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Original poster

I am so worried that I can't think straight anymore.

244 replies

outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:35

DS 26 graduated 5 years ago, has worked 18months as a paralegal since, chucked it to go travelling. Rents a room in Manchester but spends most time with us. Just signs on. Has many strong opinions, says I'm autistic (but perhaps he is) has no relationships, few friends, drives. Is not all bad. But it's driving my dd (22) away and why won't he work. He does a bit of agency bar work but not much, and looks so scruffy I'm not surprised. I am worried sick that when i die my poor dd will have to take him on. He has overshadowed much of her life.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:05

When I took off the lock he used hammer and nails.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:06

Because he says he has a right to privacy.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 03/08/2019 20:09

You need to stop feeling so so sorry for him ( which isn’t the same as stopping loving him) . Set your boundaries and stick to them. No you can’t physically push him out but you can empty his room, take his keys off him, not give him a penny etc. Act tough even though you don’t feel it.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 20:10

I am in despair. I have to stay alive for dd. Otherwise I wouldn't.

This jumped off the page at me OP.

You can't live like this any more, you are desperately unhappy and in fear in your own home. If he were a partner we'd be shouting LTB it's domestic abuse.

It is domestic abuse, he's behaving unbelievably aggressively and irrationally and you don't have to have him there.

If you called the police would you be safe? Is there someone who can sit with you?

I'm genuinely worried for your mental health and your safety OP. We're all here but you need and deserve support in RL too.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:11

Is a work coach something to do with UC? As far as I know, it's all online. I work and have never had to use it. I can't understand why I hear about disabled people being told they have to work, and yet a 6' perfectly healthy (he ran a marathon earlier this year) young man can get away with doing virtually nothing.
He does not consider he has any problems. Mentally, or work wise. I paid for his car because if it isn't drivable he will never leave the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:14

For years I have thought if he was a partner I would leave him. DH is weak. Kind but weak. There is only me. We talk of splitting up so that one of us has a home to offer dd but it would be awful to lose everything like that.

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bodgeitandscarper · 03/08/2019 20:16

Well he lost his right to 'privacy' when he stopped contributing to the household and using you as his cash cow.

I do really feel for you, of course you love him, but feeling sorry for him isn't helping him. Sometimes the only way for someone to change is to hit rock bottom, if you keep preventing him from reaching that stage then it will never give him the opportunity to change. It does sound as if you need support in real life, he is bullying you into doing what he wants.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:17

I know I am foul to be so negative about my son. I know I can hardly think of a kind word to say about him, but the other day out in the rain he offered me his coat. I just don't know how to help him and look after dd.

Why do they let him sign on not working? And be so tough on other people. He can drive, he can write, he is fit, he's clever. Why is he enabled by the state to do so little?

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Pellegrinopolly · 03/08/2019 20:18

It's hard to advise when it's unclear whether it's a mental health problem or a young man + arrogance problem or a combination of both?

Is your dh supporting you? As you are feeling very low, and have obviously been worn down by this situation, you might need to find help for yourself before you have the strength to deal with your son?

You could give your son fair warning and say that as from September, you won't be funding his car, you expect him to stay in his own accommodation and that he needs to find a job. Could you perhaps fund a session with a careers advisor or a place on a graduate job-seekers course?

I don't know how this can be achieved but I think in this situation, it's best if you step back and call in others (professionals?) to advise and support you. You need to break the unhealthy dynamic in the family by opening it up to outsiders and getting yourself support.

Does your son have a godfather or do you have any brothers or uncles or family friends who you could call in to help and advise?

MrsGrindah · 03/08/2019 20:18

Yes the work coach is the person he is assigned to at the jobcentre. I can see what you are saying re the car but honestly you are just enabling him. There will always be a reason why you need to help him in his eyes until he sees that help just isn’t coming.

He’s clearly intelligent and articulate ( when not stoned). Really tough love would be to change the locks but I understand that you are not there yet

MrsGrindah · 03/08/2019 20:19

Also stop blaming “ them” for this. Either your son is ill ( not anybody’s fault) or he’s lazy ( his fault)

TDMN · 03/08/2019 20:21

Op is there a chance he is running up debt to pay his expenses? I find it suspicious that he has enough money to rent a room in Manchester, pay for travel and buy weed...?
I have been the daughter in this situation and seen a couple of families go through similar and trust me, unless you lay down some boundaries with your son and stop enabling, you will lose your relationship with your daughter and your son will never turn his life around.
Wishing you the best OP, its a tough situation to be in but trust me, if you lay boundaries down you and your sons luves could be so much better a year from now.

user1486131602 · 03/08/2019 20:21

Who babies him when he was travelling?........no one!

Step away fro his chaos, take back charge of your home and life.
It’s not a diss house...if he doesn’t work, how does he have money for weed? You are enabling hi. And his lifestyle and he will continue to bully you both, unless you step up NOW.
Don’t talk to him, TELL him to get himself together, be respectful and thankful, follow your rules, contribute to the household with his weed money or get out. Let him rant on about your MH, say yes dear, but we are discussing you not me and my MH has provided you with a home so, shape up or ship out!
Good luck 😉

Stuckforthefourthtime · 03/08/2019 20:22

Dd is kind and sorry for him. She says stop babying him but she also does it

For your DDs sake, you need to stop - can you see she is copying you and learning about her place Vs his. You're setting her up for a life of being a dogsbody to your son and potentially to romantic partners. My mum was your dd. My egotistical, lazy old uncle has spent his life being funded by parents and siblings. It's hit them all so hard, my grandmother in particular can't afford to go into a care home as she owns the house he lives in, and we all know that if it's sold, he'll end up homeless, as he's impossible to live with.

Stop it now, for all your sakes. Tough love - he sees a gp and commits to a mental health plan, and / or gets a job, and/or moves out. And pulls his weight around the house too!

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:23

No one is supporting me. I have no other family but my very elderly mother.

Yes I would pay for professional help, but he doesn't think I need it. He says I do. I can't go on ADs again, they make it impossible to work, I have a fulltime professional creative job. Why do I have to be the one in need of help.

But I would die in a heartbeat if I didn't have dd.

Dh is a nice man but he just says he doesn't know what to do. He can't stand up to ds.

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bodgeitandscarper · 03/08/2019 20:24

You aren't foul at all, it is a horrible place to be, and as a parent we all want to be proud our offspring, it hurts when we see things going wrong.

I think that given time he will have to take employment that is offered, they will catch up with him, which won't be a bad thing. A stint of cleaning loos or something might make him appreciate what he is capable of doing that might otherwise be boring.

Your DH does need to stop being weak, you need a firm united front to face this, that is probably the root of the problem.

Showing tough love is just that, it's tough, but it's still love and what they need sometimes.

HypatiaCade · 03/08/2019 20:26

Start to cut him off. I mean that honestly. And it will be difficult to do. So start with not looking after him.

That means not washing and ironing his clothes.
Not cooking for him.

If his behaviour still doesn't pick up, then:
Not providing ANY food for him. This will be tough because it means you need to shop and cook on a day to day basis. Have NO food in the house.
No Wifi. Take the router with you if you go out.
No TV, take the plug out and take it with you when you go out if you must.
Get a lock to your room, make sure it is locked when you go out. Keep any supplies in there.
Stop paying for the car. If he's signing on, then he's getting some money.

Then if he STILL is abusive towards you (and his behavior IS abusive) you kick him out. If he says he won't leave, with no food in the house, no internet, etc, he will have to leave the house at some point. Get the locks changed and don't let him back in.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:27

He says we have responsibility to him because he didn't ask to be born. We chose to have him. He owes us nothing.

He says if I chose to be unhappy it's my choice.

He says I should enjoy the happy moments of the days. He says he doesn't live with us and doesn't want to do. But he is always around.

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Pellegrinopolly · 03/08/2019 20:30

It does seem strange that he is not forced to work. Perhaps there is a mh issue there (depression or anxiety perhaps?) that the job centre know about but you don't?

I agree with a pp that this is a very difficult age - harder than being a teenager I think - because it's when reality hits and you are forced to confront who you are and what you want to do and be.

It sounds like he needs the discipline of a more rigid schedule. Could he volunteer to work abroad in a team setting or join the TA or something similar to provide him with another kick start?

Original poster
outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 20:33

Housing benefit pays his rent, if he is keeping it up. He turns up for so long, and looks so scruffy, I wonder if he is living in his car but dh says that is a mad idea.

he has done grotty jobs like delivering pizza for a few weeks, years ago. Mostly he does bar work. At one point ticket master offered him work. i was so relieved. But they sent a text to say he wasn't needed.

he is vegan, he looks gaunt on it. i bought him vitamins but he doesn't take them. i truly can't not feed him, or empty the house like you suggest, or change the locks. Because he is ds. I can stop the funding but then it will probably mean he moves permanently back home.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 03/08/2019 20:35

The jobcentre can’t force anyone to employ him! But to be honest he sounds like he’s not a good potential employee at the moment. Doubt he’s rigorously applying, researching companies, turning up suited and booted etc.There are more fundamental things to tackle first.

bodgeitandscarper · 03/08/2019 20:35

Cheeky so and so! At least he recognises that you have choices, your responsibility for raising him ended when he became an adult, otherwise
all parents of adult children would be bankrupt!

As he's now an adult, he needs to pay his own way, including board for staying at your house. As he says he doesn't want to live with you I'd be booting his arse back to Manchester.

Choosing to be happy is much easier when you haven't got a selfish son making life hard.

MrsGrindah · 03/08/2019 20:36

I don’t mean to sound harsh but you are knocking down everyone’s suggestions OP.

Csleeptime · 03/08/2019 20:38

It doesn't matter what he says, and your responsibility ended when he became an adult. He is using you and needs to grow up. You and your DH need to show a united front. As previous posted said, tell him come 1st September the locks will be changed and he no longer stays there until he has a job and takes responsibility. Then he is welcome to visit weekends for example. Meant with kindness, you are the parent, you need to strengthen up and do your job. It's a tough one but you are not doing him any favours and you are not helping yourself either. You don't need to feel like this it's your home.

yorkshirecountrylass · 03/08/2019 20:39

Oh OP I'm so sorry you're going through this and with very little support. Get your ducks in a row before you do anything- when he leaves the house you need to be in a position to get the locks changed immediately before he has chance to return. Take the lock from his door. Bag his things up ready for him to collect and get the furnishings out of his room if you have no use for it as a bedroom - could it be a home office/gym/library/music/craft room? Write him a letter so that he does not have opportunity to throw it back at you and throw you off while you're telling him how you feel. In the letter put all of the things you love about him as well as the things you dislike and how it makes you feel. I personally would address his "you owe me, I didn't ask to be born" statement as well and point out that he has always been loved and supported but sooner or later all children have to stand on their own feet. If you think he's likely to call you repeatedly I'd get a cheap pay as you go, give him the number and give him the clear conditions in which he can contact you e.g "every Monday evening I'll be available to talk to," or what emergencies he can contact you in and then block his number on your other devices. Stand firm for the short term he'll respect you in the long for it