DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Totally team DH. And having his phone stamped on is nothing in comparison to how the police would treat theft if his behaviour escalated - the child needs to learn that stealing has consequences.

Was DH angry at son stealing precious beer? Or at the fact he’s 14 and drinking? Presumably both, but which was more? Possibly battle of the egos? And DS might only get worse having this done to him as his father has lost control, in some ways it could be seen as strength and your son fears him (not to do it again) or as weak the fact he was not in control. Either way OP it’s a fucking nightmare

Fully admit that I'm sailing in uncharted waters with DS. Not sure how to cope with this boy/man who is full of hormones, angst and rage.
Can't tell him what to do anymore yet he still needs us to guide him and pull him up on unacceptable behaviour.

I can't believe so many people think that was a reasonable response. What's next?

Quite a few friends with similar aged boys going through similar it’s like the young stag battling with the father for supremacy. Yes dh cocked up somewhat and should have remained calm and saintly as no doubt some of the other posters would have but he is only human and good for kids to know they can’t push too far.

I'm another one with your husband. Your son needs to learn and the hard way seems the best way. Let him have no phone for a while then only get him a non smart phone once you feel he's learned his lesson. And plenty of chores around the house!

Confiscating the phone would have been a more appropriate response

Limiting the time on phones and social media so that confiscation wasn’t a runner would be more appropriate.

Wind it back.

Spending more time as a family so that phones and social media never become important enough to be confiscated is a more appropriate action.

Phones are never as important as we believe they are. It’s just very clever commercial penetration.

Opos...it wasn't so much the beer specifically (not even DH's drink of Choice!) it was more that DS was stealing, despite having been pulled up in this previously, and that he was stealing alcohol in general.

DS is given the odd beer here and there so it's not like he's missing out, more that it's like giving an inch and taking a mile with anything we do for him.

One person in this scenario is a child, at a
prime age for making utterly shit decisions.

One person is an adult and should know better.

A1203, you would not believe the full blown tantrum DS threw. Seriously you'd think he'd had his right arm cut off - never seen anything like it! Screaming, crying....

These kind of angry dads, reacting with violence (smashing things in retaliation) beget angry sons (violent, angry, smashing things in retaliation)....

Your H won't have achieved anything good here

It wasn’t the right thing to do and your DH knows that but it might be a good lesson for your DS that everyone has their limits and parents are only human beings. If you keep pushing again and again eventually you’ll get a reaction.

I can see the conflict between the DH's apology not seeming enough for his reaction which was too far and not wanting the 14-year-old to think he can rewarded for this behaviour so I kinda agree with the DH on not replacing or repairing it until after however you and DH would have decided how long to confiscated the phone (time or actions or having to earn or whatever).

It's difficult. Personally, my first thought, having a teenager and having grown up with siblings who used a lot of alcohol both with and without my parents' consent, is either not having beer in the house or having a it locked up with either a locked minifridge or a fridge safe. It's awkward, feels a bit like babyproofing, but this is obviously a major flashpoint that needs something done.

Why is stamping in a phone “fantastic”?

Set better parameters. Don’t let him drink beer at all.
Confiscate the phone.

But stamping on it in anger because a 14 yo is having a tantrum makes him no better than the 14 yo

Probably not your dh's finest hour, but will ds do it again? Probably not. The fact that your dh feels remorseful shows this isn't how he would usually respond. Your ds will learn from this.

I'm sure every parent of a teenager these days has strongly considered smashing their DC's phone up too. In all honesty it's going to take him a long time to earn the right to a phone back so you have a while to make your decision about whether or not to replace it.

I would usually say that you should encourage him to earn the money to replace it, but he's likely to spend it on alcohol so it's definitely a tricky situation.

You don't have to pick a side of neither are right.

Moving forward, how should this incident be tackled with DS? He has calmed down but hasn't apologised, or shown any remorse for his behaviour. Making him apologise for his part wont be sincere

Well, smirking is really irritating and if you do it to the wrong person you might end up a road rage / acid attack victim so it's not necessarily a bad lesson to learn.

But his father should be safe. He should be trusted to react in a safe way. This was not a safe way to behave. I mean if someone does something to DS and he reacts in this way, how will you justify saying he shouldn't? His GF cheats, he smashes up her stuff? All good, right?

What about giving him jobs to do around the house? He needs to regain trust and respect for you both before you can consider replacing the phone. Sacrificing his time to do something that helps you all, like doing some washing, will be a way for him to show you that he's responsible.

MrsTerryPratchett

But his father should be safe. He should be trusted to react in a safe way.

Yes, DH acted appallingly, but this doesn't excuse the behaviour of DS.
Nor should the DH be held responsible for the future actions of his son.

I think your son needs to learn he can push you and your DH too far, and there is a limit.

I would back up DH in your instance. I don't think you should let your child walk all over you.

A well deserved punishment in my book. I assume the parents are paying for the phone anyway.
He sounds like he could do with a few more consequences, to be honest. Good on his father.
I definitely wouldn’t be replacing it anytime soon.

Your H has apologised. DS can get a basic phone after a suitable time period when he shows he can stop lying and stealing.

Breaking the phone was the wrong thing to do, but don't replace it straight away. He needs to demonstrate that he can behave appropriately first.