MN Beginners Guide.

[SeaSaltandLime]

• A isn't a good thing.
• You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
• If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.

If that object is moving, you must poke it.

• You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
• Any parking threads must include a diagram.
• Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
• You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

@Jemima232 apologies. Tiredness is no excuse.

^ A valuable lesson for any newbie.

If the thread title is asking for opinions/ experience from a specific group of people, it's apparently fine to trample all over their thread if you're not one of those people.

If you are a parent and happen across a thread specifically asking child-free people a question, make a point of posting to say how much your children showed you what love is/made your life whole/others will change their mind/ etc.

And then of course "innocently" question non-mums being on Mumsnet.

Never mention speed limits.

(All together now:) "they're a limit not a target!"

Fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when you get there fuck off some more - is not a new expression. Somebody used it once circa 1983.

In agreement with an earlier poster I feel moved to represent the proportion of the population whom are genuinely emetophobic - of course nobody enjoys being sick or dealing with it, but for a proper phobic (such as I), it is debilitating and detracts from daily life in terms of avoidance of contamination, irrational and intrusive thoughts, and the need to take daily medication for many many years to function in normal daily life.

If none of those apply to you, you are as normal as 95% of the population in not liking vomit, but you are not genuinely phobic. Ok, all done.

Remember that "No" is a complete sentence.

No-one is ever a bit anxious, they always have anxiety.

Don’t mention anyone’s age if you are describing a scenario - apparently you aren’t helping people reading the thread to picture the scene through use of perfectly acceptable adjectives, you are FUCKING AGEIST AND SHOULD BE LOCKED UP.

Always refer to anyone over the age of 60 as an “old biddy”

Under no circumstances mention that you enjoyed breastfeeding or had a straightforward uncomplicated birth.

Never admit that you left your children at home alone before they were 18.

Whatever a mil does is wrong.

Whatever a dog does is right.

It is perfectly normal never to answer your door or your phone.

It's DH not Hubster, Hubby, Hubs
If you're angry with DH, the D must be in inverted commas, i.e., 'D'H
(and you MUST correct me for calling them inverted commas cos I'm clearly am imbecile and you are so much better than me for remembering the right word).

There is only one correct way to put a toilet roll on the holder.

Don't ever mention Reddit.

If you're expecting your fourth baby and are having financial difficulties and are asking for budgeting help, be prepared for 300 people telling you that you shouldn't have become pregnant in the first place.

Fancyseeingyouhere

Always include a diagram.

Even if your thread does not require one.

If you want to be on mumsnet you must not under any circumstances post a Christmas dilemma involving family. You'll be told in no uncertain terms that you must never invite your parents or your inlaws; in fact it's down right insulting for them to even assume they will see you over the festive season. Why not have a lunch somewhere on the m25 ( not at your house or theirs ) on 2nd Nov or 3rd Feb if they really insist?
If you do end up hosting please do not suggest they stay with you - even if you have 2 spare bedrooms . Your arthritic elderly widowed mother must book a Travelodge at her own expense.
Merry Christmas

My dog is a big softy
Your dog is boisterous
Her dog is a killing machine

Speaking of Christmas, if you put your tree up before 23:59 on Christmas Eve you will be 'tired of it by Boxing Day'.

BuzzShitbagBobbly and any invitation to an event is "an invitation, not a summons."

@Fancyseeingyouhere

Diagram you said? May I offer the following, as an all purpose diagram for both cheeky fucker parking threads, and wedding seating threads?

I love this thread, not only amusing but hugely helpful. I do have one question though... A thread yesterday got deleted coz of hairy hands and sock puppeteers, what does that actually mean??? I'm very sorry for showing my ignorance

@FermatsTheorem

That diagram is indeed all-purpose and should be patented as such.

Works for all situations.

Sparkly - hairy handed, short for hairy handed troll. Sock puppets - someone creates several usernames so they can pretend to support their own views in a different name or even (advanced trolling) carry out arguments with themselves! Not to be confused with accidental name change outings as in:

RiemannHypothesis - "Namechanged for this because my DH's hobby is so outing (obviously!) AIBU to be pissed off at losing every weekend to my DH's embarrasing butt plug collecting habit?
MadgeMNUser - "Butt plug collecting? Ha ha, you wish. He's a cyclist, isn't he? Just admit it. It's not outing. Every second MN-er's husband is a MAMIL."
FermatsTheorem - No, he really does collect silicone butt plugs. The whole house is full of them. But at least it stops him riding a bike (way too uncomfortable).
MadgeMNUser - Oops, namechange fail there, OP.

Under no circumstances should you expect any kindness or favours from your family.

Don't forgot there is always a way to dig yourself out of whatever MN pile on you've gotten in to.
It's like a drip feed, but not just relevant to the situation. Maybe a bit of background info on the person involved.

Example to demonstrate;

• In a situation where ILs are doing a perfectly acceptable thing and OPs reaction is concerning to say the least; other posters will try and talk some sense into the OP.

At this point it's perfectly fine for the OP to snap back with 'Forgot to add, MIL is a racist, homophobic, Tory who punched my mum in the face, called my sister a cunt and shat in the dogs bowl. Just in case that changes anything'

That will, of course, change everything.

You must be able to give 'a tinkly laugh' and be able to send 'a strongly worded email '