Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

Don’t cancel, go without her and Carol can go on holiday with her husband which is what she really wants anyway! She pays for herself of course!

No it crossed my mind too @SinkGirl but in this particular instance, I don’t think there’s much to be done right now though. Perhaps when they return from holiday they can have an open and honest conversation with her.

Do not let her husband come, and find out if anything more is going on too. I don't understand why a man would want to go on a ladies trip!!

Not at all worried about Carol....she is a grown woman.If she has pressure from her husband, again.it is her problem and should not be inflicted on the other ladies.She should back out and tell the ladies to enjoy themselves if she feels she cannot attend alone. I would keep saying no and leave it at that...just us girls Carol ..are you coming on your own or not? no more discussion needed Op...

Carols being a CF or her husband doesn’t trust her to go on holiday without him. I kind of feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t feel they can go a week without seeing their husband, it’s important people spend time away from their partner.

Tell carol she either comes alone or doesn’t come at all.

I agree with everyone that Carol is given the option of coming alone or not at all.

You say that you've all known each other for over 30 years. This implies you must all be at least in your 50s. Women tend to outlive men. How will Carol cope if she is widowed in the future, if she can't even manage a week? I think one reason my mother managed after my father died was because they had always done some things separately as well as together.

Carol should have flagged this as soon as it was mooted. Before anything was paid for.
That she didn’t, takes her well into CF territory because she clearly hoped that by waiting until this point, that she’d get her way. That’s very selfish behaviour.
Either cancel or go without her.

Thanks for all your replies . I knew I could rely on MN for honest , constructive comments . To clarify a couple of things; Barbara and I will 100% support Anne . I think her saying she would cancel was a knee jerk action to the pressure .
To those suggesting Carol comes for a few days , Anne suggested that but Carol said it would mean her travelling one way on her own and she couldn’t do that .
As far as Carol herself is concerned, I don’t know her as well as Anne does but there has never been any mention of anxiety although I appreciate that she maybe hasn’t wanted to talk about it .
I don’t know her DH.

I think if any alternate suggestions ( staying with husband nearby or just going for a few days) are suggested you should expect Carol to foot the additional costs. I expect Carol may be concerned that dropping out is costing Anne money If Anne is happy to pay for unused flights if no refund an option then they shouldn't fall out. I would however expect Carol to offer something towards the costs of cancelling.

Carol may have physical or mental health needs and requires support. She may have hoped a solution would present itself earlier but this is the only way.

Carol is being unreasonable. Of course her DH will completely change the dynamics and since Anne's paying, it's Anne's decision. I don't think Anne should cancel tho. Just the 3 of you go. I don't like the idea of them staying somewhere else because that will change the dynamic too. She'll always be wanting to get back to her DH because he's on his own, oh can't he join for lunch etc. What a fucking pain!

Carol sounds pathetic

And to all those who have offered to take Carol’s place , I doubt if you would have much fun with three 60 something year old Grannies !!

Carol has got a bloody cheek. She shouldn't have accepted the kind offer from Anne if she had any doubts about being away from her husband. Give Anne your full support and tell Carol it's a firm no.

Don't be silly op it sounds brilliant.
I do wonder how this thread would have been though if Carol had posted from her perspective. More sympathetic I suspect.

Completely agree-Carol you can come or not come but if you’re coming then your DH stays at home.
No apologies, “it is what it is!”

I'll come! I'm 59.

She shouldn't have accepted the kind offer from Anne if she had any doubts about being away from her husband.

This is the other approach, actually - get a bit confrontational with her. Ask her why on earth she accepted - and let Anne spend all that money - if she wasn’t keen on the idea/had worries about it? Why didn’t she bring up all the husband stuff then....and give Anne the change to reconsider the idea?

Agreed, Carol goes alone or not at all. She was invited on a womans holiday, she accepted that, she can pull out of the trip but not change it. If she wants to arrange a separate couples trip, shes welcome to do that.

Sorry Carol, this is a girls holiday which had been kindly paid for by Anne.

You can either come alone, or drop out.

I do hope you come, but we won’t accommodate Brian

Presumably if her partner were a woman you wouldn't want her either? It's not because he's a man as such, it's because he's not one of your group of friends. Which is fair enough, some events include partners, some don't.

You’re three grown assed women.

Woman up. It’s a no carol but we would love you to join, so please let’s stop all further talk about this.

The end.

The absolute cheek of some people never ceases to amaze me.

I don’t know her DH.

So why would sh think you’d want to spend a week on holiday with him? Does Anne know him?? Carol sounds worse and worse....

Carol comes alone or not at all. I think the 3 of you should just go together preferably.