DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Those of you gleefully saying "team DH!"
"Fantastic" "hero" are seriously fucked up

Men should never be celebrated for their violence. Particularly when those on the receiving end are more vulnerable.

Another one who can’t believe posters praising the dad in this scenario- and as for the pp who said this is ‘parenting your child’

No it’s not.

My Dad reacted like this to things and I hated him for it. It made me want to piss him off all the more and our relationship has been damaged by it.

Or what @DramaRamaLlama said.

Seriously fucked up indeed.

@thiscountryfan you said earlier:

1203, you would not believe the full blown tantrum DS threw. Seriously you'd think he'd had his right arm cut off - never seen anything like it! Screaming, crying....

Now I wonder where he learned that......

I think at times we over complicate things and draw crazy analogies, solutions from the ‘situation’
Assuming ordinarily things are good and relationships healthy (and if not, it’s not the phone that’s the issue)
He is child, wants his own way, stroppy and doing lots of stuff he shouldn’t. Dad has had enough, he’s gone too far. Lost his temper, the phone has gone (probably a good thing in itself alone). However, DS is still aggrieved, unable to see/accept his role... Dad has said sorry about it, but stood by his principles.
DS May take longer to learn his lesson. For all those saying it is damaging, so is allowing DS behavior to go unchecked. I can certainly look back for myself, sister, older kids (all past mid 20’s now), where we have had that ‘argument’ that became the dawning of a new day (and in all cases better times came).
Deal with it, if your gut is dad was right but it went a bit pear-shaped, stand up, say son you’ve gone too far. Actions and consequences - for all that say he’ll learn something else. Don’t let him, talk it through. DH needs to join in
I have been there (3 times - they turned out brilliant), undamaged and morally correct

He’s 14! My 14 yo always says it wasn’t him - who ate the strawberries- “smirk” “not me”.
I know it was him. He knows I know and owns up in the end. I tell him I know it was him, I don’t smash his phone up!
This thread is bizarre.
In what other situation is it appropriate to smash up someone else’s phone?
And I’m not a believer in it’s alll OJ if you apologise.
Don’t smash stuff up in the first place.

Completely disproportionate response by DH. Understandable, because he was annoyed and lost his temper, and he's human. Not justifiable.

It's never okay to smash up someone's stuff. Even if they've stolen your beer and have an irritating smirk on their face.

I'm not surprised that your DS doesn't feel remorseful now. What your DH did was far worse than the original theft of beer.

Your H has apologised

Most abusive wankers do.

Yes, DH acted appallingly, but this doesn't excuse the behaviour of DS.

I didn't say it did.

Nor should the DH be held responsible for the future actions of his son.

If I were the Dad who lost it, I would absolutely feel that my behaviour was a factor. There was also a study that showed that 'losing it' once in a while and hitting children was worse than measured corporal punishment in homes where it was normalised. I don't condone either BTW but it seems that parents losing it and lashing out is bad for children. And since smashing things in the home is considered domestic abuse, the parallels are fairly obvious.

Thank you @UniversallyUnchallenged - spot on

Yes, DH acted appallingly, but this doesn't excuse the behaviour of DS.

I don't think anyone has suggested that it does.

Men should never be celebrated for their violence

Neither should women.

Also with your DH here
Ideally taking away technology would do the same thing but you are also more likely to hand it back to them next time they leave the house
Fuck it. Its just a phone its a valuable lesson for the teen and the parents.
Bet the kid wont pinch alcohol in future let alone laugh/smirk about it.

My DC aren’t teenagers yet so maybe I’m underestimating how difficult they can be but I’m absolutely shocked at the posters applauding your DH for losing control and stamping on your DS’s phone.

I smashed my own phone by throwing it against the wall in a fit of anger once. The red mist desended and I completely lost control. It was frightening and it was so far from a normal reaction. It was one of the incidents which made me realise I needed therapy.

Your DS’s behaviour has obviously not been okay but your DP’s behaviour is, in my opinion, worse. That sort of physical, violent reaction to a person frustrating you is not an okay reaction under any circumstances. It doesn’t matter that it was his teenage son, it’s a huge red flag and if he’d reacted in that way to you, a colleague at work or a stranger then police would potentially be involved.

It’s also not setting any sort of example to your son and is just going to make your son feel like his Dad’s reaction was unjust and unfair and make him more likely to want to rebel against the boundaries because the consequences will appear draconian and over the top in his eyes. This is the sort of extreme and unjustified punishment to unwanted behaviour which builds resentment rather than giving a reasonable consequence which will guide towards better decision making.

Obviously your son’s behaviour needed challenging and it’s wrong of him to be taking and drinking alcohol, but he is a child and it’s normal for teens to be pushing boundaries. The consequence should have been reasonable and delivered by an adult who was in control, it should not have been delivered as an aggressive and violent outburst from an out-of-control adult who’d seen the red mist descend. That kind of anger is frightening and I’d suggest your DP needs to do something about it now because he was out of control and so how can he guarantee that next time it isn’t his son he’s laying hands on.

DS and DH appear similar. DNA strikes again. There is no escape. We are all robots,

DH and DS had a massive row recently, his phone, iPad and laptop were all removed. It was also the attitude that did it as well.

I insisted that DS have his phone for school, and his laptop for supervised homework use, although they had to be surrendered immediately afterwards.

Took 2 weeks before DS came up with an apology that DH was satisfied with. Plus a lot of cajoling of DS on my part and direction of DH as to his part in the incident.

**Those of you gleefully saying "team DH!"
"Fantastic" "hero" are seriously fucked up shock

Men should never be celebrated for their violence. Particularly when those on the receiving end are more vulnerable.**

As opposed to a woman / mum doing it?
Can we celebrate all the violent women then or is your wording just shit?

At this point you don’t really have a leg to stand on. An apology is inappropriate. Just enact a punishment and move on.

Your H has apologised but as you'd probably have taken it off him as punishment, he can wait/ earn a replacement/ fixing.

I wouldn't have dared speak like that to my dad, nor would my kids speak to their dad like that.
It sounds like he needs to learn several lessons and some respect.

I often think I live in a different world to MN! 14 year old steals alcohol and his dad loses his shit as 14 year old smirked at him. Only on MN would people think stealing alcohol is acceptable. You all must live perfect lives if you’ve never lost your shit at a teenager 🙄

I bet if he’d taken chocolate the responses on this thread would be different.

You let him have the beers in the first place.
He’s pinched a couple of small bottles of beer.

Your DH smashed his phone.

Complete loss of control by your H. What does he think he is teaching your son?

I'm trying to work out what 'lesson' people think this teenager has learned.

@BlushPinkRose

neither should women

Yawn.

The person perpetrating the violence in this scenario was a man. So I'm addressing violence by a man.

Would you feel more comfortable if I also addressed violent attacks by dogs. Or sharks? FFS