DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Jefferson no one is saying that the DS’s behaviour was good.
But the DS is 14 - the age of Fucking Up.
The DH in this scenario is the adult and should have acted like one. Smashing stuff up is a violent act, it doesn’t matter if you apologise afterwards or not.

Baritriwsahys

Are we not to discuss DS at all?

multivac

That's because they are not equivalent.

they may not be equivalent but the action of the DS could be far reaching and very damaging not only to those around him now but to any girlfriend, partner or spouse.

TheCrowFromBelow

I haven't defended the father at all.

Do you know what is going on in a 14-year-old's brain, BBJ ? It is being completely broken down and rewired. Impulse control is at the lowest it's likely to be in a person's life; risk-taking is a compulsion; peer approval is abormally important. These are neuroscientific truths. And contribute to the reasons why as adults in a position of trust around teenagers, we really do need to work hard at not losing our shit.

Are we not to discuss DS at all?

Nobody said that did they.

What I said was the thread was about the Dah action, which is why people are predominantly discussing that.
You are saying posters are only picking up on the actions of the DH. They are not, they are simply discussing what the OP has asked.

Add to that the fact that the Dah is an adult and his behaviour is completely and utterly wrong. DS is a teenager, acting like a teenager.

the action of the DS could be far reaching and very damaging not only to those around him now but to any girlfriend, partner or spouse.

He was a gene stealing alcohol. Stop being ridiculous. The way his father acts in front of him is far more likely to impact his future relationships and how he treats his partners.

• a teen

Baritriwsahys

He was a gene stealing alcohol.

If this is all you see, then fair enough

Stop being ridiculous.

I have a different opinion to you, I find yours to be very much in the realm of "boys will be boys".

But I will leave you to it.

I'd have made his phone so that it fed through the eye of a needle and told him he can't link to your home wifi etc. If he wants to think he's an adult then let him learn the hard way.

It's not all I see.

But a teenager stealing alcohol and being gobby is normal teen behaviour. A father smashing his sons phone is not.

I find yours to be very much in the realm of "boys will be boys"

Absolutely not. At no point have I said what the DS did was 'boys will be boys' I am trying to explain badly why people are focusing on the DH. His behaviour is disproportionate and aggressive.

The OP made the post about the DH.

I'm not saying for a minute that what the DS did was ok.

Nobody said boys will be boys at all.
Teens make stupid mistakes whether they are girls or boys.

YANBU DH wasnt either. I understand you. Being torn but I would stick with DH on this. My 18 year old DD got an expensive phone for Christmas years back. She got mouthy and cussed me. I told her hand me the phone I took my hammer and busted it on the counter. She never again called me a name.

DH is utterly out of order. He needs to get his act together, he needs therapy and to work out how to handle his anger. Your whole family may need family therapy.
If your DS tells someone at school (or elsewhere) what happened SS could become involved.
Yes teenagers can be annoying. Smirking is extremely provoking (although is often an inappropriate response to fear).
But your DH's response was utterly out of order.

Your DS should probably not be drinking at all - the harm alcohol does to young people's bodies is much greater than to adults. By allowing it in the home there is research to say he is more likely to drink than if it was banned.
If he is taking his Dad's beers, then maybe his Dad should find a better way of storing it - locked cabinet in the garage?

Breaking a phone because his father was frustrated and out of control is not a "punishment" but an over reaction. (His father could have just impounded the phone.)

Your son is the problem here, he needs to learn some respect for other people.

I do have older teenagers, and they have all had their less than perfect moments (understatement of the year). However, the way your DH behaved is absolutely disgusting. And all it will do is make your son feel like a victim, rather than thinking about his own bad behaviour.

My XH did this kind of thing. His inability to control his temper and set a decent example to the DC is the main reason his my ex.

My baby's father smashed my phone, he threw it against the wall in a rage. I actually lost a load of baby pictures because of it, as the phone was old and no longer backed them up automatically.

I'm sure he'd tell you that I deserved it somehow. I didn't though.

I'm shocked by people here saying the father's behaviour was fantastic, the son should not be left thinking that this is a fantastic way to behave. How would you feel if your son smashed the phone of a girlfriend in the future? What would you say?

Cool, so talk me through how you think violence will teach your child to be respectful?

Would it be ok for your child to destroy your property - and refuse to replace it - if he didn't like the way you looked at him?

I can't believe you're surprised he's refusing to apologise for his supposed role in this. Your husband is an adult, he is responsible for his own actions. He doesn't get to blame other people for driving him to violence.

A key part of teenager development is being able to push back against parents to establish themselves with separate identities but without that resulting in their parents withdrawing love or acceptance or safety.

So that's something of an epic fail on your husband's part.

I also agree with pp who pointed out what your child did wasn't stealing.

The cognitive dissonance of labelling the consumption of drink from his own home "stealing" but condoning the destruction of his property and refusal to replace it (empty apology) is impressive.

You're out of order.

Your son is the problem here, he needs to learn some respect for other people

Explain please how you think he will learn respect from his father smashing his phone up in anger?

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson

So is he actually sorry then, if he doesn't want to right the situation by replacing the phone, because that's a very mixed message to send out. Sort of like when you let a 14 year old have the occasional beer, then rage out because he took a few beers.

I agree that a level of consequences is appropriate given your DSs behaviour, but his dad needs to replace his phone if he's really sorry. If he's not really sorry then he (and you) needs to take a long hard look at the lessons you're teaching your son.

Imagine if your DS had a girlfriend, they argue because she borrows a t-shirt without asking - she smirks, so your son takes her phone and smashes it - how do you deal with situation? Or is that fine? You need to model the type of behaviour you want to see in your teens, or they'll model the type of behaviour they see in you. Firm boundaries and consequences yes, rage fuelled violent acts, no.

She got mouthy and cussed me. I told her hand me the phone I took my hammer and busted it on the counter. She never again called me a name.

I would rather my DC didn't call me names because they were respectful, not scared of me wrecking their stuff

If this is the way the DF acts when DS is only 14, stealing beers and smirking I hate to think how the DF will be once DS is older and capable of so much more, smirking and stealing beer is a walk in the park compared to what some teens and early 20s do.

Your DH has gone nuclear too soon. Your DS will continue to press his buttons and push boundaries because he’s seen DH lose his shit. DH needs to be a grownup. He’s got years of DS’s teenage angst to work through. Poor DS.