Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

And what makes you think that's her motivation

This thread reminds me of a controlling boyfriend I had when I was young. He insisted in coming with me to every single social even even if it was a girly night in. I was absolutely mortified, as horrified as my friends that he had come along. So I stopped meeting with friends until the “relationship” came to an end because I had arranged to meet some old friends in Italy, he couldn’t come but didn’t say I anything to “test” whether I would leave him behind or “ the holiday for the love I felt for him”. I went on the holiday, I never spoke to me again.

That may be the reason she has never been away from her DH, and if she has a situation as the one above, I guess it is better for to continue as she does, and sacrifice the holiday to stay with him. It is not on for her to ruin it all for everyone to not antagonise her She grows pair ir stays at home, simples.

Omg of course you must all just say no! If Carol is such a drip she can’t spend a week without hubby then she needs to stay at home! 🙄

It is horrible to have anxiety , and normally I would suggest accommodating things that would help a sufferer but this is ridiculous. Tell her (kindly) That you completely understand her predicament, Do not want to cause any undue stress And will go away without her, but will of course send her a postcard and give her a call

Bloody hell Carol.

Isn't 'anxiety' usually used to cover unreasonable behaviour? I know that that isn't a pc view on MN but it does seem to crop up with an amazing frequency.

What is she worried he'll get up to while he's off the leash, the same marital leash that she'll be off? She needs to develop a degree of trust.

OP - does anyone know much about Carole's home life? Is it her husband who is insisting on this - is he usually controlling etc?

I mean either way he can't come, but I'm just wondering if there is more to it and if there is, then I guess if it was my circle I would want to handle it in such a way that Carole didn't feel cut off or isolated from us afterwards in case she needed help or support. ESP if in the past she has been supportive to Anne.

Of course, Carole May in fact be a CF and deserves to be told, but if this is out of character or there is a suspicion of something more, I would want to be sure she didn't feel isolated afterwards and unable to talk to anyone after this.

I would privately message Carol and tell her that putting pressure on Anne is totally wrong, her husband isn't invited and she either needs to come alone or stay at home!

I'd also tell her that letting Anne pay for her holiday and then pulling this stunt is ridiculously cheeky.

Why woukd he be bored?

You really need to ask? Even I find all female get-togethers boring!

Maybe she don’t want to leave him or maybe he don’t want to be left on his own, regardless of the reason it’s unfair to ask to bring your partner whether he be a man, a woman or a dog when it’s just you that has been invited and the trip paid for as part of an all girls/women holiday in a villa.

Where would it end?

“Can I bring the grandkids?”

“Ooh my scout group would love to stay in a villa!”

“Thanks for the invite but I’ll have to bring my pterodactyl as I haven’t got anyone to feed him whilst I’m away. He’ll have to have his own bedroom as he doesn’t like sharing and he’s not housetrained but I’ve taught him to say, “Polly wants a cracker”, so that’s alright then.”

Maybe he considers himself female.

And I don't find all female groups boring, assuming they are of course my friends and we have stuff in common. Which is the issue here imo.

I have severe, diagnosed anxiety that I’ve medicated for and in therapy for, for years.

My friends make reasonable adjustments so I can attend things. Eg they accept I won’t drink, won’t be out past 10pm, have zero interest in going to a different city. They still invite me, on the off chance I can buckle up and go (for instance I managed a 2 hour train journey a few weeks ago )

But there is absolutely zero fucking chance I would be asking to take my DH on a Girls only holiday that someone else is paying for. Even if I was the one footing the bill.

There’s reasonable adjustments and there’s taking the piss. Carol is taking the piss.

Plus. Anxiety hasn’t been confirmed. It’s just a suspicion.

Husband is just after a free holiday. Dont pussy foot around this silly dithering women, just tell her to fuck right off.

I would go right off Carol for even suggesting this - and on top of that to suggest they have the best room just about takes the biscuit. Surely if there's one en suite room then Anne should have it, given that she's paid the bill?

Anne is really generous and Carol is abusing her generosity. I'd tell her she either comes on her own or not at all, and frankly I'd hope she didn't come at all.

Carol is as mad as a box of frogs to think this would have been acceptable in any way!!

If she "can't be away from her DH" for any length of time, or travel by herself, then why the FUCK did she not say that at the start?!
Because she's an arrant cheeky fucker, that's why. She thought if she sprang it on you all at the last minute that you'd have to agree.

Well don't.

Do NOT let her get away with it, the cheeky cow.

Tell her it's such a shame that she can't be away from her DH but you all understand and are sorry she won't be joining you. Kind but firm.

No.

That's all you need to say.

If she's such a wet blanket that she can't go away for a week without her husband, then she can either not come or arrange herself another flight to allow her to come back earlier.

Anxiety my arse.

I'm in agreement with the majority. Carol comes on her own or doesn't come. Bullshit to bringing her DH on a girls break

Agree totally with ThumbWitchesAbroad!!

Even if Carol does go on her own what is to stop her husband Brian suddenly turning up?

Can you imagine an old flabby bloke walking out of the patio doors wearing a Sirius schlong thong @, rubbing his hands in glee and saying, “Hello ladeez, let’s get the party started!”, whilst you all fall off your sun loungers in shock.

Is there a chance that it's Carols husband who is insisting he goes? Is he controlling or abusive?

I think it’s gonna be more that she has a controlling husband than anxiety or she would of said no at the beginning.
She’s very cheeky to keep pushing this even after clearly being told no. It’s odd she’s still forcing the issue even after being clearly told no!
Stay firm - she is welcome, he is not. Be wary though he might just turn up at the airport with her anyway!

Carol is extremely rude, especially as it was such a lovely thing for Anne to do.
You both should back Anne up. Either Carol comes alone or she doesn't go at all.

Do not cancel. Make it clear to Carol it is for the four of you, he is NOT invited and if she really doesn’t want to come she doesn’t have to. Don’t let her ruin your holiday.

Dm wouldn’t go away without df. But then she wouldn’t have agreed to go I. The first place.

She wouldn’t go not because she’d be anxious going on her own, df would be anxious being home alone and would call her all the time. I spent the day with her in Southampton a while ago (we flew there and back same day). Ddad called 4 times. Once to tell her he’d broken a whisk. 🙄

He gets anxious whenever any of us (Dm dsis and I) go away. As if something will happen to us. It’s nice he cares but at the same time it’s too much.

I tend to send a text to say we’ve arrived and one to say when we’re leaving and that’s it. Dsis never answers her phone. Or texts.