin to be produced in even the most minute quantity then they also have SUN DAMAGE and you have condemned them to a fate of inevitable skin cancer.

It's actually best to read and not post, in particular don't start your own thread . I only joined for help with Puzzle Donkey (anyone here played?) and got sucked into the void.

and also the sprays don't work because the SPF particles are too big to go through the nozzle and get left in the bottom (yes, I did read this on a suncream thread once!)

no words.

House Guests are reprehensible bastards who should never have been invited in the first place.

It's actually best to read and not post, in particular don't start your own thread

………. unless you have a very thick skin and do not mind being thoroughly trounced, insulted and bullied.

If your dp cycles for fun just say so. The only hobby that will really out you is box collecting. And to be honest nobody wants to admit that their dp is a cat

Jump to conclusions always, regardless of how one sided the story is and the other person has no idea they are being castigated on MN. Especially if the other person is male and has no chance to air his views, which even if he did he would be kicked from here to hell and back. A man is never right, ever.

Some of the recent threads on MN right are incredulous and outright crazy.

Another thing to remember, make sure you have a brick wall to hand at all times. You will need it to bang your head off multiple times.

Don't write abusive messages or they will be deleted.

(see above)