MN Beginners Guide.

[SeaSaltandLime]

• A isn't a good thing.
• You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
• If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.

If that object is moving, you must poke it.

• You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
• Any parking threads must include a diagram.
• Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
• You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

Don't post on AIBU and assume anybody's going to agree with you.

Be prepared to defend yourself robustly, or concede utterly.

Do NOT have a go at anyone giving you advice.

Step parents are usually wrong.

It's fine to swear.

It's fine to swear

Oh my god yes! I can’t be doing with all of these “f**k” and “w%#$€r” things. Either swear, or don’t swear. In a similar vein, all the fake coyness about saying things like “vulva” and “penis” and “sex”. It’s a fair assumption that most people reading mumsnet are adults, let’s act like it.

If you are replying to a post where the poster needs to be slightly confrontational always advise them to say what they need to say with a tinkly little laugh and a head tilt, apparently this method is fool proof

Also if they work 500 hours a week but are completely broke always advise them to get a cleaner and to treat themselves to a spa day

Dont mention Brexit unless you are a remainer

Do not start threads about cyclists.

Never post if you are worried about your child's weight. 80% of Mumsnet tees have very slim children and the other 20% have children on the higher centipede for BOTH weight and height and are therefore perfectly in proportion.

Remember that you need never spend more than £20 a week on grocery shopping even though there are two adults, six teenagers, thirteen cats and seven dogs in your household.

Do not respond to threads where posters are worried about kids wetting themselves at school, especially if you are tempted to post about the time you wet yourself at school.

Don't start threads about babies names.

Just asking for trouble.

OneForTheRoadThen

Never post if you are worried about your child's weight. 80% of Mumsnet tees have very slim children and the other 20% have children on the higher centipede for BOTH weight and height and are therefore perfectly in proportion.

The higher centipede is a great autocorrect.

The higher centipede is great auto-correct

Oh I dunno.

Maybe she actually meant "centipede".

Has anyone mentioned the mumsnet roast chicken yet? All new members have to be able to feed their entire family for a week on one medium-sized roast chicken. Or you’re not allowed in.

Always remember that some posters could start an argument in an empty room.

And starting a thread with "I've tried product blah but it doesn't work for us for xyz reason, can anyone suggest a good alternative?" will inevitably lead to at least one "have you tried blah?" and possibly a passive aggressive "well blah has always worked perfectly fine for me" within the first ten posts.

Never admit to using bleach in your home.

Specially not bleach and a loo brush.

You need to wash your towels after each use.

You bedding needs to be changed more frequently than that.

Or you're a disgusting pig.

A bin in the bathroom is a controversial issue.

Did you mean to be so rude? Yet another MN gem up there with 'are you on crack?'

Don’t ask about Penis Beaker, cancel the cheque, Balonz or naice ham.

If anyone upsets you in anyway you must refer to them as a ‘narc’...
And don’t mention it if you had evening guests at a wedding, I recently discovered this is a big mumsnet no no, even though every wedding I’ve ever been to (including mine) had evening guests.

All MILs are the devil, and most people are narcissists.

Don't ask for advice then shout at everyone who offers it

Teenagers must be incredibly tall. If female, their hair must be so long that plumbers faint and new plugholes must be ordered.

If you admit to drinking more than one small glass of wine a year then you are an alcoholic

If you're writing a post with a backstory from time gone past you must add 'fast forward to now' or else all readers of your post will be stuck in the time of the backstory; confused as to how so much has happened in no time at all.

If you think something is chavvy be fully prepared to explain why.