DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

I think I would have struggled to not do the same as your dh in that situation with that level of disrespect and the child would have to live with those consequences. I would be pretty annoyed at myself tho cos that's a lot of money down the drain. I might buy the child a cheap phone after a week or two

I’d be far far more worried that my 14 year old was stealing alcohol.

Get DS a Nokia. Work on everyone’s ability to manage anger and stress and start putting some rules and order into your highly aggressive and stressed home.

and that he needs to learn a lesson

That violence and smashing up phones is a correct response?

Team dh

He stamped on his sons phone

Yeah that's a ridiculous loss of control.

My kids have done some really fucking annoying things but we have managed not to smash their property in a fit of uncontrolled rage

Violence is violence. It's not much more of a step to smashing someone in the face, IMO

What were the consequences for the stealing, drinking and disrespect last time?

I think I'd agree that he'd get a new phone if his behaviour improves over the next month ( or whatever timeframe you think is appropriate) and get him a cheap Nokia until then

Well, smirking is really irritating and if you do it to the wrong person you might end up a road rage / acid attack victim so it's not necessarily a bad lesson to learn. Push someone far enough and they might not react how you expect.

If DS can acknowledge his part in this he can have a cheap replacement.

Why aren't you more worried about your 14yo stealing alcohol?!

I would be upset at my 14yo drinking beer sneakily (rather than under our supervision) but I wouldn’t consider it stealing, just drinking. The same as with anything in the fridge. Selfish maybe (if that means there’s none there when younir DH expect there to be) but I couldn’t call my child helping themselves to food/drink in the house as ‘stealing’.

DH is right - it wasn’t his finest hour! He list control. I guess how reasonable/unreasonable that was depends on a whole load of stuff mainly hoe often DS has been asked/told not to help himself to beer!

The phone...I think it’s a consequence of DS doing something he knows he’s not allowed to 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d offer a £20 Nokia if he desperately needs a phone if not he’ll have to earn/save money to replace his smart phone won’t he

Your DH is my hero.

Your son can earn a new phone once he has realised that his attitude and behaviour is sub par. i certainly wouldnt be rushing out to replace it.

Your DH may have over reacted a little but he was bang on. He is the parent. He is parenting his son. More parents in this world need to step up. I have an ex who will let my kids do anything in order to undermine me. believe me, your reality is better. Show a united front and your son should get the message sooner.

Losing your temper and smashing up a phone is never acceptable.

Just because the phone belonged to a child doesn't make it ok

It was the smirking that tipped DH over the edge. DS has been told before about nicking DH's beer, albeit just odd small bottle here and there , but it was the blatant disrespect that was the real problem this time.

DH has no form for violence and was pretty upset afterwards. I've said to him that the older DS gets, the more challenging his behaviour is likely to be and we all need to learn how to co-exist without the awful fallouts.

I'm with your DH on this one.
Loss of control? Maybe slightly but in fairness it's not liked he used violence against him (which would of been tempting in this scenario!) He taught him a lesson.

I think there's two people that need to make amends here. DP needs to sort the phone and DS needs to apologise and pay for the beer. Both need to see that their behaviour has consequences.

No way in h*ll would I support my DH with that kind of behavior. He is an adult. He damaged expensive property. He engaged in physical violence. It’s not as bad as if it were against a person, but it is still 100% unacceptable behavior. He needs to pay for an equivalent replacement immediately.
I’d also have a conversation with just the two of you and decide together how he is going to make sure this never happens again.

Then by all means, ground DS for his behavior, possibly temporarily confiscating his new phone as part of the punishment.

confiscating the phone would have been a more appropriate response

Honestly, team dh. If there are no consequences that ds cares about other than the phone... I wouldn’t perhaps have stamped on it but would have taken it away. But then he knows it’s available so would whine for its return. So broken phone and no replacement till ds understands and shows genuine remorse tbh

It's not much more of a step to smashing someone in the face, IMO

Absolutely agree. You don't get to 'lose control' to that extent, with your kids or with anyone, ever. If he'd done it to something of yours when you'd done something to piss it off I expect you wouldn't be torn.

Well, smirking is really irritating and if you do it to the wrong person you might end up a road rage / acid attack victim so it's not necessarily a bad lesson to learn.

What the fuck

Yep, that's exactly what I said Any Fucker... too late now

Actually it has been confiscated before but like a PP has said, DS knows he just has to play the game.

Is your DH's response acceptable?

No, but he has appologised

Are your DS's actions acceptable?

No, and he hasn't apologised but has done this repeatedly.

What has your son learnt?

That if he pushes people far enough they will explode.

Before anyone goes on about abusers excuses. Lets remember that abusers also push their partners as far as they can till they explode and then play the victim. Lets hope that the DS doesn't learn that.

So all of you who are "with DH", would it be ok if you annoy your DH and he snatches your phone or other item of value off you and destroys it? Presumably you'll have deserved it if you smirked at him?