DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Can I also say - stuff like this is dealt with over time, DS May take longer- let him. Keep the conversation open, firm but fair. However human, uncompromising on the big stuff.

It gets easier - we look back at the spaghetti bol fight and have cried as many tears of laughter now, than was rage then. It did us all good, not bad. I saw mam in a new light, I could go too far and I didn’t want too

It doesn’t sound like he has lived his childhood with fighting, these are one-off big events, can be life changing but for the better. Though it didn’t feel like it at the time.

Couple of men's rights activists on here, bringing up women being violent when that really isn't the point at all.

I’d be horrified if my husband lost control like this. What a shocking example to set. This would be far more concerning than your son’s misdemeanour.

@Danni91

As opposed to a woman / mum doing it?
Can we celebrate all the violent women then or is your wording just shit?

It wasn't a woman/mum doing it though was it? It was a man. As it is in the majority of cases. You can celebrate whatever you want though

I’m really surprised at the responses on this thread.
Of course your DH acted atrociously.
Breaking peoples things is domestic abuse.
It’s taken seriously by authorities because it’s a way of an abusive person threatening/controlling a victim (eg I’ll break your things, push me more and I’ll do the same to you)
If this was a teenage daughter the responses would be different. Rightly so.
Dreadful

Odd that people are saying dh did the right thing, when it is clear dh himself does not think it was the right thing at all, and wishes he hadn't done it.

I completely agree, MyNewBearTotoro.

This thread has reminded me of when my dad did something similar. I had left an electronic toy on the floor of my bedroom. He told me to put it away because someone would stand on it, and I came out with some bratty response about how it was brightly coloured so easy to see and nobody would step on it. He starts shouting aggressively at me while stomping on the toy repeatedly until it breaks.

Yes, I should have picked the damn thing up instead of coming up with an irritating 'clever' response - but 25 years on and I haven't forgotten how scary it was to see him suddenly flip out like that over something relatively unimportant. It didn't teach me that he was human too. It taught me that he was unpredictable - and later, made me more likely to lie to him because I couldn't tell whether telling the truth would get a proportionate parental response or sudden extreme anger.

Give the man a break. Parenting teenagers is no easy ride and I think most parents do something they later feel remorse for, be it shouting too loud or punishing too harshly. I haven't seen the OP mention him directing his violence or anger towards her DS, only at his phone. It sounds like he lost his temper and he now regrets it and he has apologised.

Jesus, I can't believe the people saying that what your DH did was ok! It's far worse than what your son did and a terrible example to set to a teenager. He sounds unhinged. How would you feel if he did this to you? Or if your son did it to his girlfriend? I would seriously think of leaving my "D" H if he did this.

Your DH is fantastic

Violence. Loss of control. Smashing things up. How low does this bar go again?

Fucking hell.

Neither should women

Jesus. The Whataboutery.

I'm another one who can't believe women celebrating a man* stamping on his kid's phone as if it's some kind of example of parenting genius, regardless of the 'provocation'. And then to cite the child's 'tantrum' afterwards as if he's not just acting out what's being modelled for him!

parents+ *parent

• but don't kid yourself; this is male pattern violence, right in front of you.

Any of us with older teens has had a moment they are not proud of, when tested by really poor behaviour. I agree, give him a break. He did actually apologise so try to take the full picture into account.

The lesson he’s learnt is probably that he shouldn’t piss off his Dad or his Dad might blow up and react violently by smashing things. So he probably will be better behaved at home now because he’s a little bit scared of his father.

Potentially he’s also learnt that if in future someone pisses him off it’s okay to react angrily and violently and that it’s okay to smash things up, even if they belong to someone else, and then use the excuse they probably deserved it for smirking and never listening and that actually the person who’s property he destroyed will at least learn their lesson now. He’s learnt that if you’re the person in a position of power and someone’s annoyed you then it’s okay to react violently and break things belonging to them and that actually it can be justified because the person was winding you up. He’s learnt the lesson that if you get so angry that you lose control you can blame the person you’re angry at for behaving in a way that made you do it and that you don’t have to take any responsibility for your own actions or anger if you can justify what the other person did was also wrong.

What he definitely won’t have learnt is how to treat people with respect or how to handle a disagreement without losing your temper. He probably hasn’t learnt why it’s wrong to take the alcohol other than because it makes his Dad angry. If his behaviour improves at home it is probably just because he’s now a bit scared of his Dad so he’s not necessarily going to transfer that learning to any other situation and likely isn’t actually going to recognise the wider reasons as to why what he was doing was unacceptable. He’s learnt a lesson but I can almost guarantee it’s not the kind of lesson most of us would want for our children.

If you husband did this to your phone OP, what would you do? Bear in mind it wouldn't be his fault, it would he yours. He'll say you pushed him too far.

What would you do?

This thread is such an eye opener.

A very sad eye opener

I think in response to this event a replacement phone should be bought (but it doesn't have to be an exact replacement). The replacement phone is confiscated for disrespectful behaviour and for the taking of alcohol without permission.

Well i dont agree that you dh actions are close to being violent to you ds. That is a completely ridiculous suggestion.
Your ds is totally out of order. Its true that your dh should have managed to control his actions better and just taken the phone away but we are only human and sometimes kids can do well at pushing our buttons.
I would just keep consistent. The phone is dead to your ds unless his behaviour changes. Make sure you show a united front.

My moment of not being proud is “well do you own washing then and don’t expect a lift”.
It isn’t stamping on something that belongs to someone else so that it breaks.
Teenagers take stuff from fridges.
You’ve normalised him having alcohol by letting him have a beer before, he won’t really see it as stealing.
And even if he’d taken £50 your partners response was out of control.

I'm with MyNewBear. Terrible example by DH.

I wouldn't replace the phone but I also would no longer keep alcohol at home. DH can do without it and you don't need to be teaching a 14 year old to drink alcohol. Clearly you have already given him a taste for it and starting young is a really bad idea.

Baritriwsahys MrsTerryPratchett

what I am apparently very poorly trying to say is that there are two poorly behaved people.

And one should not be overlooked because of the other. Many posters on here are only picking up on one person (the DH) and not the actions of the other (DS).

I'd probably be screaming and crying, or pretty damned huffy, if someone snatched my phone and stamped on it.

He's of an age where you need to break out of the naughty>punish cycle and have a conversation about expectations and consequences of actions eg stealing diminishes trust, surely he'd like to feel trusted.

I wouldn't necessarily be mad at "smirking" because it's a common nervous reaction from someone who hasn't figured out what they need to do next.

what I am apparently very poorly trying to say is that there are two poorly behaved people.

And one should not be overlooked because of the other. Many posters on here are only picking up on one person (the DH) and not the actions of the other (DS).

Perhaps that's because the thread is ABOUT the action of the father. The thread title being 'DH smashed DS's phone'. The OP asking about the DH. She gave an explanation as to how it happened, the DS action, but the thread was largely about the DH behaviour. That's why.

Many posters on here are only picking up on one person (the DH) and not the actions of the other (DS)

That's because they are not equivalent. The child misbehaved/made a bad choice/was 'naughty', if that's the language you prefer. A consequence would definitely have been appropriate, and there is clearly an issue there that needs to be addressed. The adult lost control and was violent... and people are applauding this as great parenting. That's weird as fuck.

So, you allow your 14 year old to have the occasional beer, but then get upset that he takes the odd beer you have at home?

I don't limit what my 14 year old can have from the food and drink at home.
He isn't offered alcoholic drinks, though, and we don't regularly drink alcohol either.

I wouldn't consider him drinking beer from his own home as steeling.

Is your DH his dad?

Can't tell him what to do anymore yet he still needs us to guide him and pull him up on unacceptable behaviour.

You don't tell him, exactly. You guide him and advise him.

I can't believe the replies, what is admirable about a grown man losing his shit and smashing his child's property? As a pp said, confiscating it would have been more appropriate. What sort of a lesson is that? The DS was being an arse but pinching beer and smirking is fairly 'normal' behaviour for a teen. I don't believe that smashing a phone is a step away from smashing someone's face though. It's done now however so I think if your ds wants a replacement phone he should have to earn it, how he does so is up to you op. I wouldn't be giving him the odd beer either, I don't think it's a good idea to encourage teenagers to drink.