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Original poster

Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

999 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 16/06/2019 09:43

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 16/06/2019 09:45

Don’t cancel - just tell Carol you’d all love her to come but only on her own, otherwise the three of you will go without her.

Her anxieties are her business to cope with in this instance.

GummyGoddess · 16/06/2019 09:47

Don't cancel, just tell her he can't come and if she isn't comfortable then she doesn't have to come either.

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 16/06/2019 09:47

Nope!

Give Carol the option of coming alone or not at all. To be honest the latter is the best option because I imagine she’d make your holiday miserable with her anxiety about being away from her husband.

Can I come instead? I’m neat and clean and I’m definitely not a CF. I won’t have anxiety about leaving my husband and 5 month old baby... you won’t hear a peep from me because I’ll be asleep the whole week!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/06/2019 09:47

Carol is being ridiculous. Tell her no. And if she can’t accept her husband not being there she needs to stay at home.

NomDeQwerty · 16/06/2019 09:47

Friend can FO. You'll need to go without her.

OliviaBenson · 16/06/2019 09:47

Stand firm, carol is a CF especially if Anne has paid for all this.

If she can't be apart from her DH then she doesn't get to come.

FamilyOfAliens · 16/06/2019 09:47

Why do you need suggestions?

Anne sounds like she knows her own mind and will happily cancel the holiday if Carol brings her DH. No more needs to be said / done.

Happyspud · 16/06/2019 09:48

Just stay strong and say no.Carol is invited, up to her if she wants to go or not.

aweedropofsancerre · 16/06/2019 09:48

It’s quite simple it’s a holiday for the girls and the answer is no. There is no discussion. Carol needs to get some help if she is unable to go away without her OH..... he may be an abusive twat but the answer remains ‘no men allowed’. Good luck today and carol IBU to even ask and continue to push it

StealthPolarBear · 16/06/2019 09:48

On the face of it yanbu but is this like her? Could there be something else going on with her physical or mental health which means she needs that support but doesn't want to tell you?

Lucked · 16/06/2019 09:48

Wow so only brings this up after it was all agreed and payed for.

I don’t think she needs to cancel the whole trip either Carole comes alone or she sits it out and should gracefully wish you all a lovely holiday without her. But what a waste of money.

Whyrmengreattiltheygottabgreat · 16/06/2019 09:48

Would Carol be willing to get her and her husband a small apartment nearby and then she could come over during the day?
The dynamic would still be different though- why would she say yes in the first place??

Chilledout11 · 16/06/2019 09:49

So she wants to bring the husband and wants the best room with the ensuite. No let her pull out if she wants but it is a women's holiday so he can't come.

NataliaOsipova · 16/06/2019 09:49

“Carol, we quite understand if you’d rather not come, but this is a girls’ holiday. Nothing against your DH of course, but we don’t know him that well and none of us would be comfortable with having him come. It’s not really fair to Anne to persist with this when she’s been so generous. Come on the terms you were asked, or don’t come.”

And all stick to the same script. (If you do know Carol’s DH, you can alter to “Obviously we all love Brian, but we can’t have a girls’ holiday if he’s there”)

feathermucker · 16/06/2019 09:49

Hell no, if she genuinely can't cope for a week, she doesn't go. Simple as that.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 16/06/2019 09:49

I wouldn’t cancel it. As pp said just tell her you’d all love her to come but if she feels she can’t then you understand completely and the three of you go without her.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/06/2019 09:51

You all sound so wishy washy except for Anne. You need to stand up and support her in this.

louise5754 · 16/06/2019 09:51

Carol should have said all along that she wouldn't go because of her anxieties.

How odd. Is she wanting Ann to pay for Carols husband too? Maybe they're hoping this will be there annual holiday all paid for.

Can someone else take Carols place?

MrsMozartMkII · 16/06/2019 09:52

Definitely don't cancel!

The plans were agreed and set. If Carol doesn't want to leave her OH for a week then she doesn't go. Simple.

Hellywelly10 · 16/06/2019 09:53

Her husband may be a twat. Id try not to fall out with carol about it. If shes not coming without him then maybe ann change take somewone else.

Original poster
Oldbutstillgotit · 16/06/2019 09:53

@familyofaliens the reason I asked for suggestions is that Anne is stressed about it all ( she is still a bit fragile after a torrid few years ) and doesn’t want to fall out with Carol.
I like the suggestion that Carol and her DH stay elsewhere .

OP posts:
Gustavo1 · 16/06/2019 09:53

I think that before lunch, so she doesn’t feel ganged up on in person, it’s important that the three of you each express that you would like it to be a “girls” holiday without the partners this time and hope she will still
Come and enjoy it.
It’s not right that she invites her DH along. I agree it would completely change the dynamic. You couldnt just leave the man in his room!!

WatchingFromTheSidelines · 16/06/2019 09:55

Gosh. How frustrating are these men and women that can't ever be apart? It's so unhealthy.
I know a controlling dick husband who tagged along on a hen's night with his wife Hmm.

Please stick to your guns OP. Carol is being ridiculous. And pushy.

Celebelly · 16/06/2019 09:55

Carol is a CF and needs to give her head a wobble. She comes on her own or not at all.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 16/06/2019 09:56

I'm always with my DH but nope, wouldn't even consider taking him in these circumstances.

My friend's 40th was my only ever ladies away trip & I had a great time. One of her other friends left early, so spoiled it a bit.

I'd not be upset if friend here stays home...