DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Great post from Lweji.

Are you trying to be cool or something, letting him have a bottle of beer occasionally at 14?

Slippery slopes all around here, and very mixed messages given by the adults to this teen.

DH made a mistake in his reaction and has rightly acknowledged this and apologised. No ones perfect - including everyone posting their condemnations here.
It might be reasonable for him to help replace / repair the phone in return for some good behaviour by DS. Has DS also apologised?

This thread is shocking.

What would the replies be if he had smashed up your phone?

If someone posted: "my DW took my chocolate and lied about it. When I challenged her she laughed and walked off so I grabbed her phone and smashed it"

There'd be posters saying LTB/call the police/this is DV etc.

Posters minimising this behaviour towards a child need to take a look at yourselves or at least set your bar higher

That's not good from your husband, sorry. He's the adult, he has to keep his cool. Letting your kid see that violence is acceptable sets a really bad precedent. Anger is completely understandable - violence is not. I would say he has to make reparation.

Your son stealing beer or not being respectful is a separate issue that needs attending to. Boundaries!

I do think it sounds like you all are a loving family underneath it all. Maybe worth looking into some more family time together?

It’ll be telling to see whether your husband tries to cover his behaviour or is open an honest about it in your wider social circle. That can be quite revealing. Like if he expects your son not to tell anyone how his phone was smashed.

This is an opportunity for you all to learn as a family. Your DH got it wrong. Your DS got it wrong. What do they both need to learn to manage the situation better. If your DH acted out of character then he needs to develop strategies to deal with this sort of challenging behaviour because there is more to come. Your DS needs to know there will be appropriate consequences next time such as relegation to a brick phone.
DS1 can sometimes be stroppy. He is a 6ft, 15 yo prop forward so he can appear quite intimidating but he is actually a good kid who is trying to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of teenage years. Part of the skill is knowing when to step back and deescalate. When to walk away.

@MyNewBearTotoro spot on, your DH is the adult in the situation and therefore needs to be the one leading by example, keeping his cool, working on building a better relationship with the DS.

Also agree with the poster who said if your DH means his apology then why is he still angry and wanting to punish your DS. You need to be talking this through WITH your DS.

Your H is a prick and he will do something similar to you next. If he hasn't already. Yeah he's 'sorry' now but abusers are always sorry afterwards. Maybe your DS is taking beers as a way of dealing with living with a bully. You might want to look at that.

Unfortunately your DH has lost his authority by over reacting but teens can be maddening.

This is a battle lost but you and DH need to work out how to avoid blow ups happening in the future and also stop your son stealing beer.

I think you'll have to replace DS phone (with a cheap model) but

1. make him do chores/ repay pocket money or similar to cover cost of stolen beer
2. do not give him any more beer - he is 14 and doesn't need it
3. work out between you and DH a united response if the beer stealing/ smirking/ other maddening behaviour happens again. There are quite a lot of good teen parenting books out there that have good strategies.

Fucking hell. If my husband had behaved that violently I'd be seriously considering my relationship and would not be leaving my child alone with him because what next? First the phone, could be his head next time if he "pushes his luck too far." Fuck that.

I've lost my shit several times with my 12 yo DD. She's had everything removed from her bedroom except what she needs for school as a result. She only has her phone for to and from school and checking homework. Her issues are with her absent dad but she takes it out on me. Her behaviour is improving since she's realised disrespect and lying results the loss of all material things she holds dear. Confiscating the phone for a week didn't work.

Your family needs help. Your poor son must be very upset, angry and scared after that incident. He's 14, a child, even if he thinks he's all grown up.

The poster who took a hammer to her daughters phone?!
Shame on you.
She’s scared of what you’re capable of.
A hammer ffs?!
Where do you go from there?!

Anyone who thinks that it's OK to destroy other people's property because they are annoying you: you are a pathetic, inadequate bully. Whine all you like about how you deserve' respect' but you clearly don't.

Sorry but the people defending the DH are obviously just as toxic if they think this is acceptable behaviour and probably behave in similar ways.

Anyone who thinks that it's OK to destroy other people's property because they are annoying you: you are a pathetic, inadequate bully. Whine all you like about how you deserve' respect' but you clearly don't

Exactly. It’s really disturbing to me how many people are defending this. There are a lot of toxic, shitty abusive parents in the world I guess. Makes me sad for the kids who can’t leave.

Team dh. Ds can earn back a phone by apologising and doing chores.

To be honest, and not to put too fine a point on it, your son sounds like a little shit. Who is drinking and repeatedly stealing, and despite other methods of discipline (presumably) continues to do so. I'd have done the same as your husband.

I'm with DH - the worst thing I ever did was give in to my teen when he stole from me. HE has now smashed 2 off my phones and a laptop. He no longer lives with me although is desperate to come home. Nope (he's not a teen anymore).

Stick to your guns, no apologising. Yes it was OTT, but it's done now so no backing down.

@cherrysoup would you find it acceptable if your husband smashed up your phone . How about your car? Your home? Your photographs of your family? What about cutting up your clothes?
How about burning your precious momentoes?
What level of violence are you ok with?

Funny how 99% if not more of MN are aghast at the idea of smacking a child but smashing up a phone by stamping on it as punishment is fine. One tap on the hand is enough that your DM should never see your dc unsupervised again. But smashing up a phone? Bravo! Excellent patenting! Team DH! violence is violence and this violence was aimed to hurt ds even though that hurt wasn't physical.

Also, if this abusive, inadequate man was really sorry, he would be replacing the phone immediately and working out more effective strategies to use with your DS if your DS is behaving badly. Because his behaviour was much worse and he is the adult. If you lose your temper with your DC you have to make amends for your own shitty behaviour before you can ask them to improve, because otherwise you are just teaching them that it's OK to hurt and scare people if you're bigger than them.

So your DS just mirrors your DH's behaviour? Both tantrums and appalling.

Honestly this thread highlights one of the reasons why so many women in this country stay in abusive relationships. Because on the rare occasion they confide in a friend or family , people will minimise minimise minimise . Like on here tonight :(

@omafiet
So would you be ok with your partner smashing up your phone if they decided you were a little shit?

Gosh, there are still people defending the husband. I'm interested to know when smashing someone's phone is laudable and when it isn't? Teenager not doing his homework? Girlfriend maybe cheating on you? Wife nagging you? Where's the line?