Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I am so worried that I can't think straight anymore.

244 replies

outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:35

DS 26 graduated 5 years ago, has worked 18months as a paralegal since, chucked it to go travelling. Rents a room in Manchester but spends most time with us. Just signs on. Has many strong opinions, says I'm autistic (but perhaps he is) has no relationships, few friends, drives. Is not all bad. But it's driving my dd (22) away and why won't he work. He does a bit of agency bar work but not much, and looks so scruffy I'm not surprised. I am worried sick that when i die my poor dd will have to take him on. He has overshadowed much of her life.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 03/08/2019 19:38

Well have you told me he needs to live by himself for a bit? Is he signing on in Manchester? And are you sure you know everything about his mental health? It sounds like he lacks motivation and that could have a physical cause.

InDubiousBattle · 03/08/2019 19:39

What do you mean by he spends most of his time with you op? Is there a (genuine) reason he isn't seeking work?

MrsGrindah · 03/08/2019 19:44

Well clearly somethings wrong. Can you talk to him about visiting a GP? Are you funding him above the benefits he’s getting?

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:48

He comes for a night or two, and stays a week or two. He is signing on. I thought they made them work but it seems he just has to prove he is looking for work. He is very domineering at home. For a year or two he said he didn't want to be tied down to regular boring work (he did 18 months as a paralegal and hated it). Now he says he is a graduate and will only look at grad level jobs which is useless. He forgot his degree for 5 years. He is full of theories about politics and my mental health and knows what all of us should do. He would never go and see a gp. Never.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:51

I don't know about his mental health. He is very articulate, but sort of delusional eg he says the current generation are immature but actually the kids he went to school with are all in jobs and much more independent. I do fund him, like with car repairs and of course being with us he is fed etc. He is so bossy at home. I don't know why I find he frightening but I do. He is kind to animals and picks up litter.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:53

I can't talk to him about anything. If I try he goes into his bedroom and locks the door.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 03/08/2019 19:54

Well it sounds like he’s not very well but you can’t force an adult to seek help if you they don’t want to. You need to make sure you are not funding him though ( indirectly or directly) . He needs to experience the consequences of his choices. I don’t mean you’d see him on the street , but he needs to see his decisions are impacting on his life

PennyPitStop19 · 03/08/2019 19:54

Is he smoking weed?

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:55

Yes Penny I expect so.

OP posts:
PennyPitStop19 · 03/08/2019 19:55

What other strengths does he have? What might he be good at?

InDubiousBattle · 03/08/2019 19:56

Does your dd still live with you op? You shouldn't have to be afraid of someone in your own home op.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:56

I am afraid if I don't have him he will be on the street. Also he is lonely and loves the dog. But my poor dd has just graduated and dreads coming home.

I am in despair. I have to stay alive for dd. Otherwise I wouldn't.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 03/08/2019 19:57

It’s difficult I know but you can’t keep enabling this. If he’s moved out why does he have a room? Why are you paying for car repairs? I know he’s your child but he’s not A child.

FadedRed · 03/08/2019 19:58

You need to stop enabling him. This alone will drive your DD away from both of you. He had somewhere else to live, so you are not making him homeless. Tell him to get his lazy arse back to Manchester and act like a mature adult.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:59

Dd is at university in a flat share but it ends this month and she doesn't know what to do.

He is clever but arrogant and lazy. Like he says dd can just do waitressing (she has since she was 15 to help out until she gets a proper job, and I should work harder, and dh retired could look for adult apprentiships.) Sorry to sound so negative.

OP posts:
bodgeitandscarper · 03/08/2019 20:00

I think he needs telling a few home truths, I wouldn't allow my son to dominate me in my own home, and regular boring work is simply being an adult and making a living.

It sounds like you need to stop letting him off the hook. He knows what he doesn't want to do, but what does he want to do? Could he look at retraining?

PennyPitStop19 · 03/08/2019 20:00

Weed is a real ambition killer. Be careful he could tell you at a later date that your support enabled him to mess his chances up. He sounds like he really needs s mentor and some inspiration and also to be given the minimum financially so he is forced iut into the workplace. Can he start volunteering perhaps with animals or in some environmental capacity- what does he care about? Who does he admire if not his peers? He needs to STOP smoking weed but it will
Backfire if you tell him that.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:00

I can't physically push him out of the door. He locks himself in his room. Once I took away the key and he got a hammer and nailed up the door.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 03/08/2019 20:01

Mid 20s is a difficult time. Obviously he needs to sort himself out a bit but he has the time to do it. My now husband didn't settle into a career til his early 30s. I don't think you need to worry about your daughter til he's another decade or two older.
Also, he isn't your daughter's responsibility and you can make that clear to her. What do you have a chance to do to prioritise your relationship with her 1-2-1?

MrsGrindah · 03/08/2019 20:01

Would he let you go with him to see his work coach? What makes you think he can’t keep his accommodation? Maybe , if you want to help him financially, you could pat his rent but make it a condition that he doesn’t stay at yours?Hard I know but sounds like this is tough love time

Nordicwannabe · 03/08/2019 20:02

Why would your DD 'take on' her older brother? They will both be adults living their own lives, and if he behaves in an unpleasant, domineering way towards her, and tries to take advantage of her financially, she will hopefully reduce contact with him until he behaves better (so long as you have raised her to value herself) .

If he has mental health needs, it would be a good idea to try to get him the help he needs now. If he doesn't, then perhaps reducing the financial help you give him will encourage him to take responsibility for himself. Whatever needs to be done, it would be better for him if you did it whilst you are still alive, so that it isn't so abrupt.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:03

We have fought about weed since he was 15. I can't do anymore. I have offered retraining but he just says 'I've got a degree.'

I am so so so sorry for him. I remember the little boy. But I love dd so much and am losing her. She pities him too but can hardly hear his name. I don't know why he can't find work but he has no references. I googled best places to find work and Manchester was one of them.

OP posts:
bodgeitandscarper · 03/08/2019 20:05

Oh and take the lock off his door! No more funding him, he has no incentive to support himself if you are still supporting him. You're going to have to get tough or he will walk all over you.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:05

We have no family. Dd is kind and sorry for him. She says stop babying him but she also does it.

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 03/08/2019 20:05

I agree with MrsGrindah, you and your dh need to present a united front to move him back to his own place. He won't be on the streets if he's renting a room, he'll have to go there. You can't all carry on living like this and he needs to know that.